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Sufferer Looking For A Way Up

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Weedflower

Learning
I have only recently started to grasp what it means to have PTSD. The main part of that being its permanence. I was only diagnosed officially 2-3 years ago, but at the time I thought that since I was so young, I could make it go away after some therapy. The therapy did indeed help a lot. But now I'm in college, and I'm realizing that I do not have a grasp on this as well as I thought I did.

I feel like I'm unraveling. Over the course of this past semester, I had at least two panic attacks every day. Nothing in particular even triggered them. I'd just be laying in bed or enjoying my shower and suddenly be overwhelmed by one. I thought it was just the stress from three things: the pressure of school, my first time driving alone, the fact that my boyfriend goes to a different college eight hours away, and that it's my first time living alone. But then I started having severe flashbacks. Worse than I have ever had in my life.

Tomorrow, I return to my therapist for the first time in two years. I feel devastated. Part of my trauma is having been falsely medicated, so I'm terrified that my therapist may recommend that I start taking medication to help manage the symptoms. I feel like I should be able to handle my problems on my own. It's possible to manage symptoms and combat triggers. So what am I doing wrong? Why have I suddenly gotten worse?

My boyfriend of three years broke down in tears when I told him I have to start seeing my therapist again because I feel like I'm losing my mind. He thinks that it's partly his fault somehow. But he has only helped me in so many ways. With him, I've been able to be more social and outgoing and he's even helped me become brave enough to start making new friends again. He is always supportive of me, no matter how difficult it often is for him to understand this disorder. I feel heartbroken that he thinks this is somehow his fault. How can I make him understand?

I have also come to realize how much I depend on my family and boyfriend to help me stay calm and panic-free. I wonder if part of why I have suddenly gotten worse is because I no longer have them to depend on at school. I no longer have my dad to reassure me about this or that, or my sister to hold me when I feel like I can't breathe, or my boyfriend to care for me when I feel sick and drained. I'm angry at myself for being so dependent on them. They must be so exhausted from always having to take care of me, and I've been so ignorant to that. I want to be able to manage my problems on my own, without depending on anyone but myself.

Lastly, I feel so much more angry now than ever before. When I would get angry before, I'd just take a few deep breaths and burst into tears and instead feel depressed. But now I just get angry. For no reason, with no triggers. And I stay angry. I still get bouts of depression sometimes, but now the sadness and anger are separate. I don't know how to deal with anger. Last Monday, I started the day by screaming at my brother and cussing him out and throwing a glass cereal bowl on the ground. I don't have a perfect relationship with my brother, but nothing he has ever done warranted such an extreme, abusive act from me. I don't want to be angry anymore. But I don't know how to deal with my anger.

If anyone has any advice, please help me.

I feel so lost.
 
I'm brand new here and very new at dealing with even knowing I have real PTSD, so sorry I have no advice yet, but I can tell you I feel the EXACT same way and have so much anger myself, I do not know how to deal with anything! Just wanted to say you are not alone in any of what you just shared - I always get so angry at my brother and cannot stop for some reason?! You are lucky though, being so young and facing all of this!:) My gang rape happened 15 years ago (I'm 42 now) and feel like I have lost a decade and a half of my life sadly. Hugs
 
Thank you for such support!

I don't think what I have experienced is nearly as bad as what you just told me. My heart goes out to you.

May we both find the peace we are looking for. :)
 
Welcome to the forum.

I suppose there are all kinds of things to say or advice to give however, for now I would suggest yes, take a breath and stop blaming yourself for whatever you feel you're doing wrong.

Perhaps you have been able to manage symptoms well on your own for quite a while, however I think most of what you suggested has combined like a giant snowball. Puts you over the top.

There is no shame in seeking out help to get you back on track. You'll also learn some valuable coping tools to help you deal with all this mess.

My heart really feels for you. Please keep posting.
 
Congratulations on starting your diary. How did the therapy appointment go? A lot of times we have to be in a "safe" enough space to experience anger... otherwise it is about imminent threat/danger/survival. It is good that you are experiencing a gap... between the two (sadness and anger).
 
Congratulations on starting your diary. How did the therapy appointment go? A lot of times we ha...
I haven't gone to the appointment yet. It's later today. I hope it goes well.

I liked it better when my anger dissolved into sadness. I think depression is easier to control.

I guess we'll see.
 
In treatment I think I would suggest when you're ready, if your shrink consents to have your boyfriend be present for a couple sessions to understand that what you are going through is not necessarily a failing on his part... but is important therapeutic work?
 
In treatment I think I would suggest when you're ready, if your shrink consents to have your boyfr...
I think my therapist would think that's a good idea. But I've had bad experiences with group therapy. I don't do well with it. Another piece of my trauma. I'm hoping there's a way I can get him to understand without having to do that. Plus I think group sessions means he would have to pay as well, and he has no money. Thank you for the suggestions.
 
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