ByYourSide
New Here
I'm having trouble - for background on J and I see my intro.
I'm having anxiety attacks. In sequential order this is the cliff notes:
-this girl was a friend but I once saw her ask "do you want her to come back home with you?" and he replied with a solid "No." Ii confronted him about it and he was he was "just being tough" and i expressed that it made me feel weird because to this girl i mean NOTHING to J. that's how she sees it. i asked what their relationship was he said friends. i ALSO asked if i were to read their conversations would I be mad/sad/hurt. He Said no. I said alright, trusted him, and moved on.
-J later tells me he's been thinking a lot about us and he doesn't think as soon as he gets out he's going to just leave me. He says I'm too awesome and important to him to just peace out. He always says "you get my drift?"
-I got his drift.
-Few weeks later he is being sentimental and tells me "I love you but i think I'm really falling in love with you" he said he'd known for a while just scared to admit it because he doesn't want to get hurt. i said i had always felt that he could just leave me on a dime and not give a f*ck -- he said " i don't think i could do that"
-I let him know that HE should know i'm not going anywhere (I'M THE ONE IN CONSTANT FEAR OF LOSING HIM!! - I didn't tell him that)
- So we are in cutesey dating bliss for a while.
**background info -- we don't hang throughout the week so I always considered the weekend our couple time so i spend a lot of time in his apartment fri-sun. He does not express that he does not agree. Fridays he'd be like "so when you coming over tonight?" like it was a ritual and when i asked if he wanted to hang out he says "of corse!" **
- On a friday I ask J if he had talked to THE girl mentioned above lately and he said "not in a long while"
-That night while he was knocked out on seroquel he received a text from this...girl that read "red heels" -- not a beginning of a convo THE MIDDLE OF ONE.
- that moment i knew he had lied. which made me wonder why. i opened his phone and read their conversations ONLY that. did not look through anything else. this is what he had been saying to her (she also has a BF)
---"you got me in trouble" referring to the first convo and when she said sorry he said its okay she's "codependent and crazy" OUCH.
--- He later admitted that when he got back from iraq or training he had wanted to propose to her. she said she would have said yes. he said he now "felt bad"
--- He also had sent her a picture of him almost nude. ONE HE HAD SENT TO ME AS WELL.
- I confront him that morning. I do not yell. I do not cry. I tell him i know what is happening and its hurting me. Its emotionally cheating. its inappropriate. His face went to a far away land -- blank
- I said my part. and only asked if he had ever been cheated on? (yes) how it felt? (super shitty) and if he thought their relationship was appropriate? (no)
- I thought it was OVER, he was going to say f*ck IT GET OUT!! he was angry i looked a the messages - i apologized and explained that i asked if he had spoke to her , he said no, she texted him. He had lied to me and that's why i looked - there was a reason.
- After I turned on Modern Family and let him sit on the couch with me and process what had just happened. for an hour and a half i pretended that we hadn't had that talk.
- he eventually laid his head on my lap.
- Later we both talked in a rational way he said he would not longer talk to her and he realized what he did was wrong. I said that i needed him to call her, they needed to talk about what they were doing and both consider if it was appropriate, then not talk to her ever again. He agreed.
- He also let me know that he felt i was hanging out too much -- i told him i didn't know. I can't read minds when youre pretending everything cool with it! I'd MUCH rather have a little sting now then he bring that up in his BREAK UP speech.
- He said we need to take a break from hanging out NOT from our relationship. I said ok.
- He admitted i was on the path to losing him because i've been "too emotional lately" I agree i had been - i didn't know what was happening just little shit made me cry. He said he can't handle his emotions and MINE --- and i know that. he would cuddle me and tell me its okay when it was happening but inside it was infuriating him!!! I said I will work on that.
-So i left that day with a hug, kiss and an I love you at my car. That day i was OK. Sad more than anything. It was a Sunday.
-Monday -- Monday i was confused. I didn't know what this 'break' entailed?? a week? until he decided that he wanted to see me? So i asked him and he came back with a surprising answer he had actually planned on seeing me later that day and was trying to make us plans for saturday...okay sounds good. We met up and he was so sweet i was quiet but loving. He would open my door, smile at me, put his hand on my knee while driving. He said that he talked to the GIRL and they decided that it was unfair to each others significant others and the agreed to terminate their communication. He said that he was scared, he grew up with a 'never settle down' attitude and he said there's a voice inside that says i'm the one he needs to be settling down with. I later noticed he even deleted her from facebook. DAMN. serious man. We parted that early evening with a kiss and a "i had a good time today with you" i went home a little more relived but still hurt.
