Relationship Is This Emotional Abuse?

[Sephira]

Hi guys, I need some advice and you all are so good sometimes at seeing what I don't see because I'm in the thick of it. There will be a bit of backstory, I apologize.

I'm angry at my beloved, so so angry. Last month, he had an extremely stressful situation arise at work, and he began to display lots of avoidance behaviors along with being just straight mean. I don't know how else to put it. I asked him what was wrong over and over, and each time was told nothing. We began to fight over the smallest things and one day he blew up over my tone of voice. He cut off all contact for two days, then said he'd "give me another chance." (After this he explained that there was something wrong at work, but I should have known).

He said if I didn't improve *MY* behavior, he was leaving me. He gave me the deadline of May 2013, and told me to set up a contingency plan because if I don't change I may never see him again (he's overseas in Bahrain atm, and I'm in the U.S.).

He wants things to go back to how they were when we first met, free and easy and fun with no strings. The thing is, it's hard to be free and easy and fun when you are worried about the man you love leaving you. And anytime I do anything wrong in his eyes, I'm back at square one. He wants perfection, and I am not perfect nor should I have to be.

Last night, we had a great night at first, talking on skype and playing video games . The room I was in got hot, and I was probably a bit dehydrated, and started playing the game poorly. He told me to get a drink, and open a window and I did and played better. He started calling me dumb, and yelling at me then hung up. Today, he didn't contact me at all, and when he just called he said he shouldn't need to wipe my a**, and that I stressed him out hence why he didn't contact me.

But it's what he said afterwards that bugged me. He said he thinks I'm mentally unstable and I have some sort of mental disorder because I'm jumpy and unsettled. He says there is something fundamentally wrong with me and I need to fix it...that the more he asks me to go back to how I was, the more he sees I can't and that I'm a sham.

I'm jumpy because trying to deal with his untreated PTSD and struggling to be what he wants and consistently failing. I have to meet this bar to stay with him, and I'm just not meeting it. I can't discuss any of this with him because any relationship conversation triggers him.

I can hear Nicolette And Amethyst now saying "Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries!" I have set them up, but he constantly crosses them. He says im in no position to make any demands and any conversations about new boundaries triggers him. I'm tired of the eggshells, tired of the nastiness...just tired. But when he isn't triggered he's so great. I'm the only family he has, and I'm worried if I leave, what will happen to him. He literally has no one. He says if I can make him happy till May he'll leave Bahrain and head back to the UK to get his PTSD treated...so I'm trying.

I think he is emotionally abusing me and I'm enabling him to do it. If this were a normal relationship, I'd be gone. But I know that his PTSD is the cause (he was never like this before his PTSD onset). So, I'm trying so he can go home and get better, but I'm at the end of my rope. So frustrated!

 

[amethist]

He says if I can make him happy

This really stood out for me Sephira, "If you can make him happy", what is this guy on. It is not up to you to make him happy.

If he is like this with you on Skype, can you imagine what he would be like in person.

Much as you love him, I would be very wary about having a close contact relationship with him until he can see the light.

I would be tempted to tell him to stay in Bahrain, until he makes himself happy.

I hope you can pull this round though, to help you feel better, but stick to the boundaries and maybe set a few more.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think it is emotional abuse. He needs to be in treatment and instead he is verbally beating you up. He does not respect you at all. He is taking advantage of your good nature.

I know you love and care for him but you have to love and care for yourself too. Tell him he needs treatment.

You are human and no one is perfect. He is hurting you so much. is it worth it to you to be so pounded on? I wish you the best. It is so hard to love a controlling person.

 

[Abstract]

This is unacceptable behaviour and very damaging for you. I think when it comes down to it it is important to keep in mind the oxygen mask in the aeroplane concept. We have to be healthy and safe ourselves before we can consider being there for someone else. Despite the situation he is in and his lack of support you still need to be safe.

