Intimacy Issues, But They Don't Seem To Match Up...

[John Myers]

I see a lot of post about lack of interest in being intimate, I have the opposite issue... My fiance has some medical issues (spina bifida and the things that comes with it) and has 0 sex drive. I can't honestly say I am looking for sex or have the urge for the act of sex. It just seems like during the whole process, foreplay etc, is the only time I feel like I am not alone. I notice the urge to, as she says, "Be up her a#&" all the time and want to be close and touching comes as my bouts of depression come. Does any one else have this issue? or does anyone have advice? I'm not even real sure what I expect from this honestly...

 

[Anna]

I also find I need a lot of intimacy not to feel alone. It is not love, it is just comfort. I find cuddling really helps. Even if just on the sofa watching a video or whatever. Sitting on opposite sides of the room or in different rooms doing different stuff just throws people apart. Even holding hands and all that stuff. It helps tons.

 

[John Myers]

But that is so hard to explain to someone. Intimacy does not equal sex but sometimes it is hard to remember that.

 

[ProudWife99]

I think the concept of intimacy is different for everyone. My husband and I don't kiss very often because I do not like it. We do hold hands whenever we get the chance and snuggle when I feel comfortable with that.

My husband has always done very well with closeness throughout his PTSD, but I was doing a poor job of meeting his needs regarding touching and holding. He had to discuss it with me and also with our therapist before I could make sense of what he was saying. Our intimacy issues came from much of the same place. We could be together physically and I would have no problem, but when he wanted me to hold onto him, play with his hair, or those things..I felt uncomfortable.

I have had to (slowly) learn how to be comfortable with those types of touch. We often spend time on opposite sides of the room when we're doing different things, but I always try to make a point to be close to him when I can.

I think this is a discussion best had with a T, as when he approached me alone I felt attacked and defensive. Are you guys seeking couples counseling?

 

[John Myers]

We are not. financially we can't. I work a min wage job and she is finishing her degree so I can start school soon. Sounds like you and my fiance are of the same frame of mind. I can see the "as when he approached me alone I felt attacked and defensive." when I try to talk to her about it. Hopefully things will get better..

 

[Loveneverfails]

You might try reading The Seven Levels of Intimacy by Matthew Kelly. My T had me start reading it to help myself separate sex and intimacy and it really did help quite a bit(no matter how bitter I am about love in general) to clear all of it up. Hope it helps!

 

[Pale Warrior]

We have had huge problems with sexual intimacy since the accident but none with kissing, touching, holding, hugging or the like. Infact, we have ritualised some of it into what we call "grooming parlour" time. This involves hair brushing, head/neck/shoulder massage and pedicure.

Safe, non sexual, limited by agreement and WONDERFUL.

 

[John Myers]

Pale Warrior, I will suggest that to my Fiance sounds great

 

[Mary Burgess]

In the last relationship that I had, I think she also had some ptsd issues...at first she told me she loved me, then basically pushed me away, because in some way I reminded her of her perpetrator when we tried to have sex. We did agree to be friends, then I was falling in love with her all over again. We never kissed, but cuddled a lot, and it was a lot like the way the relationship was going the last time around. I finally did tell her I was falling in love with her even more this time, and needed to distance myself. I am thinking that she felt like I was wanting to have sex with her, when all I really would have needed was some commitment on her part - sex is one of those very personal things between two people. I would have been willing to have waited it out till she was ready, but because I told her she was very much in love with her, she heard something completely different, and now it is the end, and we have gone our separate ways. It all is very, very sad....
My point is, intimacy and sex are totally different....

 

[Mary Burgess]

'but because I told her I was very much in love with her..." sorry for the typo

 

[SunflowerKitten]

John -

My ex husband was born with spina bifida and hydrocephalus, i was married to him for over 10 years, and i was his caregiver for over 6 yrs.

One thing anyone thinks and feels when they are sick or have limitations of any kind, is that their suffering is their own and no one else feels pain.
They get wrapped up in their problems.

Your fiance may feel the same way, and the minute she hears she isn't doing something to your liking, she will shut down.

What anyone healthy or ill need to understand is that intimacy is a word for a wide range of things.
There is sex, "being intimate", fore play, cuddling, affection, passion, ect.

Being intimate or wanting intimacy can be simple as a hug or kiss, cuddle, holding of hands, spooning, ect.

Everyone needs to try and explain to their loved one what they miss or what they define in their mind as affection and intimacy.
The smallest touch can do wonders.

I do know first hand about being shut out and having no affection or intimacy from a person who is sick or disabled, and it is the worst feeling in the world.

Communication is key, but many times that is impossible with someone who just sees their own pain and disability.

Your feelings are valid, and don't be ashamed for wanting some closeness or touch.
Instead of using intimacy, say i need some affection or touch time.

Try to research free counseling, ect.

If you need a support group for being a caregiver to your fiance, i can guide you to a great site, just message me.

Take Care and Stay Strong to all.