Bookoffee
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I am bored today as the office is quite. I decided to go through my email folders. I found this letter I wrote to my sister. I would like to share it and feel the courage of speaking up.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
8:32 PM
Shawn,
I need to write to you and share my feelings because if I don’t they will continue to grow
and my anxiety will turn into panic. Yes I still have much anger in me and still have not
found a way to forgive them this time. How many times do allow your family to belittle
and disgrace you before you lose complete trusts and left with no more forgiveness?
No, I am not playing a victim. I stopped playing the victim the minute I cut them out of
my life and stopped going back to them to absorb their insults, broken promises and
judgment.
Brining up those emails
has stirred up a lot of old navigate emotions. Not to mention
before we even talked, Amy and I came across a box and found some other disturbing
messages from Eric and Mom. I saved them to one day hopefully show the hateful words
and action from them. To some day show them the pain and hurt they put me through.
It has taken me so long to let go and move on, but the PTSD comes flooding back. If you
ever or still wonder why I tried to kill myself, here is your reason. I would rather face
death then the hateful, hurtful rejection of my family.
I will like to share an entry in my journal with you:
December 21, 2005
One
I Can't Remember Anything
Can't Tell If this Is True or Dream
Deep down Inside I Feel to Scream
this Terrible Silence Stops Me
Now That the War Is Through with Me
I'm Waking up I Can Not See
That There Is Not Much Left of Me
Nothing Is Real but Pain Now
Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God, wake Me
Back in the Womb its Much Too Real
in Pumps Life That I must Feel
but Can't Look Forward to Reveal
Look to the Time When I'll Live
Fed Through the Tube That Sticks in Me
Just like a Wartime Novelty
Tied to Machines That Make Me Be
Cut this Life off from Me
Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God, wake Me
Now the World Is Gone I'm Just One
Oh God, help Me Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God Help Me
Darkness
Imprisoning Me
All That I See
Absolute Horror
I Cannot Live
I Cannot Die
Trapped in Myself
Body My Holding Cell
Landmine
Has Taken My Sight
Taken My Speech
Taken My Hearing
Taken My Arms
Taken My Legs
Taken My Soul
Left Me with Life in Hell
~ Metallica And
justice for all
Growing up I moved around so many times that at times the only friend I would have is
my music. I am not writing today to look for sympathy or because I feel sorry for myself.
I stopped feeling sorry for myself a while back and started to be thankful for all the
events in my life. Without them I may not be the person I am today. They are a gift from
God and they have formed me into me. I will not stop talking about the events that took
place in my life and I will continue to share them, for they are the truth to who I have
become, who I continue to learn more of everyday, respect and love.
This song has brought comfort to me for many years because it explains how I have felt
and dealt with through out my life.
The verbal and physical abuse I suffered through from family members and strangers had
taken so much away from me. They were the machines mentioned in this song, pumping
life into me.
They had taken my sight, for I could no longer see the truth.
They had taken my voice, for I longer had the strength to speak.
They had taken my hearing, for I no longer heard anything positive or loving.
They had taken my arms, for they no longer felt comfortable wrapped around a child or a
loved one.
They had taken my legs, for I had lost the courage to walk away.
They had taken my soul, for I longer wanted to survive.
My praying to God to help me has arrived and I have woken. He has helped cut this life
from me. He has helped me be thankful for them.
Galatians 5:1315
For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an
opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is
fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." But if you bite and
devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.
Things I am thankful for…
1. My feet. They carry me and allow me to walk to you or away from you.
2. My arms. They have the strength to be wrapped around you and me.
3. My voice. It has the strength to say I love you or to say stay away.
4. My eyes. They have the strength to see the truth.
5. My Life. I have the ability to feel and cry
</End of Journal>
When we were younger, living in Gorham and before we all split mom gave each of us a
rock to hold onto. This rock became my hope that we will all come back together again
one day and be a happy, loving, accepting, caring family.
After my suicide attempt, my life took on a whole new meaning. I was a new person with
new direction. I was reformed. That rock soon became a necklace and a gift back to
mom. I no longer needed it. It no longer held the same meaning. The child that had held
onto the false hope was no longer alive. She had died that dreadful night.