- Tuesday -- I WOKE UP SO PISSED OFF. i would go through anger/confusion/resentment/worry that he'd do it again/ wondering what was wrong with me/ talking myself down with "he loves you, he's telling the truth"/ then acceptance and a neutral attitude. I looped through that about three times that day. I think my mistake was telling him about it. I needed him to know that our calm little Sunday talk wasnt enough and i needed questions answered. This was all over text. He said that "honestly if i were going through that i'd leave me" THAT'S NOT f*ckING COMFORTING!!!!!!!" i let him be and felt a little better that i got that off my chest. he said i was overthinking everything.
after that i went into this worry spiral if me telling him was too much, or freaked him out, or pissed him off. Its been like that for three days. I'm just so worried that i'm losing him and hes jsut going to be like "well, yeah i dont want to be with you" -- (we had a breakup that most of you can relate to he had 'switched off' in January during a treatment breakthrough. but later said he wasnt in the right state of mind and said he needed me now more than ever)
I feel like he can just drop me and move on and I'm just going to break.
I do not over text him. I wait every morning until he initiates it. It worked awesome. Yesterday i asked if i could come visit him and 'our' dog. he said yes. WE had an awesome night. laughs, smiles, kisses, adventure, BAKLAVA. AWESOME. I made the conscious decision to be upbeat- happy- and smile. I very receptive to others feelings and lately i have been mirroring his -- when i'm chatty kathy and hes silent i assume he doesnt want me to talk and i shut up. He said "babe, i don't want you to be like me. i want you to be you" so i did. and our night was awesome.
i am on cloud nine.
since we have been dating his discharge from the AF has been in the works and he had been in all sorts of treatment. he takes a lot of med to stay normal everyday. or fake normal everyday.
Now -- his discharge is nearing. His med board is next week. I asked if he's going home and he said he didn't know. He HAD told me he probably wont. If he gets enough compensation to live on here he says he will stay -- but if he cant suuport himself he will have to go back to The Bay and live with his dad. We've talked several times about how he doesn't want to live with his dad since hes been living alone so long and that the cost of living in SF is so high itd take forever for him to get back on his feet. He wants to go to school for photog and had thought about staying here -- for me -- and getting his basics done.Oklahoma. cost of living is super cheap in comparison. During us not hanging out he's spent EVERYDAY with his friend that just got back from UAE--
i asked today if he feels better and if he feels like hes getting the time he needed even though he's with John everyday now. He said yes. is it just dude time he needed?? I kinda pulled a 'well you said you wanted to be away from me and alone but you are with him all the time' thing. Its was more eloquently put. I actually choose my words with him carefully always. not to be accusatory, or needy or mad. he said "babe honestly drop it. i don't want to talk about this" i just said "i know. i'm just scared" i continued our convo just by asking about normal stuff he replied -- which is an excellent sign.
he believes his discharge will happen June-July and i don't know what to do with myself!!
am i pushing him away with my emotions when i'm really just trying to keep him???
i'm having several panic attacks a day thinking of him leaving, me pushing him away, him withdrawing because of me/his fear???
I can't tell him i'm having panic attacks about it because i'll smother him. I have dropped the emotional cheating. Its over. I believe everything he says to me about love and fear and never doing the cheating thing again. I BELIEVE HIM. I believe that he wont just leave me and that he wants to settle with me. BUT i have to figure out a way to stop pushing him away and reel him back in before the 'should i stay or should i go' decision is to be made. because there's a little f*cker living in his brain with him. the one that shuts off and breaks up with me and is scared.
if anyone reads all of that shit...thank you. because i'm pretty smart in communicating with him. but there is also something in me that slings me into those attacks (that i cant tell him about in fear of him thinking i'm codependent) those attacks send me into a panic and thats when i grasp for him i cant stop! I need some assurance that we will be okay every once in a while. I'm sure you can tell i love him more than anything so i'm going to do everything in my power to not let that go. He feels the same way somewhere in his head --
I'm having anxiety attacks. In sequential order this is the cliff notes:
-this girl was a friend but I once saw her ask "do you want her to come back home with you?" and he replied with a solid "No." Ii confronted him about it and he was he was "just being tough" and i expressed that it made me feel weird because to this girl i mean NOTHING to J. that's how she sees it. i asked what their relationship was he said friends. i ALSO asked if i were to read their conversations would I be mad/sad/hurt. He Said no. I said alright, trusted him, and moved on.
