General Is He Doing The Same With Me As He Did With Her?

[Tinyflame]

And you've said he is gentle & such, :tup: . Doesn't sound like his primary focus would necessarily be on cheating. PTSD behaviours could certainly be misinterpreted for many things. And of course, there could be even other reasons or things as well.

Some of that particular issue (parenting), the problem can also include one's 'fear' of being a good-enough parent. A human (natural, not uncommon) fear or concern, but exascerbated by ptsd.

Most importantly, you can always change your mind as well. I think it's good to ask your heart of hearts. :hug:

 

[Lidia]

Absolutely, @Junebug . And it is also hard to evaluate my own behaviour towards him. I tend to push people away as well with my insecurities. He may also be doubtful that I am fully over the relationship I gave up for him (in fairness, I did not give myself time for closure and I may be expecting too much right away in my new relationship because of that). He is certainly being extremely cautious with me and he has a point in being so. I should ask myself what my rush is for, actually...

As for children, I think he may have the double worry of being a good enough parent (given the bad example he had. His dad abandoned the family) as well as that of losing someone as important as a child (after losing his fiance' many years ago).

If he is the man of my life, of course I may change my mind. No point having children with a man I don't love for the sake of having children. If the man I love is not capable of having children, then I will decide what to do.

Thank you so much! I feel positive again today. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Well dear @Lidia , all any of us can do is work on our own 'stuff', & recognize what affects us. I am so thankul/ fortunate/ relieved/ :notworthy: when I find the causes for why things affect me as they do, mostly with good relationships it's my past. And boy, my past is enough to kill me in the present! Seriously. :rolleyes:

:hug:

 

[Lidia]

Well dear @Lidia I am so thankul/ fortunate/ relieved/ :notworthy: when I find the causes for why things affect me as they do, mostly with good relationships it's my past. And boy, my past is enough to kill me in the present! Seriously. :rolleyes:
:hug:

I can relate to that 100%! Understanding 'what' is going on and 'why' things are unfolding as they are removes that sense of ambiguity and uncertainly that can trigger severe anxiety in people like us. How does your past affect you, if you don't mind me asking? :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh my, dear @Lidia, I could probably list the ways it doesn't easier than the ways it does! Partly because I never thought it influenced it at all. A somewhat screwed up (but happy) & yet independent, frightening & tenuous childhood, some neglect, some abuse, some assaults, ptsd fairly early & self-destructive coping mechanisms, bad choices, some frightening people/ men. Oh well! Could have still been worse, too. Real relief when feelings occurring in the present can be traced to the past & determined 'why' I feel as I do, & yes can be overwhelming anxiety (& much else).

:hug: :hug: ( ;) )

 

[Jezanna]

@Lidia : Yes, eventually I was able to trust that he wouldn't treat me like my abusers but it took years not weeks or months. It was very, very, hard for a long time.

 

[Lidia]

Hi all,

I am devastated today. He has been rather insensitive with me over the past 2 months, never wanted to see me over the past 2 weeks including last week when it was his birthday. For the past couple of months, contact has been initiated by me all the time. I have been trying to make him see what he is doing but it just ends up making it worse...

I started to see a hypnotherapist today and she recommended that I leave him. She was not even interested in the issues he may have. I just told her how he does not let me into his evenings and weekends and she automatically assumed he is not keen on me and told me that he is probably married. She had no hesitation in suggesting that I get rid of him. Trust me, she said, if someone cares they look for you.

I no longer know what to do...he has clearly chanced a lot with me over the past couple of months and it could be that this has nothing to do with PTSD, as @Pencil suggested. But he could also be going through a difficult time with dissociation. How do I know?

I do have a terrible feeling in my guts, though. Something isn't right about him...he is very secretive and I am no longer sure that is due to his PTSD...

I really really care for him and like him. I thought he would make a great companion, as we like the same things. I don't know what to do...I am just wrecked...[DOUBLEPOST=1400783849,1400783648][/DOUBLEPOST]@Junebug , thank you for explaining. I can identify with some of that. Like you, understanding what is happening is the thing that soothes me the most. I cannot be bothered with those therapies of 'focus on empowering yourself by taking action'. Unless I can put my finger into exactly what is going on, it is unlikely that I will move an inch...

Thank you for your support and sorry for the late reply. I was travelling over the past few days.:hug:

 

[Pencil]

I cannot be bothered with those therapies of 'focus on empowering yourself by taking action'. Unless I can put my finger into exactly what is going on, it is unlikely that I will move an inch...

Great insight. I'm the same, but have never been able to verbalize it like this.

 

[Lidia]

@Pencil , I think there is too much emphasis on getting people well and out of therapy as soon as possible, merely for a matter or costs (either to the government or to the person). But unfortunately I feel treated like a shallow idiot by therapists like these. Also, I am a scholar in my daily life, I think about life in very complex ways. I feel insulted when someone is trying to make me believe that life is simple. A good therapist should also evaluate who is in front of them...not impressed! But maybe I am missing the point. I will try again and see what she can do for me before I form a final impression on her.
Did you have similar experiences? Who support you, if anyone? I mean, what sort of approach do the professionals that support you use? This woman I am seeing is a cognitive behavioural hypnotherapist.

 

[Pencil]

The very idea of CBT makes me uncomfortable. I'm not in therapy but I know a behavioural approach wouldn't work with me, neither would coping skills or anything 'practical' even though I couldn't really explain why.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Pencil , aspects of CBT done on (my) own, weren't so bad. :hug:

Dear @Lidia , this isn't a great explanation but 'dissociation' doesn't go on indefinitely per se. Isolation may.

I hear what you are saying. In essence the most simple actually is the most complex, but I don't think that understanding or answers come easily, especially if so much has been 'avoided'. I think it's too painful. But yes, if anything, uncontrollable dis-empowerment has been more productive than empowerment for me, albeit terribly difficult & painful & frightening. :(

((((((((Lidia))))))))))