Writing to you has given me more of an insight. I do forgive their ignorance and their
cowardliness to apologize. Eric told me I am the one that is missing out on life, but he has
it wrong.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
8:32 PM
Shawn,
I need to write to you and share my feelings because if I don’t they will continue to grow
and my anxiety will turn into panic. Yes I still have much anger in me and still have not
found a way to forgive them this time. How many times do allow your family to belittle
and disgrace you before you lose complete trusts and left with no more forgiveness?
No, I am not playing a victim. I stopped playing the victim the minute I cut them out of
my life and stopped going back to them to absorb their insults, broken promises and
judgment.
Brining up those emails
has stirred up a lot of old navigate emotions. Not to mention
before we even talked, Amy and I came across a box and found some other disturbing
messages from Eric and Mom. I saved them to one day hopefully show the hateful words
and action from them. To some day show them the pain and hurt they put me through.
It has taken me so long to let go and move on, but the PTSD comes flooding back. If you
ever or still wonder why I tried to kill myself, here is your reason. I would rather face
death then the hateful, hurtful rejection of my family.
I will like to share an entry in my journal with you:
December 21, 2005
One
I Can't Remember Anything
Can't Tell If this Is True or Dream
Deep down Inside I Feel to Scream
this Terrible Silence Stops Me
Now That the War Is Through with Me
I'm Waking up I Can Not See
That There Is Not Much Left of Me
Nothing Is Real but Pain Now
Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God, wake Me
Back in the Womb its Much Too Real
in Pumps Life That I must Feel
but Can't Look Forward to Reveal
Look to the Time When I'll Live
Fed Through the Tube That Sticks in Me
Just like a Wartime Novelty
Tied to Machines That Make Me Be
Cut this Life off from Me
Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God, wake Me
Now the World Is Gone I'm Just One
Oh God, help Me Hold My Breath as I Wish for Death
Oh Please God Help Me
Darkness
Imprisoning Me
All That I See
Absolute Horror
I Cannot Live
I Cannot Die
Trapped in Myself
Body My Holding Cell
Landmine
Has Taken My Sight
Taken My Speech
Taken My Hearing
Taken My Arms
Taken My Legs
Taken My Soul
Left Me with Life in Hell
~ Metallica And
justice for all
Growing up I moved around so many times that at times the only friend I would have is
my music. I am not writing today to look for sympathy or because I feel sorry for myself.
I stopped feeling sorry for myself a while back and started to be thankful for all the
events in my life. Without them I may not be the person I am today. They are a gift from
God and they have formed me into me. I will not stop talking about the events that took
place in my life and I will continue to share them, for they are the truth to who I have
become, who I continue to learn more of everyday, respect and love.
This song has brought comfort to me for many years because it explains how I have felt
and dealt with through out my life.
The verbal and physical abuse I suffered through from family members and strangers had
taken so much away from me. They were the machines mentioned in this song, pumping
life into me.
They had taken my sight, for I could no longer see the truth.
They had taken my voice, for I longer had the strength to speak.
They had taken my hearing, for I no longer heard anything positive or loving.
They had taken my arms, for they no longer felt comfortable wrapped around a child or a
loved one.
They had taken my legs, for I had lost the courage to walk away.
They had taken my soul, for I longer wanted to survive.
My praying to God to help me has arrived and I have woken. He has helped cut this life
from me. He has helped me be thankful for them.
Galatians 5:1315
For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an
opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is
fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." But if you bite and
devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.
Things I am thankful for…
1. My feet. They carry me and allow me to walk to you or away from you.
2. My arms. They have the strength to be wrapped around you and me.
3. My voice. It has the strength to say I love you or to say stay away.
4. My eyes. They have the strength to see the truth.
5. My Life. I have the ability to feel and cry
</End of Journal>
When we were younger, living in Gorham and before we all split mom gave each of us a
rock to hold onto. This rock became my hope that we will all come back together again
one day and be a happy, loving, accepting, caring family.
After my suicide attempt, my life took on a whole new meaning. I was a new person with
new direction. I was reformed. That rock soon became a necklace and a gift back to
mom. I no longer needed it. It no longer held the same meaning. The child that had held
onto the false hope was no longer alive. She had died that dreadful night.
Writing to you has given me more of an insight. I do forgive their ignorance and their
cowardliness to apologize. Eric told me I am the one that is missing out on life, but he has
it wrong.
