J
JMM_28
I apologize ahead of time for the long post, but I think details are important and I really want to get the best advice that I can.
My (ex) boyfriend went into the army after his father suffered from a traumatic brain injury sustained from a car accident. Due to the medical bills, they had to sell his father's business (which he was supposed to take over once his father retired).They built motorcycles together, and his father was a drag racer. He is the ultimate gear head and motorcycles are his passion. His father passed away on hospice the same week he returned from the military. We started dating 2 weeks later (in 2/2014). Being with him was a breathe of fresh air, we celebrated St Patty's Day at the parade where we drank all day, and I projectile vomited on a girl trying to rush to the bathroom. (my friend said it's good luck apparently when you throw up on the first date?) I guess so because we made it official that day. We spent every moment we possibly could together. He stayed at my place every night, we took a shower in the morning and went off to work/school until we can be together at night. His mother met me after a couple of weeks and we loved each other since the very beginning, she treats me like her daughter and I call her Mom. She has always been such a saint and truly a blessing to have in our lives. My ex and I have all mutual friends (people he knew before he went into the military) and he was happy to reconnect with them all when we starting dating. We literally had the best first summer together, we are such a silly couple: fun, loving, goofy, adventurous... we share a lot of the same interests (except I love football and he doesn't) we would spend some nights laying in the grass looking up at the stars and sharing stories. I never felt more appreciated or blessed in my life.
We broke up in 10/2014, he started working his first job since being a civilian and he felt like he needed to get his life together and he never took the time to do so. The adjustment was hard for him. He told me he didn't love me and didn't think he ever would. (It did not feel that way to me at all, he showed me every day in his actions that he loved me.) We didn't speak for 3 weeks. I was a total mess but I masked it well. I started to feel a little better around week 3 (when he started feeling really depressed) and of course he finally came around when someone told him I was on a dating site and he said "moving on so quickly?"... I sent him our kiss from the St Patty's day parade and said "if you don't VALUE this, then what do you care what I'm doing?" Both of us agreed shortly after being back together, that we needed those 3 weeks to take a step back and really appreciate the love that we have for each other. We promised to work on our small issues, and he would work on his communication. The holidays were amazing, we had our 1 year anniversary together, he finally told me he loved me on Easter morning in 4/2015 (yes, it took him over a year), we spent the summer hiking with our dog on "family day" which was Sundays, and we went on long motorcycle rides together. We took trips with our friends, and we went on our first trip alone in 9/2015 to Niagra Falls and had an amazing time.
Out of the blue, he broke up with me this past Saturday at my best friends wedding. There I was all dolled up, and feeling wonderful, and suddenly felt like my prince left me at the ball. He told me the same thing as he did a year ago: "I love you but I'm not in love with you and I don't think I ever will be, I'm just not happy, and you deserve better"..... it just doesn't make sense to me.
First of all, we have been looking to buy a home since April 2015. Just last week he had one of those random moments where he had a really long busy day and we hardly talked, so he called me and said "babe, I f***ing love you so much". He told me he wanted to give me the world, he looks deeply into my eyes when he tells me he loves me, we dance in the kitchen, he plays with my hair when we talk to each other, we talk about being married, having kids, our retirement. IT MAKES NO SENSE. In the past 5 days, I have concluded (but I'm not sure if I'm even right) that every time he is stressed out to the max he isolates himself. I think he broke up with me because he feels guilty for putting me through this in the past and doesn't want to carry the guilt and hurt me more. I feel like he needs time to get his ducks in a row and I know hes been feeling like he's not where he should be in life (but who really is?). He doesn't put his personal stuff on social media but he wrote a long message that explained him hitting rock bottom and said "its hard to please others when you are not pleased with yourself, and as cliche as it sounds i just need to do me". And everyone was pretty shocked by it. He hides his pain very well and buries everything. Since Saturday, I have seen my doctor and a counselor to make sure I am taking care of myself. I told her everything and that he texted me last night. We take a class together and I would be seeing him tonight for the first time, and that I never responded to his text. The counselor told me if he was completely done with me, he would have made absolutely no effort to reach out to me.
He was diagnosed with PTSD a month ago by the VA but still has yet to set up an appt with a psychiatrist. (Mind you we have been trying to get him to see one for a year now to sort out his feelings, his anger outbursts, his detachment issues, his sleeping problems). I told him it was very important that he seeks professional help and that when he does is when he will start recovering. I told him to research PTSD and learn symptoms and signs so that he can recognize them in himself, and that seeking help does not make him less of a man. They will give him the right tools to deal with his triggers. HE cannot do this alone that clearly has failed since we are back to square one. I told him I cared about him very much and I just want him to get better, and he said he cared for me too. I asked him if this was "it" for us and he replied "for now". He kissed me on the forehead and we headed home separately. I guess I wasn't surprised with that response since it's only been 5 days and he said he hasn't had time to think about any of this.
I was happy to hear he was at the VA today. My emotions are like a roller coaster every day. I wake up every 2 hours if I don't take a sleeping pill, and even so, it wears off after 6 hours and I toss and turn for the last 2 hours before I wake up for work. I've lost 6 pounds in 5 days. I cry mostly at work and I have weak moments and strong moments. I do NOT have any gut feeling that this is over for us. I feel like we have a deep love connection and that we can get through this and find a way back to each other. I realize recovery can take a long time, but I have always supported his needs, I have always helped when I could and I always stuck by his side. I have read many posts on here and read many break up or get divorced, but is there any successful stories?
Again, I am sorry for such a long post, I am honestly here to let all of my feelings out, to vent, and to learn and take advice. Prayers are welcome, as I will keep you in my prayers as well. Thank you.