-J later tells me he's been thinking a lot about us and he doesn't think as soon as he gets out he's going to just leave me. He says I'm too awesome and important to him to just peace out. He always says "you get my drift?"
-I got his drift.
-Few weeks later he is being sentimental and tells me "I love you but i think I'm really falling in love with you" he said he'd known for a while just scared to admit it because he doesn't want to get hurt. i said i had always felt that he could just leave me on a dime and not give a f*ck -- he said " i don't think i could do that"
-I let him know that HE should know i'm not going anywhere (I'M THE ONE IN CONSTANT FEAR OF LOSING HIM!! - I didn't tell him that)
- So we are in cutesey dating bliss for a while.
**background info -- we don't hang throughout the week so I always considered the weekend our couple time so i spend a lot of time in his apartment fri-sun. He does not express that he does not agree. Fridays he'd be like "so when you coming over tonight?" like it was a ritual and when i asked if he wanted to hang out he says "of corse!" **
- On a friday I ask J if he had talked to THE girl mentioned above lately and he said "not in a long while"
-That night while he was knocked out on seroquel he received a text from this...girl that read "red heels" -- not a beginning of a convo THE MIDDLE OF ONE.
- that moment i knew he had lied. which made me wonder why. i opened his phone and read their conversations ONLY that. did not look through anything else. this is what he had been saying to her (she also has a BF)
---"you got me in trouble" referring to the first convo and when she said sorry he said its okay she's "codependent and crazy" OUCH.
--- He later admitted that when he got back from iraq or training he had wanted to propose to her. she said she would have said yes. he said he now "felt bad"
--- He also had sent her a picture of him almost nude. ONE HE HAD SENT TO ME AS WELL.
- I confront him that morning. I do not yell. I do not cry. I tell him i know what is happening and its hurting me. Its emotionally cheating. its inappropriate. His face went to a far away land -- blank
- I said my part. and only asked if he had ever been cheated on? (yes) how it felt? (super shitty) and if he thought their relationship was appropriate? (no)
- I thought it was OVER, he was going to say f*ck IT GET OUT!! he was angry i looked a the messages - i apologized and explained that i asked if he had spoke to her , he said no, she texted him. He had lied to me and that's why i looked - there was a reason.
- After I turned on Modern Family and let him sit on the couch with me and process what had just happened. for an hour and a half i pretended that we hadn't had that talk.
- he eventually laid his head on my lap.
- Later we both talked in a rational way he said he would not longer talk to her and he realized what he did was wrong. I said that i needed him to call her, they needed to talk about what they were doing and both consider if it was appropriate, then not talk to her ever again. He agreed.
- He also let me know that he felt i was hanging out too much -- i told him i didn't know. I can't read minds when youre pretending everything cool with it! I'd MUCH rather have a little sting now then he bring that up in his BREAK UP speech.
- He said we need to take a break from hanging out NOT from our relationship. I said ok.
- He admitted i was on the path to losing him because i've been "too emotional lately" I agree i had been - i didn't know what was happening just little shit made me cry. He said he can't handle his emotions and MINE --- and i know that. he would cuddle me and tell me its okay when it was happening but inside it was infuriating him!!! I said I will work on that.
-So i left that day with a hug, kiss and an I love you at my car. That day i was OK. Sad more than anything. It was a Sunday.
-Monday -- Monday i was confused. I didn't know what this 'break' entailed?? a week? until he decided that he wanted to see me? So i asked him and he came back with a surprising answer he had actually planned on seeing me later that day and was trying to make us plans for saturday...okay sounds good. We met up and he was so sweet i was quiet but loving. He would open my door, smile at me, put his hand on my knee while driving. He said that he talked to the GIRL and they decided that it was unfair to each others significant others and the agreed to terminate their communication. He said that he was scared, he grew up with a 'never settle down' attitude and he said there's a voice inside that says i'm the one he needs to be settling down with. I later noticed he even deleted her from facebook. DAMN. serious man. We parted that early evening with a kiss and a "i had a good time today with you" i went home a little more relived but still hurt.
