Is There A Website Called...

[BV101]

what the f*cking hell are you thinking you stupid stupid woman?
If there is please show me where I can find it. I am still off work, but today the other half thought, "I know lets go to the lake". I wasn't having such a great day, all the work, life, shite, drinking stuff has f*cked me up recently, but off to the lake we go. The kids, wife and me.We get there... then nothing. She just stares at me. What the f*ck do you want woman? I really REALLY wanted to just throw them in the lake.

You know what I hate most of all? The fact that my wife thinks a walk to the lake is a nice time. How is that a nice time? How is it going to help. I hate my family. I hate them.

Pause... breathe.

and of course the day was ruined, by me again. You know sometimes I want to just kick her in the face. She just talks total inane shit, that doesn't matter. I don't give 2 f*cks whats for tea. EVER. I'm not bothered about it. we eat, we don't eat.

right I am stopping now. Apologies for the bad language and unpleasantness.

 

[Jimmy1]

Disregard

 

[BV101]

Jimmy,

I know. I feel such a shit now for typing all that. I was just so frustrated with it all you know. I have 2 great kids and a great wife, but sometimes it just feels like I am so far away from them. I have some kind of emotional dis-association with them sometimes. The wierd thing is I can see it coming. Its like sometimes I am so really unhappy, I just want to drag other people down.

I'm not sure its total bullshit btw, because thats how I genuinely felt, but maybe I should have not bothered putting it up. So apologies if it caused offence.

 

[BV101]

Oh, and I didn't actually threaten or verbally abuse them... I was just a miserable shit.

 

[Jimmy1]

Nah mate, its all cool. Maybe you got me at a bad time too.
I am going to suggest to Anthony that he put a private diary type section for all of us.
An 'Enter at own risk' type area for us veterans only. I know partners and carers like to know what is going on, but sometimes you just need to vent.

On another matter, I know what you mean by being distant. My mother came to see me early on in my diagnosis, and she said that she could not reach me. I know what she means now.

I edited it and got rid of it mate.

Sorry if I annoyed you

Jimmy

 

[BV101]

its ok. I was really stupid for writing it, so apologies from me as well. Its just sometimes she really does my head in. Perhaps its better not to put EVERYTHING on here!

 

[Jimmy1]

Nah, its cool mate. I suppose that is what the site was originally intended for.
So people could vent away and not have to worry about language, format, etc. etc
My bad.But yes, sometimes its like no one understands. I know what its like mate.

They talk about the stress bucket getting full of good stress and bad stress. Well there is only so much that can go in then it overflows. The only problem is that the military taught us that in times when we are injured or stressed, get angry. The adrenalin kicks in and look out whoever is in the road. Unfortunately its usually those we love the most.

Cheers
Jimmy

 

[Nate1]

Jimmy,
I hear you on the military training, you just pushing everything down in to your boots until those boots are to full and you explode.
I undersand that the cares and supports like to know what some of us are going through so they can help the people they care about but they will never truely know where we have been and seen. It is just hard for me to explan to family and friends of mine that are not in the military what it is like to be over there and then when I do the say something like, "I understand how you feel." or "you will get past it."

Alan,
I have been there with my wife and kids and I know it is hard. I feel sometimes I take my stress out on my kids and it is unfair to them. My wife is very hard headed and can be a real bitch sometimes and over this last year it has been really hard on me not to reach out and punch her in the face. Now when she goes off on me I just turn away from her by going to one of things that ground me like doing the dishes where I use mindfulness.

I am very sorry for jumping in to this converation and I hope I didn't get in the way.

Nate

 

[BV101]

Nate, jump in as much as you like for me mate. Today is a new day and it went okay. Jimmy, thanks for the understanding.

 

[Minxy]

Mr. Todd,
Please don't worry about being judged for what you wrote up there. This isn't a place where everything is supposed to be puppies & rosebuds. It's a forum, about PTSD... I can only speak for myself, but I'm pretty sure that everyone knows you don't really intend to kick your wife in the face. This is a "safe place" for you to say whatever comes to mind in an environment free from judgment and blame.
I hate it when I see you guys in pain/anger like you were at the time of your post, but as a caregiver, I have to say your raw honesty really helps to open a new window into my sufferer's mind. Although you're all different and individuals, so much of your feelings are the same.

 

[BV101]

My other half is nails. If we ever got into bayonets at dawn, I would get my ass kicked! I'm glad my post was a bit of use in the end though. And you can call me Alan as well. When I read "Mr.Todd", I thought it was from me bank manager for a minute!

I don't feel like this all the time. Its like a big old pressure pipe and for a while its all fine, then I balls it all up. Frankly I don't know how she puts up with it. I think its my cooking skills that make up for the rest.

 

[Toria]

Hi Alan - I'm with Minxy - it was a bit of a shock when I first read your post... but it gives an insight in to what may be going on in my husband's brain and how one person can think they're doing something nice for someone and yet how they see it in such a totally different way.