Relationship I Need Some Insight

[Navy Girlfriend]

I'm not sure if this is considered isolation or what it is all about. My boyfriend will go 2-3 weeks without seeing me but he will still text me daily and we will have normal conversations like usual. We were supposed to see each other today but he cancelled on me. I get really upset when he cancels on me but I don't like to tell him that because I don't want to stress him out more. I ended up telling him just now that it makes me sad when I don't see him because I was looking forward to it. Is that ok? I have a lot of trouble holding my feelings in. I need to be expressive but I also don't want to cause more stress. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells with him.

 

[Klo]

If he can't handle you expressing basic human emotions that are totally reasonable given the situation, then he's not ready for a relationship.

 

[Navy Girlfriend]

It's not that he can't handle it, it's just that it makes him feel guilty. And I hate making him feel guilty. We have been together for almost 2 years and he came home from deployment 6 months ago with PTSD. So we are trying to work through it. It is very difficult and it's hard for me to see how he has changed but neither of us want to throw this relationship away. If it was a new relationship then it would be completely different.

 

[Klo]

It's not that he can't handle it, it's just that it makes him feel guilty. And I hate making him feel...

Ah I see, sorry for jumping the shark and assuming it was a new relationship, that was my bad. I have been on both sides of the fence, as far as having issues, and trying to bond with people with issues, and I can be a little over-protective at a jump. Sorry about that.

 

[Seasounds]

@Heidirose, I'd propose a few additional ideas:

• With PTSD your partner probably generates, himself, guilty feelings from any interactions. One person can never, literally, cause someone else to generate certain feelings. Feelings are a result of personal perceptions, associations, etc.
• With your mate dealing with PTSD, he may not have the capacity to deal with other people's feelings; this includes yours.
• And it still means you can share your thoughts, and like you mentioned, he may likely become more distance, due to already being overwhelmed with PTSD.
• It is a tough situation. PTSD may take years to heal.
• Maybe between the two of you, you could figure out, 'with how things are now, not being able to change each other, what do you need to continue, would you want to continue, as is?

 

[Recovery4Me]

Is that ok?

I think the fairer question may be, is that OK for you? You have needs too and your friend's PTSD is not his carte blanche to which you must subvert or deny all sense of yourself. :hug:'s if you accept

 

[Navy Girlfriend]

It's ok :)

 

[Navy Girlfriend]

@Saetva We have been trying to figure out what we need to do to make our relationship better and one thing we have both concluded is that we need to learn how to communicate better and more effecftively. We have been working on this for the last couple months and it is getting better. I have thought about bringing up going to couples counseling but right now I feel like that would be too much for him. And we both know that we can't change each other. We have agreed to continue as is. Neither of us wants to lose each other. And I do believe that things are getting better. We are just working on our communication. He is doing a lot better with that.

@Recovery4Me I guess I just hate making him feel guilty. Everytime I see him in person, he just tells me how much he hates hurting me and how sorry he is and one time he even said that he doesn't deserve me. I am new to this (dealing with his PTSD) and sometimes I just don't know what to do and what to say to him when he does disappoint me. I feel like I have to choose my battles wisely.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I understand and each marches to their own drummer. Perhaps our cool Supporters will have the right words. As an PTSD Lifer (or personally), I want to ask him, "WTF? Seriously, you get away with that?" But that's just me...ex-navy wife and all.

So I will zip it.:speechless::hug: Welcome again to the board!:tup:

 

[Navy Girlfriend]

@Recovery4Me Can I ask what you mean by, get away with that?

 

[Recovery4Me]

Can I ask what you mean by, get away with that?

I am responding to show courtesy but I gently refrain from directly answering the above at this time, as perhaps after you spend a bit on this board, the Supporters (like yourself) or members less caustic than I, will have the words that ring true for you and assist.

e I guess I just hate making him feel guilty

Just know insofar as mental health totes...we are not responsible for the way someone else 'feels' or chooses to react, their triggers or stressors, their choices of reactions, the way they choose to share their love or their lack of being able to give or receive love. We are however, responsible to express what we need in order to truly be loved in a reciprocal fashion that allows us to be valued in equanimity.