Weedflower
Learning
I have only recently started to grasp what it means to have PTSD. The main part of that being its permanence. I was only diagnosed officially 2-3 years ago, but at the time I thought that since I was so young, I could make it go away after some therapy. The therapy did indeed help a lot. But now I'm in college, and I'm realizing that I do not have a grasp on this as well as I thought I did.
I feel like I'm unraveling. Over the course of this past semester, I had at least two panic attacks every day. Nothing in particular even triggered them. I'd just be laying in bed or enjoying my shower and suddenly be overwhelmed by one. I thought it was just the stress from three things: the pressure of school, my first time driving alone, the fact that my boyfriend goes to a different college eight hours away, and that it's my first time living alone. But then I started having severe flashbacks. Worse than I have ever had in my life.
Tomorrow, I return to my therapist for the first time in two years. I feel devastated. Part of my trauma is having been falsely medicated, so I'm terrified that my therapist may recommend that I start taking medication to help manage the symptoms. I feel like I should be able to handle my problems on my own. It's possible to manage symptoms and combat triggers. So what am I doing wrong? Why have I suddenly gotten worse?
My boyfriend of three years broke down in tears when I told him I have to start seeing my therapist again because I feel like I'm losing my mind. He thinks that it's partly his fault somehow. But he has only helped me in so many ways. With him, I've been able to be more social and outgoing and he's even helped me become brave enough to start making new friends again. He is always supportive of me, no matter how difficult it often is for him to understand this disorder. I feel heartbroken that he thinks this is somehow his fault. How can I make him understand?
I have also come to realize how much I depend on my family and boyfriend to help me stay calm and panic-free. I wonder if part of why I have suddenly gotten worse is because I no longer have them to depend on at school. I no longer have my dad to reassure me about this or that, or my sister to hold me when I feel like I can't breathe, or my boyfriend to care for me when I feel sick and drained. I'm angry at myself for being so dependent on them. They must be so exhausted from always having to take care of me, and I've been so ignorant to that. I want to be able to manage my problems on my own, without depending on anyone but myself.
Lastly, I feel so much more angry now than ever before. When I would get angry before, I'd just take a few deep breaths and burst into tears and instead feel depressed. But now I just get angry. For no reason, with no triggers. And I stay angry. I still get bouts of depression sometimes, but now the sadness and anger are separate. I don't know how to deal with anger. Last Monday, I started the day by screaming at my brother and cussing him out and throwing a glass cereal bowl on the ground. I don't have a perfect relationship with my brother, but nothing he has ever done warranted such an extreme, abusive act from me. I don't want to be angry anymore. But I don't know how to deal with my anger.
If anyone has any advice, please help me.
I feel so lost.
I feel like I'm unraveling. Over the course of this past semester, I had at least two panic attacks every day. Nothing in particular even triggered them. I'd just be laying in bed or enjoying my shower and suddenly be overwhelmed by one. I thought it was just the stress from three things: the pressure of school, my first time driving alone, the fact that my boyfriend goes to a different college eight hours away, and that it's my first time living alone. But then I started having severe flashbacks. Worse than I have ever had in my life.
Tomorrow, I return to my therapist for the first time in two years. I feel devastated. Part of my trauma is having been falsely medicated, so I'm terrified that my therapist may recommend that I start taking medication to help manage the symptoms. I feel like I should be able to handle my problems on my own. It's possible to manage symptoms and combat triggers. So what am I doing wrong? Why have I suddenly gotten worse?
My boyfriend of three years broke down in tears when I told him I have to start seeing my therapist again because I feel like I'm losing my mind. He thinks that it's partly his fault somehow. But he has only helped me in so many ways. With him, I've been able to be more social and outgoing and he's even helped me become brave enough to start making new friends again. He is always supportive of me, no matter how difficult it often is for him to understand this disorder. I feel heartbroken that he thinks this is somehow his fault. How can I make him understand?
I have also come to realize how much I depend on my family and boyfriend to help me stay calm and panic-free. I wonder if part of why I have suddenly gotten worse is because I no longer have them to depend on at school. I no longer have my dad to reassure me about this or that, or my sister to hold me when I feel like I can't breathe, or my boyfriend to care for me when I feel sick and drained. I'm angry at myself for being so dependent on them. They must be so exhausted from always having to take care of me, and I've been so ignorant to that. I want to be able to manage my problems on my own, without depending on anyone but myself.
Lastly, I feel so much more angry now than ever before. When I would get angry before, I'd just take a few deep breaths and burst into tears and instead feel depressed. But now I just get angry. For no reason, with no triggers. And I stay angry. I still get bouts of depression sometimes, but now the sadness and anger are separate. I don't know how to deal with anger. Last Monday, I started the day by screaming at my brother and cussing him out and throwing a glass cereal bowl on the ground. I don't have a perfect relationship with my brother, but nothing he has ever done warranted such an extreme, abusive act from me. I don't want to be angry anymore. But I don't know how to deal with my anger.
If anyone has any advice, please help me.
I feel so lost.