If just one person could tell me this is a thing that happens

[GreySouled]

In a weird place on this the eve of therapy. Presently remembering a flashback I had a few years ago. It is graphic and I'm going to describe it here since apparently there are no TWs for this site:

Background: I was watching a Jim Gaffigan special and suddenly his jeans would not stop bothering me - seemed super tight, his junk on display. Then suddenly I flashed back to an "event" where I saw a blurry "package" with blood on it. Overhead lighting, feeling so embarrassed, ashamed and like people were making fun of me. Then the Thing with the blood on it went *back* into me. Pain! I just referenced my journal and this memory/FB was the day after discussing with T my childbirth experience. (The rhythmic, rapey pain that came out of nowhere despite my having a C-section.)

This might seem like a ridiculous, pointless question, but does anyone have a similar experience?? I had my child via A.I. and have no real grownup head knowledge of consensual sex and whatnot. If a small child was raped, with frigging blood!, and obviously the parents didn't take note (even thought I've perused multiple police and news reports evidencing the oblivion of "parents"), I don't know. I am just grasping around for someone, just one person, who maybe experienced the same. Blood on the thing. I know this sounds crazy. This was one of those memories/FBs that when it "started playing", I felt like yes, I remember knowing this somewhere deep down.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm in a weird headspace so I might not be understanding what you wrote: are you asking if someone has had thoughts/memories flash up that bring back events? And specifically with blood?

If so, yes.

First rape there was blood. Blocked all the trauma out of my mind. Came back via dreams years later. Decades later and more stuff comes back.

There are body memories that crop up: like feeling the pain that I must have felt then.
There are emotional flashbacks: am in one currently and this has lasted a while now.
Then the visual flashbacks.

With blood? Yep.

What you're going through is common and unsettling, but you're not alone in it.
It can and does get better.
Recognising what it is is a great start. As it is from the past and not now, and you can try and build safety now.

 

[StillPen]

Sitting with you as you traverse this aweful flashback. I've not had a similar experience, my brain won't let me remember yet.

But, my 2 cents. The eve of session w/T (state of being vulnerable), pain in vagina during c-section, also a state of vulnerability, legs in the air, people standing around you, lights, Dr. at your groin area to deliver (all sound similar to your flashback and could cause body memories/flashbacks, especially after discussing with T)

None of this sounds crazy. It sounds like your brain is trying to make sense of a horrendous event and there are triggers that are putting that process into motion. And, you are not alone. PTSD brains throw memories back at you in the most jagged, fragmented, and weird ways.

Critical time to keep working with T to manage your day to day state. Keep journaling, as much as you can, in small chunks where necessary. Gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[GreySouled]

Thank you both for your replies.

Tonight my mind keeps repeating a flashback memory of him, whoever he is, trying to put it inside me, but it was soft so it just mushed and punched against my small underwearless body. The next flashback i had was a month later; it wasn't mushy then. It was hard and painful and pushed through and then my body and mind filled up with stones and went black.

Does anyone have a similar experience? Does the softness mean they had to be drunk? Or old? All I can do is look for clues in my flashbacks to try and figure out who it was.

 

[Friday]

Does the softness mean they had to be drunk? Or old?

Nope.

Blokes can lose erections at any age, and in any state, for essentially any reason. For some men/boys it’s rare, for some it’s common, for some it’s dependent on the circumstance (like they need XYZ, or A-Z, or A but not B and sometimes C).

The reverse is also true. Many old men will never need viagra & can get hard/stay hard whenever/wherever. Ditto, many drunk men get ‘whisky dick’ where gettin hard isn’t the problem, orgasming &/or getting soft is, even if they’ve cum multiple times or have been hard for hours with orgasming.

 

[Friday]

I don't know. I am just grasping around for someone, just one person, who maybe experienced the same. Blood on the thing. I know this sounds crazy.

I’ve been raped bloody plenty of times, as an adult.

Yes. Whatever it was doing the penetration? Also gets bloody. Penises. Fingers/hands/arms/feet. Objects.

(The rhythmic, rapey pain that came out of nowhere despite my having a C-section.)

Yep. That’s one of the things that sucks about gynaecological lots of things. Contractions. Gnarly periods. Cancer treatment. Misc. types of exams & procedures.

It’s so incredibly common for sexual assault victims to respond… badly …to any kind of OB/GYN anything that a whole helluva lot of them have very established methods in play.

My own handed out chocolate truffles before every appointment with a little note attached that it is “scientifically proven than nothing can be truly yucky when there is also good chocolate” …. “BUT if you would like something stronger, to just tick the box, or write down your benzo of choice & they would add it to the file”. Thereafter, at every appointment, you’d get a little box with a chocolate truffle & benzo. LOVED my obgyn.

 

[GreySouled]

Yes. Whatever it was doing the penetration? Also gets bloody. Penises. Fingers/hands/arms/feet. Objects.

This was helpful/validating to read. I've read lots of experiences and have never come across anyone mentioning the ...other body having blood on it. It obviously makes sense, but I just always need to "verify" my memories through someone else's experience. Especially given my lack of knowledge on the subject.