Inadvertently controlling partner's behaviour to avoid my ptsd triggers

[Little_Big]

I've recently started a new relationship, and it's the first one I've had since I've become aware that I have c-PTSD (before I had no idea why I was feeling what I was feeling, it was incredibly confusing and stressful).

As I'm doing my inner work I'm becoming more and more aware of why these are, what they are, where they come from, and in what situations they are more likely to cause a bigger reaction in me than other times (eg: sleep deprived, pmt, haven't meditated, haven't eaten etc). I'm also beginning to understand I have a choice in how I focus my attention, and have started, with smaller triggers, to refocus on my body feeling, move away from stimuli before it overwhelms me, recognise it's a flashback etc. However, at the moment I'm feeling really sensitive and this is feeling much harder.

Lots of my triggers are really normal human stuff: the look and sound of someone eating, drinking water, swilling liquids in their mouth, coughing and blowing their nose. I'm inadvertently controlling my boyfriend because I can't bare it if he comes towards me eating something crunchy, or swills his mouth out before bed. It's normal stuff that he is within his rights to do, and I feel I am restricting his behaviour through merit of my reaction to it. He is a very generous, understanding and caring person but I can see this impact of this on him.

Has anyone been in a similar position with their partner? How did you navigate their need for autonomy and freedom with your own?

With thanks,

LB

 

[Deleted member 541]

The problem is, they are your triggers. You can't control others or they behaviors. Eating, drinking and food related stuff is a normal behavior. Instead of trying to control his behavior, you need to find a way to deal with the trigger. Avoidance only works for awhile so that won't help either. Coping skills will, and facing these triggers will eventually help to lessen the effect that they have on you. Exposure therapy in other words....

 

[Friday]

I ask myself : Do I want to be abusive & controlling?

That takes the focus entirely off of them, where it doesn't belong, and puts it back on me. Where I can actually do something about the triggers&stressors, my reaction to them, my affect (facial expression, body language, tone of voice, etc.), & how I treat others.

One of the things that's really nice about the daily things? It builds up a pattern of behavior so that when the big things hit? The knee jerk isn't to lash out at them, or blame them, (aka several forms of enraged helplessness), nor to fall to pieces... But to have a zillion history points / very well worn path of right-sizing & finding solutions. Of course, one of the other nice things is that as I manage myself? They lose their sting / the triggers and stressors get chipped away at, blunted, & some sooner some later... Vanish. Because I'm severing their connection to trauma. And they're just normal things, again.

 

[Little_Big]

The problem is, they are your triggers. You can't control others or they behaviors. Eating, drinking a...

Thanks She Cat, agreed they are mine and it's not about the other person. However I don't feel exposure therapy would work for me, when I have been forced into situations of exposure I have become increasingly retraumatised with each trigger.

 

[Little_Big]

I ask myself : Do I want to be abusive & controlling?

That takes the focus entirely off of them, where...

Thanks for your thoughts Friday. I know it is not about him. Nor am I being abusive in the way I respond, or lashing out, however I'm aware that my requests towards him around these things still have an impact.

For me, the little daily things are the big things, they are the big things that hit me and they haven't been 'normal' to me for around 20 years, since I was 10 or so. What I'm asking for really, is thoughts on how to deal with being triggered by a partner without having to request they stop doing whatever action it is that is causing the trigger (aka, controlling them).

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Lots and lots of inner work seems to help me. It's an ongoing learning process and there is no finish line, that I've found.

Breathing techniques (especially diaphragmatic and alternate nostril) practiced daily, getting out in nature barefoot, soaking up vitamin d straight from the source, growing edible things, purposeful movement that's fun, to me, done daily, remaining mindful of my consumption habits internally and externally, learn to sit with ALL the feelings rather than run like hell, talk therapy and support group, mindful non-violent communication with others and self, finding the roots of each of the things that brings me the most pain/frustration/annoyance and deciding whether to pull it or fertilize it, keep stress levels at a minimum every chance I get - often done simply by remembering I can only ever control my own behaviors and choices - not those of others, soaking in a hot bath with epsom salts a few times a week, smelling sweet smells that bring good thoughts and don't make my nose and throat raw or disrupt my endocrine system, fueling my body with what it actually recognizes and can healthily process and eliminate, massage therapy once a month, and I'm sure I'm forgetting others, but you get the idea.

Continually working on my overall wellness and learning to get to know myself more thoroughly from the inside out - which is different than how I remember being taught - helps me to better respond to my own needs, which then helps me more healthily respond to the needs of others. Have a whole tool box of things that help you at hand and don't be shy about using it. Major time and effort spent on recognizing my own needs, and then making it a point to follow through daily, even when I don't feel like I need to, seems to be my best chance at my most functional way through this game called life. Best wishes in finding the grooves that best suit you.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Tornadic Thoughts So, what you are basically saying is...... You have a huge supply of COPING Skills so that when you're are faced with a trigger, you can deal with it a bit better?!?!?

 

[Little_Big]

Awesome, thank you! Totally agree. Consciously re-focusing on the whole picture of my being-ness over time to gain more resiliance and less reactivity to triggers over time. Thanks for the reminder of the bigger work.