Wow...you sound exactly like me! I just got a job stocking shelves. I haven't had a job in a long time for fear of being around people. It's been difficult despite the fact I am alone stocking. I still have to interact in a small way, but it is intense in my mind. All I think of is when I will be done and get back home to my house where I will be safe. Its in the middle of the night too so nobody is really around but I'm still horrified.
Yet I have always wanted relationships with others. I have sought being closer to people but have not been able to trust enough to do that. I went into numerous professions to strengthen myself and I still never got that resilience where I could feel safe among others. I feel like I will not be able to say no if I am up against a wall psychologically. I have not been able to set boundaries for myself like I would like to. Physically I have no fear at all. I actually wish someone would try something so I could get the release of defending my physical body. I know that sounds weird, but I self injure a lot and I have a lot of hate towards others that I feel I could inflict if given the chance. My training has given me a lot of confidence, and even without that I don't care physically.
Anyway, I understand what you are saying. I'm a complete loner to the T myself. I am as introverted as they come and I end up drinking self injuring to escape the world at home. I do everything possible to escape the world. I want to be in the world but I am terrified of it.
