Life Is Nothing But Therapy

[Michel]

I am unable to work right now. My family and old friends have essentially disappeared from my life. I do nothing but see my therapist and psychiatrist, write in my journal, try to find the right set of medications, think about the past, work on recovery, read and write posts on this site. I think the narrowness of my life's focus contributes to my depression but I don't know how to start broadening my life while I am still dealing with these issues. I want to take care of myself, to the extent that I am able, but truly don't know how to begin. I've rejoined the local gym; in small doses, when I am able, I have started reading philosophy again (my old profession); I play with learning German. But my ability to concentrate is pretty minimal and I am so terribly lonely and so cut off from ordinary human life and activity.

I wonder if anyone else has felt this and found some ways to feel better during the ever-so-long recovery period - or found some way to be a part of life, despite PTSD symptoms and idiosyncrasies.:think:

I'm beginning to be afraid I post too much. But this group is a big part of the small body of resources I have. (Thank you!)

Sorry for sharing what is mostly sadness and frustration.

 

[Marlene]

Don't worry about sharing sadness and frustration...we all do it. It's a big part of PTSD. Another is pushing your boundaries and rejoining life. Joining a gym is a good start. Small steps are best. Maybe see if there's a group exercise class where you can be with people but don't have to interact in a big way. I find that making myself go out (library, grocery store, running errands, etc) when I want to stay home and away from others is one of the best ways to combat a lot of the negative stuff in my life. Agoraphobia can get worse if you don't face it head on. Sometimes just going outside and being in the sunshine helps.

There's not one good answer for everyone. We all have to figure out what works for us.

Lisa

 

[dust]

Hi,

When I couldn't relate at all, I would go to the library - I spent months there borrowing and listening to music. Cooking was good too and I bought lots of spices and made very hot curries and delicious cakes. Gym is a good thing to do too and group classes saved me in many ways. I could not interact too much with the group, but seeing people on a weekly basis helped. I would also go swimming at the same time each week, that meant I would often see the same people and be able to say hello, without getting too involved.

Regular things are good, then you can add to them as you manage more.

Good luck, I hope you find your way through.

Best,

dust

 

[kers]

Even with a steady job, I feel like my life is really all about therapy and managing the PTSD. It's just how it is right now, and how it has to be for me to get better eventually. Try to find some compassion for yourself as you struggle, that can really make a difference for me.

 

[Michel]

The Pleasure of Receiving Replies to a Post - And Some New Anxiety

I just wanted to thank those who responded to my depressed note with support and helpful suggestions. I seem to be so much cheered just by the mere fact of replies! Should I be embarrassed by this? I am grateful instead.

I'm struggling again today - this time with the possibility that I have something like DID, despite the fact that the abuse I suffered happened when I was an adult - starting when I was 29 or 30. But it was chronic, long-lasting, intense, sexuality-involving, and, since my abuser was my husband, it was "betrayal trauma," hitting my deepest "attachments" and assaulting some of my most personal, most deeply held values. I understand how DID could be the result, but all the same, I feel afraid and vulnerable.

 

[cat]

Hello Michel

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I completely understand your feelings as your trauma is similar to mine, my abuser was my ex-husband of 30yrs. As you say the betrayal that comes along with it is so very hard to bear, making you feel that if you couldn't trust someone you thought loved you how on earth can you trust anyone else. Sadness & frustration is a necessary part of our recovery process, you will find that as you reintegrate with others & your trauma becomes normalised the pain will lessen.

As you are now I spent a year off work just concentrating on recovery, doing as much relaxation as I could along with weekly psych appointments. All I can say to you is that it does get better & is well worth the intense commitment. At first I found my psychologists suggestions of pampering myself very hard ( I also have attachment disorder, so find self soothing difficult) but carried out her first suggestion of going to a health spa. It took a while but eventually I understood what she meant, now I have a job to stay away! It has helped me to restore my self respect & is helping to keep my anxiety manageable.

Unfortunately getting back to everyday life is very hard & is a case of pushing yourself through the barriers that make us want to be on our own even if we are feeling desperately lonely. I used to set myself targets (well still do!) today I will go to the library for 10mins, next time it will be for 20. I alo found walking in the park a help, with only a few people about during the week I soon got used to the regulars & gradually managed to say 'hello' then to pass the time of day, without the fear of having to interact with them.

