Today I was very sick so I had to stay in bed most of the day. Sadly this led to myself not being able to keep busy and distract myself from facing the many triggers I have been facing. I am taking MMA classes to help aid in my recovery but it is not easy. Although I have experienced multiple traumas, one specifically has been coming to mind. Its so hard to constantly have to face it all over again. This trauma I would consider to be one of my lesser traumatic experiences. But still, its a deep wound.
I am afraid to talk about it. Its so shameful, like many things. But I feel the need to get it out. Like maybe it would release its grip on me. I feel sad sometimes, because I felt no one believed me, not even the police. But I know what happened and I relive it constantly and it hurts so much. To fully understand I need to tell it from the start.
I was with my ex fiance and we were living in a town house with roomates. He had anger issues, and could never find a job. I loved him deeply though and held on tight. He had a habbit of disapearing with his friends for weeks while I struggle to keep myself and our roomates fed. He had been gone for his second week and it was causing me much stress. I was already suffering health problems so the stress pushed me to the edge and I ended up in the hospital. I had to walk while in pain to get there. When I felt better I called him to see if he can pick me up and take care of me till I got better. I had no one else and I always took care of him. He said he would meet me at home later.
It was around 6 or 7 am and I started walking home. It was usually a busy city but there was no one out that early yet. Usually I was very street smart and knew to be on alert when walking. I am 5.2 petite lady afterall. I must have been exhausted and in pain, because I did not hear him run up from behind me. Now that I look back I did hear him, but for some reason I did not react, my overall state was just to vulnerable.
He grabbed me, pushed me against the wall, face against the wall. He speaks spanish, although I am mexican I do not speak spanish so I did not understand him. I must have been stunned are something, it just happened so fast. Here comes the part that is just so hard to communicate. I feel so embarrassed and gross among so many other things.
He then starts rubbing all over the back of my body, focusing on my butt and reaching his hand between my legs. I don't know how i did it but I turned around and started pushing him back with my arm. I had a purple sweater and for some reason I was using that to whack him with. He tried to pull me back in the direction I just came in. I pulled away and ran as fast as I could to the 711 down the street. I did not look back, he did not chase me. I ran straight into the 711 and screamed, I just been attacked can I call the police. The man told me to use the pay phone outside. I was only 18 and did not know I could call 911 after the attack already happened and did not have money to call the police department. To be honest I did not know how to handle the situation. He did not rape me. He violated me in other ways. Was that something I needed to report. But it was so terrifying and I felt I need to make some report in case it happens agian.
I went home and call my brother who lived 2 hours away with the rest of my family. Him and other family members I had not seen in 10 years came to help me deal with the police. We met at the 711 and the police had us wait over 2 hours. The police talked to me outside. I told them what happened, but they acted like they did not believe me. They question me over and over again, then asked if I had been fighting with my fiance lately, I said yes. They then started to treat me as if I just wanted attention. They also had me react what happened to me in front of a big glass window with all my family watching. It was so humiliating. I could not show them everything, it was too hard to.
I feel stupid for letting this effect me so badly. It could have been worse. I should be happy it was just that and nothing else. Am I making this a bigger deal then what it is? IDK
I am afraid to talk about it. Its so shameful, like many things. But I feel the need to get it out. Like maybe it would release its grip on me. I feel sad sometimes, because I felt no one believed me, not even the police. But I know what happened and I relive it constantly and it hurts so much. To fully understand I need to tell it from the start.
I was with my ex fiance and we were living in a town house with roomates. He had anger issues, and could never find a job. I loved him deeply though and held on tight. He had a habbit of disapearing with his friends for weeks while I struggle to keep myself and our roomates fed. He had been gone for his second week and it was causing me much stress. I was already suffering health problems so the stress pushed me to the edge and I ended up in the hospital. I had to walk while in pain to get there. When I felt better I called him to see if he can pick me up and take care of me till I got better. I had no one else and I always took care of him. He said he would meet me at home later.
It was around 6 or 7 am and I started walking home. It was usually a busy city but there was no one out that early yet. Usually I was very street smart and knew to be on alert when walking. I am 5.2 petite lady afterall. I must have been exhausted and in pain, because I did not hear him run up from behind me. Now that I look back I did hear him, but for some reason I did not react, my overall state was just to vulnerable.
He grabbed me, pushed me against the wall, face against the wall. He speaks spanish, although I am mexican I do not speak spanish so I did not understand him. I must have been stunned are something, it just happened so fast. Here comes the part that is just so hard to communicate. I feel so embarrassed and gross among so many other things.
He then starts rubbing all over the back of my body, focusing on my butt and reaching his hand between my legs. I don't know how i did it but I turned around and started pushing him back with my arm. I had a purple sweater and for some reason I was using that to whack him with. He tried to pull me back in the direction I just came in. I pulled away and ran as fast as I could to the 711 down the street. I did not look back, he did not chase me. I ran straight into the 711 and screamed, I just been attacked can I call the police. The man told me to use the pay phone outside. I was only 18 and did not know I could call 911 after the attack already happened and did not have money to call the police department. To be honest I did not know how to handle the situation. He did not rape me. He violated me in other ways. Was that something I needed to report. But it was so terrifying and I felt I need to make some report in case it happens agian.
I went home and call my brother who lived 2 hours away with the rest of my family. Him and other family members I had not seen in 10 years came to help me deal with the police. We met at the 711 and the police had us wait over 2 hours. The police talked to me outside. I told them what happened, but they acted like they did not believe me. They question me over and over again, then asked if I had been fighting with my fiance lately, I said yes. They then started to treat me as if I just wanted attention. They also had me react what happened to me in front of a big glass window with all my family watching. It was so humiliating. I could not show them everything, it was too hard to.
I feel stupid for letting this effect me so badly. It could have been worse. I should be happy it was just that and nothing else. Am I making this a bigger deal then what it is? IDK
