It Seems No Matter How High A Wall I Build...

[jd9900]

Once that wall is breached, I become the monster I knew I would become. The "person" I don't consider human anymore; I am a product of my own worst fears and a personification of everything I try not to be.

This is usually the moment in time where I stare at what I wrote, and see a bright side...a...a something. An anything. Anything that makes me not feel like this. That wall was breached yesterday, and for as much as I preach feelings of hope and success, I too fail...fall...I know I will get back up, It will click, and I will stand again. I know this. But I am so tired. So very tired of falling down.

Maybe the wall wasn't breached in so much as maybe I allowed an opening, and...it didn't work out the way I had planned, and that put me here, I guess. So many reasons I have to give up. *Takes a breath* Yeah, so many reasons to give up. I feel that way. I also know that every time I stand tall I am better for it, no matter what.

I'm just beaten down tonight. And as much as I know that I could click my heels and go back to Kansas...There is something that keeps me here. I know I am supposed to be strong. I know I can be, and I know I will be again. I am just not...on my feet...right now.

Most if not all of this is just me venting - having a really bad 2 days to be honest. Sorry to go on, and thank you for listening. I promise I am not looking for advice, or support, or pity...I am just...I trust you guys, that you know what it's like to feel like this.

And I really don't have anywhere else to turn to express these feelings, so I do thank you all.

 

[wolfkitty]

Holding a space for you, yes I know how it feels!

 

[scout86]

If it helps to not feel alone, then don't feel alone. The part of yourself you usually show around here is pretty cool. I'd be willing to bet that's the real you. I'm tempted to add that I'm wrong a lot. LOL But that's not a reflection on you, it's just the way things have been going the past few days. So, don't feel alone!

 

[Mommyof5]

I feel you, and I like the way you write. Here is to a better tomorrow. *Cheers*

 

[jd9900]

Well, I cashed in all my karma chips. ough Please forgive my typos - I am relatively certaon I have broken at least a finger and a wrist hittibng many dooors. The shaking isn;t helping either.

Im beyond tired. I left a crappy lifee for another crappy one, then went back to the least crappy situation and here I am...

I get it. I am the f*ck up. My spouse, you are not. Let me go or I will just f*ck things up worse. stop holding onto a dream I cannot fufill. I can't even spell. Let me go.

I am just trying to do what I think is right. It feels like I am a semi coming through with 18 wheels and she holds up a gauze piece of tape hoping I won't break through.

Everytime I breakthrough she seems surprised. Then drifts off. As though...

As though I don't notice how afraid she is of me when I am here. I begged....literally on hands and knees I begged her to leave me alone. She kept pushing my buttons, and I did what I could. I didn't do enough....I tried. I failed.

I am so angry. I hate feeling like this.

 

[scout86]

You're reminding me of something my therapist talked about awhile back. Unfortunately. I'm running late & have to leave in a few minutes. I'll give you the condensed version of the story.

He works with a lot of kids. He was telling me that sometimes, when they come in, they are too wound up to sit down and talk about anything. He tells them to go out & run up and down the hallway for awhile and come back when they're ready to do something else. Usually they're back in the room ready to do other things pretty fast. Then, that particular day, in a different way, he more or less told me I could run up and down the hallway for awhile if I wanted. Which I kind of did, figuratively speaking. I didn't "get" what he'd done until several hours after I'd left. (Duh!)

Where I'm going with this is, maybe you're at a point where you need to go someplace and beat on an inanimate object for awhile until you burn all this off. Preferably safely. (Speaking as someone who has punched a wall in frustration on a few occasions.)

When you're tired and stressed out is not the time to make major decisions. It's time to find a place where you can let the dust settle, reassess and regroup. I get much of how you feel, believe me. Hang on to the thought "this too shall pass", if you can't find anything better to hand on to. Because it will, right?

Take care!

 

[The Albatross]

That wall was breached yesterday, and for as much as I preach feelings of hope and success, I too fail...fall...I know I will get back up, It will click, and I will stand again. I know this. But I am so tired. So very tired of falling down..

Personally, I hate it when things don't go the way I plan or expect them to. That happened to me yesterday and the beast came out in full on fight mode (verbally). It sucks.

But then, I remember "Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again." I get back up, dust myself off, and endeavor to run on/go again.

 

[jd9900]

I hate it when people quote Mandela. I miss him so much, and as long as my days stand I will worship him as a prophet, nothing more and certainly nothing less. He is what I strive to become and will always try yet always fail at living up to his mark. He could have lived to be 300 years' old and still such the boy...the man...the hero he is to me.

(I'm sorry it is just hard for me to let him go.)

 

[The Albatross]

Perhaps when you get some levity, you may benefit from his point. My apologies, I had no idea of course.