Lack Of Structure & Purpose...

[angel2write]

Stupid, miserable suicidal garbage again today.

It's brought on by knowing that I'm annoying my husband. I don't know how to turn it off.

I am annoying him by being needy. I keep waking him up. I keep him from getting enough sleep. He just wants me to "be happy," and I can't even do that. I keep asking him to give me something that he can't give me, doesn't want to give me, and shouldn't have to give me.

But then, I don't know what to do about it, either. I was born with a soft personality, not like my sister. I was raised to please and care for an abusive mother and father and three younger sibs. I went straight from that to four and a half years caring for an abusive boyfriend/husband.

I just want my husband to tell me what to do. I want him to set the rules of the game. I don't know what the rules are, and it drives me crazy. I want to know what the victory conditions are. I did really, really well in school because the objectives were clear and there were clear consequences or rewards for success or failure.

In my life at home with the kids, everything is much more vague. If I do or do not do my work for the day.... it doesn't matter. If I clean, or don't clean, teach or don't teach, cook or don't cook... who cares? Maybe people care, but nobody says anything.

There are no grades. No performance reviews. No one beats me if I fail. No one rewards me if I succeed. I do or don't do whatever I want. I am not technically in charge of our home, but I am, in practice, in charge of anything I want to be in charge of. And pretty much, if I don't do or order someone to do something... it doesn't happen.

You would think this would make me happy. But it doesn't. I feel lost. I feel lost in my life. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I never know if I'm doing what I am doing right or not. There are no fences, no boundaries except for artificial ones I try to imagine for myself or old left-over ones that I was taught as a child.

I feel like a bad wife pretty much all the time. I frequently feel like a bad mother, bad teacher, bad housekeeper. I never know when I've achieved the desired standard because my husband is ok with ANYTHING I do. He just wants me to "be happy." He sees his life in terms of making me happy, and I think he feels like a failure a lot because he can't "make me happy."

What on earth are we supposed to do? I would like to be happy to make him happy, but I can't seem to live without an outside, imposed structure. He'd do anything to make me happy, except try and impose an outside structure on me. I don't think he's actually capable of it. He just doesn't think that way.

I am despairing. I feel like I'm ruining his life, and he keeps insisting that I'm not. I feel so lost and unhappy. Maybe I should try and get a job. I know it doesn't make any sense at all. I'm needed here at home full time. But maybe it would feel like a relief to have structure of SOME kind again. I don't know.

 

[Shellbell]

I relate to how you feel in some waya. I feel at my low points like I have no purpose. My PTSD is severe and I can't handle too much of any brain activity, including good and bad stress, so my daily acitivities are limited.

Maybe as you have a need for structure, you could decide on your own purpose and goals and have your own rewards for when you succeed. Like treating yourself to a fancy coffee, or getting your nails done, or something you enjoy.

It sounds like your husband loves you unconditionally and that is a wonderful thing. But maybe he is afraid to set you standards or goals etc worrying he is making things harder for you. My husband doesn't expect anything from me either. He doesn't criticise me as he knows I am in pain dealing with my past. He also knows how badly I have been treated by every single person who was meant to care about me, and I think he's trying to not be another person who hurts me.

But in some ways my husband just doesn't 'get me' and sometimes that really hurts, but I am trying to understand that is not due to lack of care and be more tolerant of that. I am aware that trying to make my husband someone he is not capable of being is only setting myself up for failure or hurt, and trying to acknowledge his strengths instead. It's hard though.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Angel, maybe it's not just structure- there must be much of that for you to accomplish all that you do. But for you to recognize and believe in all that you accomplish, and your value. To Bear, your children, us here, and so many more.

As far as Bear goes, I'm sure he's not trying to make you unhappy, but sincerely understands. His posts always reflect that understanding so much better than most ever could. And in that understanding, he doesn't create pressures for you. And he simply loves you.

I don't think it's about anyone failing at being or making someone else happy. It just happens to be that you both have a common enemy-ptsd- and that can make either of you sad, at times. But it's not because of 'you'.

((((((Big big Hugs)))))