Five years ago, I met a man. He was attractive, seemingly ambitious, nice, funny. We very quickly became lovers. I was 17, he was 22. I quickly realized that there was something wrong with him. He was obviously broken. He obviously had gone through some stuff, too. I had lived in a dysfunctional home laden with verbal abuse, alcoholism and occasional violence all my life.
We eventually moved in together. It was too soon. He quickly introduced me to the idea of dominance and submission, which I reluctantly accepted. I felt afraid to disappoint him and I was curious. I accepted to allow certain things into the bedroom, with the condition that he didn't hurt me. I never expected him to turn completely dominant. I never expected him to fly off the handle. He spent 3 years of our life together turning me into nothing. He hit me repeatedly, chose what I wore, convinced me I was alone, convinced me that it was necessary never to look in peoples' eyes. He cut my hair off, got me fired from work and alienated me from my family.
As a girl, people said I was ambitious and determined; courageous and intelligent. I don't think anyone would have believed that I would end up in this situation. I spent two months in a Psychiatric hospital, wondering if I would ever have a normal life again.
It took me four years, but he's in prison and I have a great relationship. I live in a two bedroom apartment with the man of my dreams and our puppy. I work for a world-renowned bank and am relatively healthy.
But why can't I move on?
Now I'm plagued with a severe case of social anxiety that I cannot shake. Charismatic, tall or large men scare me. It can be any combination of those three aspects. It only happens at work but these guys make me blush. And because I know they've noticed that I blush, I panic. Some days I panic so much that I have to go hide in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. Today was worse. Today, a man I know came up to me and said 'Hi'. I blushed and ended up vomiting in the bathroom ten minutes later. I promptly left work, panicking.
I have tried reaching out to health professionals before and haven't been able to get any help. I come to you fine people, at the end of my rope.
What can I do? I need advice!
We eventually moved in together. It was too soon. He quickly introduced me to the idea of dominance and submission, which I reluctantly accepted. I felt afraid to disappoint him and I was curious. I accepted to allow certain things into the bedroom, with the condition that he didn't hurt me. I never expected him to turn completely dominant. I never expected him to fly off the handle. He spent 3 years of our life together turning me into nothing. He hit me repeatedly, chose what I wore, convinced me I was alone, convinced me that it was necessary never to look in peoples' eyes. He cut my hair off, got me fired from work and alienated me from my family.
As a girl, people said I was ambitious and determined; courageous and intelligent. I don't think anyone would have believed that I would end up in this situation. I spent two months in a Psychiatric hospital, wondering if I would ever have a normal life again.
It took me four years, but he's in prison and I have a great relationship. I live in a two bedroom apartment with the man of my dreams and our puppy. I work for a world-renowned bank and am relatively healthy.
But why can't I move on?
Now I'm plagued with a severe case of social anxiety that I cannot shake. Charismatic, tall or large men scare me. It can be any combination of those three aspects. It only happens at work but these guys make me blush. And because I know they've noticed that I blush, I panic. Some days I panic so much that I have to go hide in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. Today was worse. Today, a man I know came up to me and said 'Hi'. I blushed and ended up vomiting in the bathroom ten minutes later. I promptly left work, panicking.
I have tried reaching out to health professionals before and haven't been able to get any help. I come to you fine people, at the end of my rope.
What can I do? I need advice!
