I grew up in abuse. My sisters were allowed to do whatever they wanted to me, allowed to say whatever they wanted, hit me, tear up my stuff, nothing ever happened to them. When I was 16 I finally couldn't take it anymore and I told my mother I wanted to kill myself. She yelled at me for being selfish. The next day one of my sisters told me, "I wish you'd killed yourself. I would have thrown a party."
They are all older than me. I was so much smaller, so much younger. There is no way I could have fought back. I had no one to protect me.
I have one sister I liken to a caged animal. You didn't want to cross her. She had been violent with me my whole life. When I was 17 she choked me until I passed out. I thought she was going to kill me. My mother blamed me. She told me it was my fault and I shouldn't have provoked her.
Cut to adulthood. I moved away but ended up moving back a decade later. I bought in to the myth my sisters pushed when I got back that we were all close and loved each other. That we had a rough childhood but that was all behind us now. For the next 17 years I considered my sisters to be some of my closest friends.
Then my life was thoroughly upended by full-blown CPTSD brought on by being bullied at work. I wasn't able to work anymore and I thought would be safe and deal with being unable to work with the least amount of guilt by going to live with my former-bully sister. (Not the caged animal, just the one who would tease me mercilessly and who's behavior made me want to kill myself.) As adults she and I were close. We would talk about our similar stories of being choked by caged animal sister and shared the experience of having our friends' parents spontaneously offer to have us come live with them to get away from our mother. I assumed she got it.Why wouldn't I?
I was wrong. My sister was contemptuous about my CPTSD. She was cold and unkind and ignored my distress while at the same time expecting lots of emotional support for herself. She told me twice in anger that I needed to consider how my "mood" affected her. Eventually I was at the end of my rope with having to struggle to cope everyday while having to pretend everything was fine because she demanded it. I begged her, crying, to be someone I could talk to and she told me to get out. Eventually she did kick me out because I was no longer being fake happy for her benefit. My friends put me on a plane and got me out.
Eventually I moved back to my hometown. I was still unable to work. A generous friend offered to have me stay with her for a few months. At the end of that time I moved in with caged animal sister because I didn't have anywhere else to go.
I know what you're thinking. But in the years since I was 17 I thought I was close to her.
I lived with her for about six months. All that time and in the years since I first got my diagnosis she told me she believed me, that she supported me, that she was on my side with my other sister who had turned so judgmental and cruel. I started doing much better when I was with her because I was in an emotionally supportive environment. My sleep got better. I began to plan a future. She would tell me that she could see things were getting better for me and she was happy for me. I would tell her that was because of her emotional support and that I was very grateful for all she had done for me. Things were starting to accelerate. I was finally coming to the end of a terrifying several year period of being totally dependent on other people for shelter.
She was lying. Turns out she had been gossiping and lying about me behind my back to the rest of my family for years. One day she (literally) turned on me and kicked me out without warning. I felt terror in my heart because I knew my family was going to assume it was my fault and that I was crazy. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I loved her and cared for her. I was her friend. I thought she was mine. I thought we were close. But I knew no one would believe me and I was right. She played herself up as the victim when in reality we had a - turns out fake - loving and kind relationship. Well, I was loving and kind.
I came to find out that after she kicked me out my whole family had been engaged in secret emails together where caged animal sister tried to convince them I needed to be put in in-patient treatment. That I was going to kill myself. That I needed to be put on a psych hold. Of course, I was fine. In shock at caged animal's betrayal but in problem-solving mode. Not one of them even checked with me to see if I was ok. They just bought the bullshit and engaged in a family-wide betrayal.
Eventually, they scheduled a secret meeting with a therapist to talk about what they were going to do about me. Caged animal sister who had assured me she believed me about my CPTSD tried to convince the therapist I was a narcissist.
I no longer speak to any of them. Caged animal sister for obvious reasons. First sister I lived with because she blamed me and said they had to lie to me because I'm "impossible to talk to". Two other sisters because they convinced themselves that what they were doing was because they loved me and went along with the bullshit and in so doing enabled bullying and abuse. And still do.
None of them seem to care about what caged animal sister did to me. They go to her house for Easter. They go to her birthday party. They hope I'm "getting help" for some mental illness they will not identify. They don't believe I have CPTSD. They make it clear they talk about me behind my back but will not tell me what's being said. They say they don't remember or they simply don't respond.
Before this all happened, I dealt with every one of them in good faith and as individuals. I was open and honest with them because it never occurred to me that they would be anything but less than supportive about my CPTSD, as I was supportive about all their struggles. I am a good person going through a very hard time who still did her best to be a good friend to every single one of them because that's what friends do. They lied to me repeatedly and established an atmosphere where I was excluded and isolated and they were led to be wary of me and I didn't even realize it. I believe caged animal sister played a big role in this, but none of it would have gotten as far as it did without my first sister who kicked me out going along with it. They will not take any responsibility for what they've done. I am either crazy or mean by holding them accountable depending on how they want to rationalize their behavior. I am the scapegoat.
It's been a year now. I struggle with this every day. I have nightmares about them. I ruminate about them constantly. My friends are supportive mostly, but they don't want to talk about it as much as I need to. I am in grief, and I can never talk about it. A big chunk of my life - my family - is gone. I didn't lose my family, they lost me, but still. The path I was on to a new life is gone.I am still getting better, but all that optimism and hope I had this time last year... Gone. I'm getting better but I don't really see what the point is. I go through my day at work knowing I have this horrible thing that has happened to me that I have to keep a secret because, seriously, you can't really talk at work about how your family is in the thrall of a deeply manipulative person who tried to put you in a mental hospital because she was mad. I wish I could just talk about it.