My (ex) boyfriend went into the army after his father suffered from a traumatic brain injury sustained from a car accident. Due to the medical bills, they had to sell his father's business (which he was supposed to take over once his father retired).They built motorcycles together, and his father was a drag racer. He is the ultimate gear head and motorcycles are his passion. His father passed away on hospice the same week he returned from the military. We started dating 2 weeks later (in 2/2014). Being with him was a breathe of fresh air, we celebrated St Patty's Day at the parade where we drank all day, and I projectile vomited on a girl trying to rush to the bathroom. (my friend said it's good luck apparently when you throw up on the first date?) I guess so because we made it official that day. We spent every moment we possibly could together. He stayed at my place every night, we took a shower in the morning and went off to work/school until we can be together at night. His mother met me after a couple of weeks and we loved each other since the very beginning, she treats me like her daughter and I call her Mom. She has always been such a saint and truly a blessing to have in our lives. My ex and I have all mutual friends (people he knew before he went into the military) and he was happy to reconnect with them all when we starting dating. We literally had the best first summer together, we are such a silly couple: fun, loving, goofy, adventurous... we share a lot of the same interests (except I love football and he doesn't) we would spend some nights laying in the grass looking up at the stars and sharing stories. I never felt more appreciated or blessed in my life.
We broke up in 10/2014, he started working his first job since being a civilian and he felt like he needed to get his life together and he never took the time to do so. The adjustment was hard for him. He told me he didn't love me and didn't think he ever would. (It did not feel that way to me at all, he showed me every day in his actions that he loved me.) We didn't speak for 3 weeks. I was a total mess but I masked it well. I started to feel a little better around week 3 (when he started feeling really depressed) and of course he finally came around when someone told him I was on a dating site and he said "moving on so quickly?"... I sent him our kiss from the St Patty's day parade and said "if you don't VALUE this, then what do you care what I'm doing?" Both of us agreed shortly after being back together, that we needed those 3 weeks to take a step back and really appreciate the love that we have for each other. We promised to work on our small issues, and he would work on his communication. The holidays were amazing, we had our 1 year anniversary together, he finally told me he loved me on Easter morning in 4/2015 (yes, it took him over a year), we spent the summer hiking with our dog on "family day" which was Sundays, and we went on long motorcycle rides together. We took trips with our friends, and we went on our first trip alone in 9/2015 to Niagra Falls and had an amazing time.
Out of the blue, he broke up with me this past Saturday at my best friends wedding. There I was all dolled up, and feeling wonderful, and suddenly felt like my prince left me at the ball. He told me the same thing as he did a year ago: "I love you but I'm not in love with you and I don't think I ever will be, I'm just not happy, and you deserve better"..... it just doesn't make sense to me.
First of all, we have been looking to buy a home since April 2015. Just last week he had one of those random moments where he had a really long busy day and we hardly talked, so he called me and said "babe, I f***ing love you so much". He told me he wanted to give me the world, he looks deeply into my eyes when he tells me he loves me, we dance in the kitchen, he plays with my hair when we talk to each other, we talk about being married, having kids, our retirement. IT MAKES NO SENSE. In the past 5 days, I have concluded (but I'm not sure if I'm even right) that every time he is stressed out to the max he isolates himself. I think he broke up with me because he feels guilty for putting me through this in the past and doesn't want to carry the guilt and hurt me more. I feel like he needs time to get his ducks in a row and I know hes been feeling like he's not where he should be in life (but who really is?). He doesn't put his personal stuff on social media but he wrote a long message that explained him hitting rock bottom and said "its hard to please others when you are not pleased with yourself, and as cliche as it sounds i just need to do me". And everyone was pretty shocked by it. He hides his pain very well and buries everything. Since Saturday, I have seen my doctor and a counselor to make sure I am taking care of myself. I told her everything and that he texted me last night. We take a class together and I would be seeing him tonight for the first time, and that I never responded to his text. The counselor told me if he was completely done with me, he would have made absolutely no effort to reach out to me.
He was diagnosed with PTSD a month ago by the VA but still has yet to set up an appt with a psychiatrist. (Mind you we have been trying to get him to see one for a year now to sort out his feelings, his anger outbursts, his detachment issues, his sleeping problems). I told him it was very important that he seeks professional help and that when he does is when he will start recovering. I told him to research PTSD and learn symptoms and signs so that he can recognize them in himself, and that seeking help does not make him less of a man. They will give him the right tools to deal with his triggers. HE cannot do this alone that clearly has failed since we are back to square one. I told him I cared about him very much and I just want him to get better, and he said he cared for me too. I asked him if this was "it" for us and he replied "for now". He kissed me on the forehead and we headed home separately. I guess I wasn't surprised with that response since it's only been 5 days and he said he hasn't had time to think about any of this.
I was happy to hear he was at the VA today. My emotions are like a roller coaster every day. I wake up every 2 hours if I don't take a sleeping pill, and even so, it wears off after 6 hours and I toss and turn for the last 2 hours before I wake up for work. I've lost 6 pounds in 5 days. I cry mostly at work and I have weak moments and strong moments. I do NOT have any gut feeling that this is over for us. I feel like we have a deep love connection and that we can get through this and find a way back to each other. I realize recovery can take a long time, but I have always supported his needs, I have always helped when I could and I always stuck by his side. I have read many posts on here and read many break up or get divorced, but is there any successful stories?
Again, I am sorry for such a long post, I am honestly here to let all of my feelings out, to vent, and to learn and take advice. Prayers are welcome, as I will keep you in my prayers as well. Thank you.
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