Lies And Ptsd

[Lunada94]

I am new here (first post!).

My husband has PTSD. He is generally a caring and funny guy. But his anxiety sometimes is overwhelming. And he has a short temper..not really exploding but sort of simmering all the time. So one day me or the kids can do something and it won't even bother him a bit. Another day we can do the exact same thing and he gets really pissed off.

So I never know how he's going to react. To me, it's all about making things less stressful for him. As a result, I don't tell the truth sometimes about our finances becuase it stresses him out so much (he's not working regularly due to his PTSD). I prefer to just handle it but i've gotten caught in a few lies lately and, of course, it blew up in my face. He has no understanding why I would lie to him about stuff like this. He can't grasp that he is moody and unpredictable. I can never count on him to take bad news well and not have it send him into an anxiety fit.

Is this a common thing amongst spouses/partners of those with PTSD..to lie and keep up appearances so as not to set your partner off?

I know it's not good. We need to find a way to communicate in a healthy manner about this stuff.

 

[mamachick]

Rose, welcome to the forum and Im glad you are here. I think you will find answers and support here, I know I have.

I dont know if it is common for partners of ptsd to lie as you describe, but it is common for victims of abuse. I am not saying that you are being abused, but walking on eggshells due to his inconsistancy is not healthy for you and your children.

I hope that he is getting the help that he needs to manage his moods. I hope that you will do the same. I know for myself, if I am not free to be truthful-then I can't say Im an honest person. That affects our self esteem. I understand completely why you feel you cannot be honest, it is to protect him.

However, your protecting him is making you work much harder to manage life and in the end, leaving you holding the bag. I know many women who are not honest with their partners about finances who do not have ptsd as well. I think its almost ingrained in us in some ways but is not healthy. Over the years I have come to be very attuned to this. examples: "dont tell your day how much your dress cost", taking an extra $20 when writing a check for groceries to pay for dance costumes or something similiar, etc

Couples can sit down and put expenses on paper and forget so much little stuff, hair cuts, a trip to the hardware store, unexpected medical or dental, wedding gift, etc. We all deserve to know the cost of living, share in decisions and solutions, and manage our feelings about it. Protecting him will not benefit anyone in the end.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Rose & Welcome!

I tend not to lie about stuff that will affect us both but I might down load my worries on a girlfriend rather than on him as he has enough on his plate. So, it kind of the truth but not the whole truth :sneaky:

We need to find a way to communicate in a healthy manner about this stuff.

Yep, that seems like good counsel, but much easier said than done.

You haven't mentioned if he has a therapist of any kind, this is the type of thing you could mention as a possible topic for discussion. I sat in on a couple of sessions with my husband to raise some points I needed to get off my chest in a controlled environment.

Best of luck, x

 

[mamachick]

Rose,
again, it is understandable to want to avoid any blow up. If he has not been violent, I would also ask what in your life caused such fear. As pale warrior stated, you havent mentioned a therapist, but it sounds like a good idea.

I also dont know the specifics of the lies. Can you tell him during a good time that you do not want to have to lie about things anymore, and make a plan for him to take a "time out" when he get so upset and that you can discuss it further when he has time to process the stressor and is calmer. For myself, I really hate being lied to -the truth is always better. As a person with ptsd, being lied to may be the most triggering for me as far as my response.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Also worth saying, in general non PTSD relationships, money is often a big cause of secrecy and lies.

I work hard not to "parent" my husband, particularly tough as he was physically dependent on me as his care provider for a very long time. Part of his healing was to re-learn how to manage his emotional responses and he couldn't do that it I protected him from the reality of our situation (pretty dire at times).

If he is going to let rip when you are caught in a lie, it is no different to telling him the truth - he gets pissed off either way. Except that when you have lied he is justified in his anger at the deceit. You are puting yourself in a no win situation by lying.

Telling him the truth gives him the chance to respond and take responsibility for his actions.

 

[Eleanor]

Hi Rose,

One of the things I appreciate most about my H from the very start of our relationship is that I can tell him Everything. So when his PTSD appeared - I had to decide whether I was going to let that go or not. I decided not. I am more careful about when and how I tell him potentially upsetting stuff - but I will not lie - even if he asks at a bad time. I also gave up "walking on eggshells". His anxiety and temper are HIS problem and his responsibility to deal with - not mine. What I have gotten very clear about since joining this site is that the more I try to "wrap him in cotton-wool" and protect him from himself the harder it is for him to deal with his PTSD. It is a hard hard thing to do, and if I am making it comfortable for him NOT to do so... well, he is only human after all.

Is he committed to getting the PTSD under control? It took me a while to admit that how my H treated me and our daughter (then 4) when he was "in it" was abusive. It was involuntary to a certain degree - but it had to stop, and only he could stop it. I used to work with battered women and saw myself participating in the same "addictive" pattern of behavior that is typical of abuse, so I had to think long and hard about whether I should stay in our marriage at all. What I decided was that if he was committed to doing whatever it took to control the PTSD and actively pursuing treatment and "doing the work" in real time - then whatever bad happened was, for the moment, involuntary, and so excusable. That doesn't mean that I didn't take measures to protect my daughter and myself - we live, most nights, in a different house so that H has an "escape" and L and I have a primarily peaceful and safe home.

I don't know what your H does, or says, or how he treats you and the children when he is unwell, but it might be worth taking a hard look at the effects on you and the kids apart from the focus on his illness. A broken leg is a broken leg after all, even if it was broken by accident. :(

Come on over to the supporter's section too, and read the stickies there if you haven't already! Sucks to be us, but its better if we are all here in it together!:)

Wishing you all peace and healing.