I took him back. Now he's gone again. I hope I finally learned something

[HorribleCoffee]

It was a tumultuous year and it seemed that he broke up with me for good after the sixth or seventh time (I lost count). I went to therapy, I earned what I thought was some sort of peace and acceptance.

Then a few months ago I bumped into him and he was very remorseful and said he still loved me. I told him I still loved him too but we cannot be together because of what had happened between us, but we can be civil. He persisted and I eventually gave in. I broke my own boundary.

It was a few months of what I thought was respectful love. We talked about what happened and gave each other clarity. It was peaceful for the first time in a long time since we started dating.

Then one day he suddenly texted me "You are a liar."

I had no clue what he meant, but he refused to elaborate "You know what you did."

He first agreed to meet me in person to discuss, but continued to throw the accusations in my face in the meantime, so I got frustrated and told him that we can talk in person rather than sending me accusative texts with no evidence. He blew up and said the meeting is no longer happening because apparently I "didn't want to talk". He blocked me.

I reached out to him on another medium and he responded. He agreed to meet me if I went to his place. The moment he opened the door, he demanded my phone. I refused, because to me that was a gross violation of privacy. He then accused me "It means you know what you are lying about."

I broke another of my boundaries by giving him my phone. He locked me out of his apartment, then flung the door open and threw my phone at me. It was open to a conversation on social media I had with an ex. "You said you were over him. Why are you still talking to him? Why is he still following you? Why are there still photos of both of you on social media? Why did you lie to me about XXX?"

I do not want my ex back. I do not follow my ex back. I do not think of my ex. I have not seen my ex in 5 years. The last message in that chat was 7 months ago and it was a congratulatory message for an achievement I worked 7 years to attain, something I started when my ex and I were still together, and I just said thank you. I deleted all photos with my ex except those with other mutual friends in them. I do not recall saying what he accused me of saying. I told him so, but he said "Are you gaslighting me now? I remember it clearly. Please leave."

I started explaining that my ex and I are purely civil because we have many mutual friends. He refused to listen and eventually said "You still hold space for him. You still want him over me. F*ck off" and shoved me out of the door. This was the first time he had ever laid a finger on me. It broke me.

"I am never contacting you again. I don't want anything to do with you. I cannot trust anyone who lies to me, gaslights me, manipulates me."

That is the end. I broke so many of my own boundaries. Maybe this time I will learn.

 

[ellzeena]

I've been married three times, I've had several other opportunities so I could have actualy been married five times. I've had alot of relationships with men. And I can honestly say this without any hesitation after a long life: the man has never been born who's worth any sort of anguish. If he has been born, he's under great demand and is probably in the priesthood, or god only knows what else, maybe GAY for all I know. Whatever you're doing to select these characters needs examination. We relive our problems with our parents in our adult relationships, even friends. We seed validation from these surrogates without being aware we're doing it. So when a relationship crashes and you go downhill and can't climb out, time for self examination. You can facilitate it if you're able to find a good therapist, very difficult since most of them these days seem to be children trying to get a degree or just plain incompetent, or there's a long wait and it's too expensive. BUT: this is YOU we're talking about and everything you need to know about YOU is right there in your mind, even if you have childhood related PTSD (which makes it more difficult but not impossible). STOP looking for any sort of fulfillment from any man, any time, anywhere; does NOT EXIST. Your life is YOUR journey and only YOU can give it what it needs to be a pleasant one instead of torture at the hands of other people.

First: how's your relationship with mom and dad? take a good long look at who they are, how you feel about them, and if there's any similarity AT ALL between them and the loser you just got rid of. Oh, there will be. And once you identify it, you know what to AVOID in future. Second, make a life for yourself. Set aside all the stupidity movies and books tell women about LIFE because it's all LIES. Want a house? figure out how to buy one, start saving, go back to school to learn a trade, whatever it takes to make enough money to be able to afford a down payment and earn enough to pay a mortgage. Mortgage rates are DEFINITELY coming down in the next 2 years or so. Want a child? Plan on having one in the future. In other words: your life is yours to make, break, or forsake. No one else has that power unless you GIVE IT TO THEM. Never do that. Third: this is not your fault, and it's probably not his fault either because very few people who aren't sociopaths get into relationships to mess it up and hurt one another. So you both chose the wrong person and it just didn't work out. This does not make you a loser, unlovable, an idiot, stupid, or worthless. It happens every day all over the world. Fourth: set a date six months from now and plan to do something special, travel somewhere, buy yourself something, have a party with a friend or two, whatever makes you happy and you can look forward to. Then remind yourself: in six months I'm going to be FINE and this will be a BAD MEMORY, because that's exactly what will happen. I can GUARANTEE IT. Fifth: don't jump into another relationship between now and then for any reason at all because that could be the rebound effect and it's not going to work. Use the time to examine why you chose the "wrong" partner and try to change things. You know what attracts you, they need examination. People put their best foot forward when they first meet one another, you rarely see the real personality. So don't be in a hurry to become emotionally attached to anyone and part of that is sex. Women are biologically designed to bond with the man they engage sexually and most of us do whether or not we are aware of it (of course there are exceptions). Be more cautious about that and if you run into a man, or men, who are trying to push you, run LIKE HELL.

I could go on but you get the drift. I wish someone had been honest with me as a young woman, I wouldn't have wasted so much time, so many years, thinking it was necessary to have a permanent relationship with a man because it IS NOT and it's not even desirable to be honest. Independence, freedom to make your own choices, having your own space and privacy, and being able to make decisions for your life without asking anyone else's opinion, these are hugely important. A real friendship between husband and wife that lasts a lifetime is something I have NEVER SEEN IN REAL LIFE. Maybe you will, I don't know, but it's highly unlikely. You be you, you live your life your way, and along the way if you find someone who makes you laugh, is kind, is caring, but is A MAN and not someone unidentifiable, if you can do that, then you hit the jackpot.