I Spoke To My Eldest Brother Today

[Dopa]

I texted him early today, he's sober now so I have some faith in his thinking. ..I told him I have ptsd but more truthfully cptsd (as it's not an actual diagnosis) he said he was not surprised...we spoke about my inability to function since...well forever. He is highly functional..and successful.
Truth is he believes that I can "overcome" this with Meds and therapy. That my lack of success is something I should own completely...I do agree that my life, now, is my responsibility. But I see that he doesn't see me very clearly...he doesn't understand what it's like for me with most people and employers you emcounter to either attempt to manipulate or subjugate you without considering your human merit.
I cannot enlighten him to the horror of my csa, rape, abuse...I cannot bear the idea of him not being able to make eye contact with me because shame and regret would filter in...he knows some of it because he was abused by my first abuser too..but he got out, he got to leave and develop.
We had to stay amd live the unraveling of everything.
I am not sure what I am saying, I'm tired and sad...still alone and hurting. I'm glad he doesn't know, just wish he understood.

 

[Urewu]

It's hard when family members don't get you. I have a similar brother who makes me feel worthless and crazy. It always hurts too much because I'm always feeling like if I had support and felt loved in my family that's what would help me - far more than meds and therapy, or "success".
It does hurt to have your emotions dismissed. It would hurt him too - he just hasn't walked that road yet.
I have strong feelings of abandonment around my brother - sounds like you do too.
He just doesn't get it - or maybe feels guilty for leaving and thriving while his siblings suffered. I wonder about that too. Survivor guilt.
I have had to distance myself from my brother. It hurts too much.
I hope he gets it one day - it would mean a lot - but till then I don't need any more invalidation. I don't think you do either. Take care of you!

 

[Alij]

I meant to say too how lucky he is to have a sister who loves him to the extent it's obvious you do.
Hope he realises that one day!