When he says these things to you do you tell him specifically that they are unacceptable and that you will not be treated that way? After he has calmed down is fine when dealing with PTSD I think but it needs to be said. Every single comment or behaviour that is unacceptable has to be addressed.

It sounds like he is largely functioning by displacing and projecting his "badness" onto you. He therefore will not change as he will be seeing you as the problem and not owning his own behaviour.

Is he getting treatment? If not then your support might be stopping him from being desperate enough to get help.

 

[Bilby]

He says if I can make him happy till May he'll leave Bahrain and head back to the UK to get his PTSD treated...so I'm trying.

So... he will only get treatment, if you make him happy until May. That's ridiculous, and manipulative, and I would question whether or not he would actually go through with it anyway, since he has put such conditions on it.

I see you're familiar with the boundaries thing and as Abstract has quite rightly said, pulling him up and pointing out how his comments make you feel when he speaks/treats you in this way. However, it seems to me that he is a very manipulative person and is putting unrealistic conditions on your interaction with him, and your behaviour. Honestly? You are who you are - be proud of that - and I don't think you need to change aspects of your personality to fit in with his ideas of what will make him happy, particularly when they are so unrealistic and controlling. Don't let him (or anyone for that matter) make you feel like you are not good enough, that you can't make them happy. That's nastiness, alright.

Is it emotional abuse? I strongly suspect it is, yes.

B x

 

[Rumors]

Sephira,
You are no man's doormat. I think there is something about him that is fundamentally flawed!

If you want to fight for this relationship, I would suggest you go talk to a professional that can help you figure out what is going on. Then, I would let him know you are going and you expect the same commitment from him!

I have never met anyone who is perfect nor have I met anyone who doesn't have bad days. It sounds to me like he doesn't want to share in your bad days with you rather he wants you to not only deal with it on your own but as well don't even let on something is wrong. He wants you to smile and be happy 24/7. You should be looking for someone to share your life with in good and bad times, not hide the bad.

So sorry you are realizing this but better to deal with it now! Even better he is in Bahrain maybe!

 

[Abstract]

So... he will only get treatment, if you make him happy until May. That's ridiculous, and manipulative, and I would question whether or not he would actually go through with it

Very well put.

would suggest you go talk to a professional that can help you figure out what is going on. Then, I would let him know you are going and you expect the same commitment from him!

I totally agree. And I think that if he agrees and accepts then it would be wise to have joint sessions too. Sometimes the only way to get people who project to this level to see what they are doing is to have a witness who is a professional to be referee. I would probably insist on this from the start along with the rest.

 

[safenow]

It is totally abusive. I know you say you love him, but may I ask why? If he is this way now, what will he be like if you marry? Do you really want to be treated like this for the rest of your life? There is no excuse for him to treat you this way, PTSD or not. Unacceptable.

Be good to yourself. Boundaries that "he" won't accept? Then why waste your time on him? If he can't do that for you? Just my humble opinion as a woman who lived with abusive men. Shut that door quick before you make a bigger mistake.

 

[p-no]

He says if I can make him happy till May he'll leave Bahrain and head back to the UK to get his PTSD treated...

Besides this being what others already said, it also suggests continuing to make him happy once he's back. I am taking a guess at it but he won't just be better because he's back, with you and getting treatment. He is the key element of success or no success while being treated! If he is not willing to go for himself and himself only, you will have to continue to make him happy, be his engine, provide him with whatever he takes out of your making him happy to advance. This is full-blown dependence!

I can't discuss any of this with him because any relationship conversation triggers him.

To be honest, if a person can not talk about any (!) relationship issues, in my view, this person is not able to have/maintain a relationship, be it for PTSD, any other disorder or no diagnosis and still not being able to.

If this were a normal relationship, I'd be gone.

In my view, this is a normal relationship in the sense that you are both in it equally (each having 50% of the 100% of the relationship) and that you are responsible only for your own 100%, if you know what I mean. No one, no matter what the background (be it PTSD, a**holeness or whatever), can treat you like that. Well, literally they can, and if you let it happen, the relationship gets the "prefix" abusive.