The turning point for me was going back to work, my employer said either 'come back in the few months' or take a years unpaid leave which I couldn't afford to do. it was a very difficult as my colleagues had previously known me to be strong, rarely ill & usually bright & cheerful, its difficult to be that way when there is so much going on in your head though isn't it. I teach & luckily my head allowed me to go in voluntary for just a few minutes every day which reduced my panic attacks, it also gave me colleagues the opportunity to understand that yes, I have changed but underneath I am still there, just hidden behind anxiety.

Don't be afraid to post too much here, the forum is wonderful & has helped me through some very difficult times just be being here & understanding how I feel.

I know little about DID but there are people on here that will.

I do dissociate sometimes, it is the brains way of saying 'ok I've had enough' I'm switching off, during that time I remember little of what happened for example carrying on a conversation which has finished or totally forgetting I've been to a shop even though I have the bag to prove it.

Well, now I hope I haven't rattled on too much, I'm just hoping some of what I've said might help. Feel free to PM me if you'd like too. We can be lonely together!

Stay strong, recovery will happen.
Annette

 

[Michel]

How lucky I feel to find this note waiting for me on my return from exhausting therapy session. My therapist says I don't have DID - no alternative personalities, and DID is necessarily caused by childhood trauma. I have complex PTSD (which, contrary to what some say, is not necessarily the result of childhood trauma; it is found in political prisoners, POWs, ...) What I've been struggling with (and what made me think I might have DID) is just how much I have dissociated and how I struggle with dissociation still. The closest thing I've found to helpful discussion of my problems in the literature is Judith Herman's book, Trauma and Recovery (I think it is called). I wish I could find a gentle but serious book for sufferers of complex PTSD and DDNOS. Herman's book is brilliant but very theoretical.

What is PMing?

 

[dust]

Michel,

People can have a problem with dissociation and not have DID - it comes from living through years of abuse and instability... and is a protective mechanism. I still dissociate sometimes and it was very difficult for me not to continue at the beginning of my treatment. But addressing dissociation got easier and life got richer again.

Betweenwhile... PMing is personal messaging.

Best,

dust

 

[Monarch]

I don't dissociate as much as I used to, if any at all. I learned in 4 years of therapy to keep one foot in the present and when I start to dissociate to talk my way out of it. It isn't easy and I don't always feel great during but the effects are less afterwards.

This is all so hard and everyone deals in their own different ways, I am a complete work-a-holic, mom of 2 kids I have to have structured time because when I don't I slip into the PTSD symtoms taking over thoughts and I begin to go downhill. So for now, I am doing what I can and that is working at work, working at home and giving myself no free time to think. That isn't easy or right either so you aren't alone, I think we all just do the best we can to cope.

 

[anni]

Michel,

Hi. You're doing fine, really you are. Please don't feel you have to get into the entire trauma at the moment, because as long and interwoven as it is, it'll just re-traumatize you. Your healing process in therapy will enable you to share what you need to in order to heal further.

I'm an awful lot of years out from the traumas which caused this thing. It was long term, with so many singular events involved you need subtitles. I have a diary I began when I joined the forum because I know it's genuinly healing to release the traumas through the 'telling', but it is in my documents, woefully incomplete. The long term domesic violence from a husband spins off into so many different directions, horrific themselves, that I can't make a coherant story out of it if you paid me.

You sound similar. I can only say please be kind to yourself, value yourself, be really, really patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel all these dreadful moments of grief you have because you'll get through them. Some things, like the rampant injustices, I had to learn to completely let go of ( through therapy ) or it would eat me alive. Some things are healed now, some never will but there are tools you learn ( or develop yourself ) to deal those aspects.

I won't get too long with this post, but will say please don't think you post too much. Being validated is really important for a ton of reasons, one big one, I think, is feeling so 'worthless'. That's mine, anyway, so would suspect you've been 'bitten' with that also. Being here helps hugely with that, so when you're up to it I hope you do. :) I had to sometimes force myself to keep logging back in, too, because I had such a fear that one day everyone would inexplicably tell me to just go away.

It sounds as if you're working hard in therapy, you're here, so allow yourself some deserved peace in your heart. Your survived, too, and when you're more healed will probably be able to help others who had one of these *sswipes tear apart their lives. I joined an anti-domestic violence group last year. I can't always participate, but sometimes can and it feels really, really good. Sometimes all I can do is send money, but even that is incredibly satisfying and more than I thought I'd be able to do 20 years ago.

I hope today is a little less exhausting. Take care!

Anni