I'm Fed Up With Attachment Theory

[Deleted member 28942]

Hi,

I've been thinking about attachment theory lately:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

and I am getting tired of it. I tend to lean more towards the avoidant attachment style. However, things are not as black as white. I am generally a very social person and easy going. If I want to I can have a large diverse group of friends.

When it comes to intimate relationships I attract anxious and/or avoidant people or they are attracted to me. Also, I've had some manipulative (ex)friends. I can't really relate to this theory. I can relate more to developmental trauma as described in the book The Body Keeps the Score. What are your thoughts on attachment theory? Do you find it useful?

 

[Chava]

I don't think it has to be black and white either. I think, like many theories or models, it provides a sort of helpful framework. There is a broad gray spectrum. But I do relate very well to avoidant and it absolutely affects my social life. I function really well at work and in sort of casual settings but I do not feel comfortable getting close to anyone and I really struggle in the area of seeking support from others. I probably was somewhere on the attachment disorder spectrum as a kid (a nurse meant just as much to me as my mom...anybody could have taken me home and it might not have mattered too much to me).

BUT, if I do get close, I start feeling a little more disorganized (maybe why it's easier for me to be avoidant). Like with my therapist...I need too much reassurance to know she isn't going to dump me for being a f*ck up. I have a hard time believing in the connection sometimes...like she isn't really real. I have pretty deep connection and attachment issues. And we are really working on this...and one reason I haven't let myself just quit or disappear with this therapist, because she seems to get it.

So anyway, I relate well to avoidant and sometimes disorganized attachment styles. They really do pervade most of my what-could-be closer relationships. I'm really isolated. I've taken all the standard assessments and don't have a personality disorder, but feel like I was probably on the edge of an inhibited reactive attachment disorder as a kid, and a tiny bit of borderline and more avoidant personality disorder features as an adult. But I'm being treated for complex and developmental trauma, which covers all those threads. I liked van der Kolk's book, but for developmental trauma and attachment issues, I really love Laurence Heller's "Healing Developmental Trauma" (combines features of trauma and negative attachment symptoms).

You only have to be fed up with the theory if you believe it's supposed to be black and white or cookie-cutter like. It's not, in my opinion. It's a framework for loosely understanding how we approach primarily our significant/close/intimate relationships. It's possible to have a load of friends and good acquaintances and be really not very close or attached to any of them (how I operated when I had more energy).

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Thanks @Chava, your pint of view gives more meaning. My frustration comes from my temporary therapists this summer. We did not have a good fit to say it nicely.

I can see that as a general framework it is OK. Sometimes I avoid talking about feelings and problems. However, I also have a boundary issues and I sometimes trust people I should not. Sometimes, I am being naive. This all comes from my family my mom in particular who was manipulative.

Today, I talked to a friend and I opened up a bit and told her that I am going through therapy and few other small things. She didn't judge me and it means the world to me. She is a good friend.

 

[Friday]

Attachment theory was formulated for infants & toddlers.

Most of outgrow the developmental stages of infants and toddlers & move on to more complex development.

Spoiler: More

Until just a few months ago I'd never ever heard whispers of attachment theory being used with adults (and I've taken a helluva lot of devPsych classes). It does make sense that there can be valid applications of it with adults, especially dealing with early childhood trauma, but at most it would only be a small facet of the overall picture. Hell. In Early Childhood Dev. it's only one facet of a facet. A very fluid one, at that... Because the same enfant (0-2) can have different attachment styles with different people, in different scenarios, & situations both at the same time, and over a period of time. But attachment styles / attachment theory? Still only 1 small part of normal attachment / bonding / self awareness / discretion / etc. in stages of development. It's a piece. A rather small one, at that, and it doesn't apply to everyone ever, much less always.

Something very key to know... Developmental Psych is the softest science, in an already soft science (psych). There are huuuuuuuuuuge problems with many if not most of the practice & theories

(Developmental psychologists are usually the first to admit this! They tend to be a very quirky bunch / very adaptable. Although I'm sure it comes with the territory when there are 6 theories for the exact same thing, and they're all right / all wrong / it only matters on a case by case basis so wheeeeeeee! I mean, can you even imagine working in a field where the possible answers for 6+4 include, 9,11,207, kittens, if in the presence of a tribe of red clad warriors turn to page 60. Wait! Page 60 of what? We're not telling. Figure it out.)

... Not the least of which being sociocultural issues that flat out negate at least 1/3 of the "best" theories. Like, if A then probably B or C... Works in North America & Northern Europe... Most of the time. But the exact opposite is true in about 1/3 of the world, and in another 1/3 of the world (insert 50 different variations). LOL I have a good friend, PhdPsych/Dev.Psych, who runs around the world disproving well held theories. Started on accident when she wanted a paid vacation to Bali, so turned it into a research study. Come to find? Half the things that are held as true for western babies, are total bullshit for babies from cultures that don't set their children on the ground until 1-2 years old. Same is true with most DevPsych theories. Absolutely true! Sometimes. In some cases. In some areas. But not at all, or maybe only partly true, if you leave your sociocultural niche.

So whenever you're looking at developmental psych? Large grain of salt to begin with, and then know that human development is so complex, that there is no single unifying theory that applies to everyone. Far more often, we're looking at hundreds of facets / hundreds of theories / that goes into each child & adult's progress through the lifespan. A lot of which are conflicting, and most of which we only have vague attempts to describe.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I don't like it, have you read up on adult attachment - dismissing (Ds), secure - autonomous (F), preoccupied - entangled (E), unresolved (U)? Might be of more use.