Having boundaries and maintaining them are two separate things, I have learned for myself. At first, you set them up if you don't have them. Then you maintain them and defend them. There is no end to this! If someone constantly crosses them, you will have to constantly defend them. At the end, that was another reason I left mx ex husband (different disorder), just not wanting to defend, well, basically me, all the time, especially not against someone who treated me like less than a doormat.

 

[Hashi]

What you describe is serious, and I'm glad you're questioning what's going on.

I'm sure he does want things to be free and easy and fun, and for you to make him happy. However, that's not a realistic, responsible or adult approach to anything.

I can't discuss any of this with him because any relationship conversation triggers him.

As a sufferer, I feel entitled to challenge this. He may not even know that he's playing the PTSD card here, but that's what he's doing. Its a very effective way to get off the hook.

I don't think it's a trigger but a stressor. PTSD makes stress especially hard to deal with and this can be difficult and upsetting, but this isn't the same thing as a trigger that has the risk of retraumatisation. There's a thread that explains the difference:

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/stressor-vs-trigger-what-is-a-trigger.13912/[/DLMURL]

Yes, he has PTSD and therefore it's difficult for him to deal with stress and distress. That means he has to prioritise what he addresses and he has to work to take care of himself through things that are stressful. This is usually intense for people with PTSD, but it's true of everyone else as well. Everyone has difficult and distressing things that they have to deal with. I'm sure trying to have this kind of discussion is a stressor for you too.

I'm the only family he has, and I'm worried if I leave, what will happen to him. He literally has no one.

I could say that isn't your responsibility, which it isn't, but I can understand that probably wouldn't make much difference to how you feel.

What I would say is that you might be doing him much more harm than good by continuing the relationship as it currently stands. However well-meaning your support, it might be better for him if you withdraw it sooner rather than later, unless things change.

In the short term, he might feel better and more able to carry on if you walk on eggshells and effectively give him your energy in order for him to keep going. In the medium to long term, it will only reinforce his lack of taking responsibility for himself or working on recovery, and this won't help him. It will make his situation worse and set him back even further. Then what will happen when you're completely burnt out?

If this were a normal relationship, I'd be gone.

In many ways, it isn't a normal relationship. Supporters have to make huge sacrifices and find great inner reserves to be in a relationship with someone with PTSD. At the same time, it's still a relationship. You're still entitled to get things out of it that makes it worthwhile for you, not just worthwhile for him.

PTSD makes life very difficult, but it doesn't excuse sufferers from treating other people with respect and consideration. It doesn't mean that one person in a relationship should do all the work for both. It doesn't mean sufferers are entitled to always take without giving, to have the only say in how things are run, or to say hurtful things then refuse to discuss it because we're too sensitive.

But I know that his PTSD is the cause (he was never like this before his PTSD onset).

What you describe are not symptoms of PTSD, but symptoms of someone with PTSD who is not willing to take responsibility for their behaviour.

Have you read the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft? If not, I wonder if it might be worth having a look at it to see if would be helpful in understanding abusive behaviour and what's really going on?

 

[Abstract]

What you describe are not symptoms of PTSD, but symptoms of someone with PTSD who is not willing to take responsibility for their behaviour.

This is it in a nutshell. Someone can have many struggles but if they are able to take responsibility for themselves then it makes it much easier for others to support them. The problem is that at this level of functioning I doubt he even realises he is doing it and that is very concerning.

He is the key element of success or no success while being treated!

Yes. And he is far from acknowledging that and that is going to cause trouble.

If he is this way now, what will he be like if you marry

I think this is both true and wise. Whatever he struggles with relationship wise will be magnified with closer proximity.

Hopefully having many who have PTSD themselves answer you will help you see past PTSD to his behaviour and your safety.

 

[monicaelise]

PTSD or not, why would you want to be anyone's psychological punching bag? What exactly is in all of this for you?