Just Another Vietnam Vet

[bill7315]

Been reading some of the post, but with the meds I’m on its hard to remember and I lose a lot.

I Was in Army Engineers Vietnam, Dec. 70-71 and operated a bulldozer, earthmover, and ten ton truck driver hauling retrograde from So Central Highlands to Cam Ranh Bay.

My first six months I mostly ran a dozer and was shot at several times by VC snipers. Even spotted one once and went after him, but he got away. It’s a long story, but I and the other dozer operator that was there finished smoking the lit joint he left behind. Normally I never touched the stuff, but I’m sure he was watching so how could I pass an opportunity like that up! LOL

Maybe you had to be there to see the humor in it!?

Also saw a lot of other CRAP….. No it was “SHIT” PURE “SHIT”! And I have a few lost memories, that I don’t want back, but I would rather not talk about that now.

Some of the things you guys are talking about sure let me know that I’m not in this boat alone. And it just makes me sick to see how we are all treated by some people in the VA system. Like it all sounds like a broken record. You go for help and you get pills and if they don’t shut you up then they give you more!

Then the wife can’t understand why you won’t go and GET HELP!!! She has no way of knowing that what you really need is just not there. Or if it is by now you’re way too screwed up to know how to get it. After years of fighting with them she does not know why you have a knee jerk reaction every time you hear the word “VA”.

At least that is the way it has been for my wife.

But last week I saw another VA counselor while she was home crying and praying that I would let her be part of my (screwed up life). When I told the counselor what was going on he told me part of my problem was the wrong pills but my main problem was I am afraid!

And he was right!!! I know my pain will not get better and I’ll be in a wheelchair soon and I love my wife so much how can I put her thru all that??? But when I came home and told her why I had been trying to run her off (like she knew I was) she let me have it!

And by the time the smoke cleared I found that I had been a fool to do that to her. It turns out that she wants to be part of my “HEALTH PLAN” and no matter what comes if we are honest with each other she will always be there!

So I’ve been thinking how do I keep the VA in perspective and the only way is if we team up with the few people who still love us. But to do that we must TRUST…. Not the VA and not what someone tells you on a web site, but the one that has stood beside you all along is the one that you must trust now and let go of the anger. Sounds impossible I know, but if you just let go she will be there to catch you.

Without the trust how can she catch you…. DUMB ASS!!!!

These last commits are just to myself to remind me to LOT GO OF THE ANGER AND LET HER LOVE IN so please don’t take offence.

Don’t know if anyone gets my jabber, but I hope it helps a little anyway!

Damn pills!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Jimmy1]

Welcome mate, your amongst friends. Just remember, drugs are really only a start. With therapy it can get easier

 

[Zipperhead]

Morning.

 

[dave1]

Bill - once I was going to use your intro (Just another Vietnam Vet) for the title of a book I thought I'd write. There was nothing special about me or my experiences, other than surviving. Many saw worse but talking to other vets made me realize I wan't alone. You're doing the right thing by reaching out. There's a lot of help here.

 

[Anglesachse]

Welcome to the family Bill. You ain`t alone in this ol` boat. The fact you have started getting help is good mate, and having a better half stood at your side, and now and again behind you kicking you in the ass is realy good too.

 

[Fargo1]

Welcome Bill,

Brother I can't imagine what it would be like if my girl had stuck around to help me heal... If it was me I would do everything in my power to keep her wanting to be there!

 

[Ned]

Hello Bill. It makes sense. Somewhere on this site is the story about which wolf to feed. And you're right, the unquestioning love of a true woman is better than anything anyone else can give you.
I like the idea of chasing snipers with 'dozers, spot on, mate.

 

[bill7315]

Thank you all for putting up with my last post and the warm welcome.

Was just reading it and most of it sounds screwed up to me, but at the time I was not doing very well and I never have been any good at putting my thoughts in writing anyway so I don’t like to write much.

Anyway since the wife and I got back on the same wavelength things have been better. Last week we talked with my VA dr. and she is sending some pain meds that won’t screw with my stomach so much. And she said that might help with my anger issues. Then after we get the pain under control they want to try changing my PTSD/depression meds that I’ve been taking for the past three years.

Back in the early 90s I found out that I have degenerative disease in my joints & spine and so far I have one disc in my neck fused and two in my lower back with hardware holding things together. The surgeries helped at the time, but now things are getting bad again and it’s starting to be a problem.

When I talked with the dr. last week she ordered x-rays and I got that done yesterday and even had a mental health doc leave a message to call him for an appt.

So all of a sudden things are starting to workout. Not sure for how long, but I am trying not to “wait for the other shoe to drop” like I have always done.

Thanks again and will try to be more positive about things when I post in the future.