Literally Blank Mind ... Vent

[Megan]

Every morning I wake up with nothing on my mind. Nothing. It's like I'm an object. I just feel very agitated because of it. I want to LIVE again and LOVE things without being agitated or thinking twice about it.

I recently started blogging about photography that at one time interested me. But now I have no idea's what to photograph. :(. It's like I want to quit everything I start. I don't know but its like I want to quit because I am afraid of disappointments. I have no feeling what-so-ever.

I don't have any goals and I'm just trying to live w/o messing up any body elses lives because when I get in a bad mood my parents get in a bad mood. They don't freaking understand. They just say "Get over it"

I Don't know why it affects me like it does. Something bad happened to me, but I can't get over it. But Jayce Dugard has been through something much worse then I have but she seems to function okay. I can't get through a freaking day without getting upset.

I feel Like i'm the unluckiest person alive. Every day I wonder what will go wrong. Yesterday, I went to lunch with my mom and a friend and I felt like an observer watching them talk and mostly I just blanked out i guess because my mom came home and told my dad that our friend was going to go to arizona which i didn't hear. I feel like I'm going crazy because I don't hear what everyone else hears. :(. I really want to give up. Then at the movies I pay like $4.00 for a medium soda which I end up spilling every where in the movie theater (which was the last freaking theater in the corridor). I just want to give up. There is NOTHING to live for...,

My mom says that "I'm letting the ex-roommate win" by being upset all the time. Every time she freaking says this I get aggitated and angry. No one gets it!

I am only 25 years old, have no friends and living at home with my mom. I have no goals nothing interests me any more and I just want to give up on live. Every freaking thing I do fails. I can't go to the movies any more because every movie "bores" me.

I literally just go in hope i get into it and have to walk out 20 minutes into the movie because i just get upset because I used to be able to sit through a movie. I just want to scream but I don't know how. :(

I just feel like every good deed I have ever done, has gone away because of the one incident. I can never win. I don't like people in general because no one has ever given me a chance. I gave every one a chance. I could never connect with people...especially now. I just don't fit in.

My parents say "fight fire with fire" when it comes to the lawsuit, but I just don't feel like fighting any more. What good does it do?

I literally don't do anything so that no one can say I did something that I didn't do.

 

[712xx]

Have you ever taken a personality test to determine if you are an introvert or extrovert? If you feel as if you dont fit in, my guess is you might be an intro -- that is what i am (100% I). Google the Myers & Briggs type test ... learn about yourself & the kinds of things unique to you (& it is hard, but try & forget everyone else). This is your life, your horse ta ride. Take the reigns & find your own path. I tried very hard to fit into this extroverted world for a long time -- & discovered it just wasn't going to fit me no matter how hard i tried (I am a rare INTJ). Learning about yourself & what Will fit you is the only way to find true pleasure in life. Outgoing exuberent group happiness isnt for everyone; wasn't for me. I find pleasure in quieter things, & that's totally appropriate for my nature.

I hope you find your zen.
--{@

 

[Abrasky]

I get that blank out feeling too. I think it might be dissacoatiation and it is a real aspect of PTSD. Is there any way you can take your mum to a psychologist appointment so she can be educated about your mental illness. It might help.I think saying "letting your ex roommate win" is a little offensive to someone that has PTSD and it would makes me feel a bit angry if someone said this to me.

The blank feeling is a feeling like there is nothing in my head and I can't think and talk to anyone.I also got it when I hyperventilated. Maybe it would help to get a councellor to teach you breathing techniques to reduce hyperventilation (panic attacks). Panic attacks are where you aren't breathing with your lower diaphram and breathing with your upper diaphram. When I have a panic attack I think of breathing so my stomach goes out, not my lungs. It helps you breath correctly again, not shallowly. Shallow breathing is what causes panic attacks. It helps me with my panic attacks. Hope that helps.

 

[Megan]

Its like I'm aggitated just sitting around.
I can see my old self somewhere else doing the things I loved doing and not asking why am I doing this or why am i doing that or why do I quit things. I quit so many things in the past. I went to a few therapists and I think its making me worse because I have to keep talking about the past and they don't seem to want to help change things. :(

I just don't know. I just slept til 12pm today and I just feel like I am wasting my life. I literally don't care about anything or anybody because I used to care what people thought about my work but they never ever appreciated anything I did. The last straw was my cousin's wedding video. I spent 2 months and watched it over 100 times to just get it right... except what did she say ? ThankYOU? nooooooooooooooo. She said "Oh is there any more of the dance?" (Between her husband and her). Why couldn't she just been appreciated? All my life I have been criticized for anything I did or said. "Don't say that?" or "Don't do that." It's like I can't freaking do anything.

I went to college but I honestly don't remember going to college. I don't remember my old life where I was happy all the time, and could ignore the small stuff that went on. But then it became day after day, and too many coincidences. Like I wanted a blu ray player...I didn't tell my brother that, but he got one around the same time I WANTED one. My parents wouldn't let me buy a bigger tv then a 42 so he had to go buy a 53 inch tv and rub it in my face. My parents don't see what he is doing....

He has to wreck things too.
I just feel like they favor him a lot because he gets a way with stuff.
I don't have hope or faith in human being's any more. Nothing impresses me, or anything. I just don't want to live any more. I come home upset a lot because of my mental state and everyone thinks something happened when I was out. OMFG. They honestly don't understand and seem not to care.

<Edited for capitalizing first letter of sentences and I's>

 

[Philippa]

I think it gets better though.

I've just started a course I really love and am interested in, and every day is exciting...and joyful. I have been feeling so much joy lately, it's crazy.

I say hang in there. It's bound to improve...but right now it sucks. Having your parents telling you to get over it can't be helping much either. That is the single most unhelpful thing you can say to someone suffering, and it's really showing a lack of compassion and willingness to understand your position as well.

 

[Megan]

My state of mind started out with always thinking what I would do if my parents were to die and how much I would miss them, it was always like that @ night but I slept it off and would be cheerful in the mornings, but then the nights were always the same and I had some of episode on July 22, 2011...the eve or morning of my cousin's wedding. I don't know what I was feeling but I felt like I didn't know where I was.

Now I worry about everything that is new to me. I'm not used to having friends over and now in 2 months a friend is coming on vacation with me. I met her via letters/texts/internet. I feel like I'm two people because I can't talk to her in person but yet I can write everything in texts or letters. I feel like when she meets me she won't know who I am because I usually don't write about my problems in my letters usually just about my days, but now I just don't know what to write about because days don't seem exciting...even to myself. If they don't seem exciting or good enough to write about why would anybody want to read about it?

I just don't like any thing... I just feel like I'm bored all the time.
I am trying something new for mental health called alpha-stim. it cures depression/axiety/insomnia... So far I feel worse but people say it gets worse before it gets better. Which I don't believe...yet again I don't believe anything. :(