 

[DogwoodTree]

We're not telling. Figure it out.

I love your posts. You make me laugh. :)

Seems like this statement could be applied to a dozen other theories used in psychotherapy, too. Doesn't mean the theories/approaches/therapies don't have any use, because some of them do work some of the time for some people.

I had a T tell me last week (this T is new to a practice that my regular T referred me to for expert opinion on a specific issue...only problem is, the lady they assigned me doesn't know crap about the issue I need help with)...she said that until I had seriously tried one of three...exactly three...trauma therapies, then none of the other stuff I had done over the past 25 years meant anything...everything else was just "dabbling around the edges" and would never have any real effect on my symptoms...and any of those three would show serious reduction in symptoms within about 8 weeks. And she kept saying that if I wasn't willing to work hard and do the homework with those three therapies, then I wouldn't see any progress with them, either. That, in my opinion, is a serious setup for a major guilt trip if one of her pet therapies doesn't, actually, work.

I think, lots of different theories and therapies give unique perspectives that can be helpful, depending on the person. That's where a true, expert T has such value--they know of so many different ways of looking at similar problems, and have the experience and expertise to help narrow down to the most helpful insights, as well as finding unique ways to apply theories/therapies that is really customized to a particular client. The same could be said for expert teachers, or expert doctors, or expert anything. An expert in the person's field has found a way to rise above science and approach their work as an artist.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

@FridayJones:
"So whenever you're looking at developmental psych? Large grain of salt to begin with, and then know that human development is so complex, that there is no single unifying theory that applies to everyone. Far more often, we're looking at hundreds of facets / hundreds of theories / that goes into each child & adult's progress through the lifespan. A lot of which are conflicting, and most of which we only have vague attempts to describe."

I agree. I don't like the labeling. When that therapist told me I am avoidant I felt upset because it is not always the case. Sometimes I am sometimes I am not. Also, she wanted me to reach out to people to anyone. However, that is a bad advice too because if I reach out to the wrong person - as I have done in the past - things only get worse. I love Brene Brown research on vulnerability and shame. Here is a great advice from her:

I agree with what she is saying and it is important to think which person can bear the heaviness of the story, which person will really hear me out without judgements and trying to make it better or to shame me even more. If I reach out to someone who cannot do that then everything goes to hell and no attachment theory helps.

@DogwoodTree I hear you about your therapist. For me this is a big trigger:
"if I wasn't willing to work hard and do the homework"
because my mom used to blackmail me and threaten me with this kind of statements. Just someone saying I have to do my homework throws me into a cycle of shame. I will be processing these memories with my current therapist using EMDR. My current therapists is the only one so far that understands and is able to be there with me without judgements or trying to make it better. If I hear one more therapist telling me I have to do my homework I will tell them to "shove it up your ass".

This:
"they know of so many different ways of looking at similar problems, and have the experience and expertise to help narrow down to the most helpful insights, as well as finding unique ways to apply theories/therapies that is really customized to a particular client"
No truer words have been spoken. The therapist needs to be able to find what works best for the client instead of following some cookie cutter template. Amin!

 

[ZebraWestie]

Fantastic insights people, thanks

 

[shimmerz]

For me, attachment disorder was only interesting enough for me to figure out how and why I was attracting the types of people that I was. THAT was leading to further traumatization.

1. I looked at everyone who passed me by, straight in the eye and tried to elicit a positive response. Narcissists LOVE that. It is like a beacon to them. Pick me! Pick me!
2. I was loyal to the END - no matter what someone had done to me. Even if the END was detrimental to my health and wellbeing. All bad.
3. I was a people please (people besides myself, mind you). Pleasing the narcissists that I attracted in 1. (above) was a REALLY bad idea.

There is more. I won't bore you. The above 3 items I put down to my 'attachment disorder'. No idea what it is called, but basically I had no sense of discernment. Ever. Makes sense when one realizes that the first 2 years of my life were spent in 20+ foster homes.

Idk, I guess I am just trying to say that I am (and have) dealt with attachment issues as it relates to trauma only. I am (have) not treated it as a separate entity. I feel like the attachment stuff set me up for more trauma and THAT I didn't need. Not sure if anyone actually understands this post except me....

 

[Stickler]

...my behavior fits in with what's called anxious/avoidant adult attachment style?

...I feel pulled to get closer, AND I want to run away from people...it's logical, given that my dad's abuse was so devastating.
...It was so devastating because I really intensely loved my dad.
I'd already been sexually assaulted by two men ( one known neighbor, one uncle ) and had a third stranger attempt to force me into his apartment at gunpoint.
( Why me? f*ck if I know. )
But being assaulted by them was a LOT less heartbreaking than when dad started doing it every night that mom was not home. That...well, our original died, is what it feels like? She died.

So I do love intensely, and want love and affection with...well...a painful level of craving. But at the same time, I fear the people I love. I expect them to turn on me. I kind of always have one foot out the door, on some level...trust goes away really easily? Or rather I trust but I dread...which I guess is not trust at all.

 

[void]

Attachment theory was formulated for infants & toddlers.

Most of outgrow the developmental...

listen to this one^^^^^^^^
he is wise

 

[Stickler]

Well...realizing it and working on my...semi-irrational fears...has been pretty helpful?
Yes, people do hurt you, but unlike my dad, they don't generally do it deliberately, right? And I'm an adult. I CAN walk away from people.
Being aware of the push-pull ( at one point I was totally unaware ) and applying logic to it is helpful.
Kids don't logic so much. Adults do.
If we don't like how we relate to other people, we can work on that.