- Tuesday -- I WOKE UP SO PISSED OFF. i would go through anger/confusion/resentment/worry that he'd do it again/ wondering what was wrong with me/ talking myself down with "he loves you, he's telling the truth"/ then acceptance and a neutral attitude. I looped through that about three times that day. I think my mistake was telling him about it. I needed him to know that our calm little Sunday talk wasnt enough and i needed questions answered. This was all over text. He said that "honestly if i were going through that i'd leave me" THAT'S NOT f*ckING COMFORTING!!!!!!!" i let him be and felt a little better that i got that off my chest. he said i was overthinking everything.
after that i went into this worry spiral if me telling him was too much, or freaked him out, or pissed him off. Its been like that for three days. I'm just so worried that i'm losing him and hes jsut going to be like "well, yeah i dont want to be with you" -- (we had a breakup that most of you can relate to he had 'switched off' in January during a treatment breakthrough. but later said he wasnt in the right state of mind and said he needed me now more than ever)
I feel like he can just drop me and move on and I'm just going to break.
I do not over text him. I wait every morning until he initiates it. It worked awesome. Yesterday i asked if i could come visit him and 'our' dog. he said yes. WE had an awesome night. laughs, smiles, kisses, adventure, BAKLAVA. AWESOME. I made the conscious decision to be upbeat- happy- and smile. I very receptive to others feelings and lately i have been mirroring his -- when i'm chatty kathy and hes silent i assume he doesnt want me to talk and i shut up. He said "babe, i don't want you to be like me. i want you to be you" so i did. and our night was awesome.
i am on cloud nine.
since we have been dating his discharge from the AF has been in the works and he had been in all sorts of treatment. he takes a lot of med to stay normal everyday. or fake normal everyday.
Now -- his discharge is nearing. His med board is next week. I asked if he's going home and he said he didn't know. He HAD told me he probably wont. If he gets enough compensation to live on here he says he will stay -- but if he cant suuport himself he will have to go back to The Bay and live with his dad. We've talked several times about how he doesn't want to live with his dad since hes been living alone so long and that the cost of living in SF is so high itd take forever for him to get back on his feet. He wants to go to school for photog and had thought about staying here -- for me -- and getting his basics done.Oklahoma. cost of living is super cheap in comparison. During us not hanging out he's spent EVERYDAY with his friend that just got back from UAE--
i asked today if he feels better and if he feels like hes getting the time he needed even though he's with John everyday now. He said yes. is it just dude time he needed?? I kinda pulled a 'well you said you wanted to be away from me and alone but you are with him all the time' thing. Its was more eloquently put. I actually choose my words with him carefully always. not to be accusatory, or needy or mad. he said "babe honestly drop it. i don't want to talk about this" i just said "i know. i'm just scared" i continued our convo just by asking about normal stuff he replied -- which is an excellent sign.
he believes his discharge will happen June-July and i don't know what to do with myself!!
am i pushing him away with my emotions when i'm really just trying to keep him???
i'm having several panic attacks a day thinking of him leaving, me pushing him away, him withdrawing because of me/his fear???
I can't tell him i'm having panic attacks about it because i'll smother him. I have dropped the emotional cheating. Its over. I believe everything he says to me about love and fear and never doing the cheating thing again. I BELIEVE HIM. I believe that he wont just leave me and that he wants to settle with me. BUT i have to figure out a way to stop pushing him away and reel him back in before the 'should i stay or should i go' decision is to be made. because there's a little f*cker living in his brain with him. the one that shuts off and breaks up with me and is scared.
if anyone reads all of that shit...thank you. because i'm pretty smart in communicating with him. but there is also something in me that slings me into those attacks (that i cant tell him about in fear of him thinking i'm codependent) those attacks send me into a panic and thats when i grasp for him i cant stop! I need some assurance that we will be okay every once in a while. I'm sure you can tell i love him more than anything so i'm going to do everything in my power to not let that go. He feels the same way somewhere in his head --