They are all older than me. I was so much smaller, so much younger. There is no way I could have fought back. I had no one to protect me.
I have one sister I liken to a caged animal. You didn't want to cross her. She had been violent with me my whole life. When I was 17 she choked me until I passed out. I thought she was going to kill me. My mother blamed me. She told me it was my fault and I shouldn't have provoked her.
Cut to adulthood. I moved away but ended up moving back a decade later. I bought in to the myth my sisters pushed when I got back that we were all close and loved each other. That we had a rough childhood but that was all behind us now. For the next 17 years I considered my sisters to be some of my closest friends.
Then my life was thoroughly upended by full-blown CPTSD brought on by being bullied at work. I wasn't able to work anymore and I thought would be safe and deal with being unable to work with the least amount of guilt by going to live with my former-bully sister. (Not the caged animal, just the one who would tease me mercilessly and who's behavior made me want to kill myself.) As adults she and I were close. We would talk about our similar stories of being choked by caged animal sister and shared the experience of having our friends' parents spontaneously offer to have us come live with them to get away from our mother. I assumed she got it.Why wouldn't I?
I was wrong. My sister was contemptuous about my CPTSD. She was cold and unkind and ignored my distress while at the same time expecting lots of emotional support for herself. She told me twice in anger that I needed to consider how my "mood" affected her. Eventually I was at the end of my rope with having to struggle to cope everyday while having to pretend everything was fine because she demanded it. I begged her, crying, to be someone I could talk to and she told me to get out. Eventually she did kick me out because I was no longer being fake happy for her benefit. My friends put me on a plane and got me out.
Eventually I moved back to my hometown. I was still unable to work. A generous friend offered to have me stay with her for a few months. At the end of that time I moved in with caged animal sister because I didn't have anywhere else to go.
I know what you're thinking. But in the years since I was 17 I thought I was close to her.
I lived with her for about six months. All that time and in the years since I first got my diagnosis she told me she believed me, that she supported me, that she was on my side with my other sister who had turned so judgmental and cruel. I started doing much better when I was with her because I was in an emotionally supportive environment. My sleep got better. I began to plan a future. She would tell me that she could see things were getting better for me and she was happy for me. I would tell her that was because of her emotional support and that I was very grateful for all she had done for me. Things were starting to accelerate. I was finally coming to the end of a terrifying several year period of being totally dependent on other people for shelter.
She was lying. Turns out she had been gossiping and lying about me behind my back to the rest of my family for years. One day she (literally) turned on me and kicked me out without warning. I felt terror in my heart because I knew my family was going to assume it was my fault and that I was crazy. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I loved her and cared for her. I was her friend. I thought she was mine. I thought we were close. But I knew no one would believe me and I was right. She played herself up as the victim when in reality we had a - turns out fake - loving and kind relationship. Well, I was loving and kind.
I came to find out that after she kicked me out my whole family had been engaged in secret emails together where caged animal sister tried to convince them I needed to be put in in-patient treatment. That I was going to kill myself. That I needed to be put on a psych hold. Of course, I was fine. In shock at caged animal's betrayal but in problem-solving mode. Not one of them even checked with me to see if I was ok. They just bought the bullshit and engaged in a family-wide betrayal.
Eventually, they scheduled a secret meeting with a therapist to talk about what they were going to do about me. Caged animal sister who had assured me she believed me about my CPTSD tried to convince the therapist I was a narcissist.
I no longer speak to any of them. Caged animal sister for obvious reasons. First sister I lived with because she blamed me and said they had to lie to me because I'm "impossible to talk to". Two other sisters because they convinced themselves that what they were doing was because they loved me and went along with the bullshit and in so doing enabled bullying and abuse. And still do.
None of them seem to care about what caged animal sister did to me. They go to her house for Easter. They go to her birthday party. They hope I'm "getting help" for some mental illness they will not identify. They don't believe I have CPTSD. They make it clear they talk about me behind my back but will not tell me what's being said. They say they don't remember or they simply don't respond.
Before this all happened, I dealt with every one of them in good faith and as individuals. I was open and honest with them because it never occurred to me that they would be anything but less than supportive about my CPTSD, as I was supportive about all their struggles. I am a good person going through a very hard time who still did her best to be a good friend to every single one of them because that's what friends do. They lied to me repeatedly and established an atmosphere where I was excluded and isolated and they were led to be wary of me and I didn't even realize it. I believe caged animal sister played a big role in this, but none of it would have gotten as far as it did without my first sister who kicked me out going along with it. They will not take any responsibility for what they've done. I am either crazy or mean by holding them accountable depending on how they want to rationalize their behavior. I am the scapegoat.
It's been a year now. I struggle with this every day. I have nightmares about them. I ruminate about them constantly. My friends are supportive mostly, but they don't want to talk about it as much as I need to. I am in grief, and I can never talk about it. A big chunk of my life - my family - is gone. I didn't lose my family, they lost me, but still. The path I was on to a new life is gone.I am still getting better, but all that optimism and hope I had this time last year... Gone. I'm getting better but I don't really see what the point is. I go through my day at work knowing I have this horrible thing that has happened to me that I have to keep a secret because, seriously, you can't really talk at work about how your family is in the thrall of a deeply manipulative person who tried to put you in a mental hospital because she was mad. I wish I could just talk about it.
