Relationship Love And Ptsd... Is It Possible?

[143blue]

Grateful for any advise, suggestions or any positive input on my situation. I apologize in advance for the length of my story, but I feel like I need to vent and release all that has been slowly consuming me silently from the inside.
The love of my life, We meet in elementary school. We spent most of our middle school years together. Even back then he had my heart. Through events out of my control I had to move away and we lost touch for almost 16 years. We both led different lives, had relationships and children. But through out all those years I never stop thinking of him or searching for him.
It wasn't until 2014 that everything came to light. He spilled out his heart to me and I to him. It was completely insanely the most happiest time of my life. I have never been more certain about anything else in my life than the fact that he is, has been and will always be the one for me forever.
He is the army, going on 12 years. He has been through so much that I could never relate to or completely understand. He was deployed at the time we reconnected. We talked every moment we could. When he came home and we finally saw each other again after so many years I never wanted to let him go. We planned out our future together, family, marriage, everything.
Everything was all I ever hoped it would be. Until about 2 weeks ago. Something happened and he completely changed. He's numb and emotionless. He cut everyone off, pushed me away. He said that he couldn't be in a relationship or anything serious. That he was questioning everything, himself... I was and am crushed. He said that his feeling for me are real but if that is true how could he just cut me off so suddenly. How could he changed his mind about all our future plans over night. He said it's like he's two different people. When he is next to me he's this other man who wants to do anything to make me smile, a man who can just be himself.. he can just be Blue, but away from me, he's just a soldier. I love him so much and I feel so helpless to help him, nor does he want my help. He said he never wanted me to see that side of him because it wasn't who he really is. He beats himself up for hurting me. I just want him to be happy even if it's not with me. I just don't know how to stop his pain. He has never admitted to having PTSD, but does say he needs to fix himself because he is not a good man for all he has done in war and now he's even saying the real him isn't a good man for hurting me. That I deserve way better than him, but he is all I have ever wanted.. He has flashbacks and nightmares about his experiences. I don't know what to do.
We are talking now as friends I guess, I try to be upbeat, and sound happy whenever we speak. even though inside I'm falling apart. I never say that I understand what he is going through because I haven't been to war, so how could I possibly know what he is going through. I try to point out the positive in him and in the things he is doing to heal himself, seeking help through therapy. But his responses to everything are very short and generalized. He use to be so open and assertive. Full of confidence. Now he's so closed off and distant. I love him enough to do whatever, be whatever he needs right now.. friend or partner.. through what I know will be a very long road to him being ok or having some control over his "soldier" mode, as he calls it.
So I'm wondering, what I could do to help him? What I should do? What should I avoid doing or saying? Is there hope is a future with him? Would it be better for him if I just let him go?

 

[RedAnther]

I don't think it would help him if you just let go.

Maybe he's ashamed of what he's done and feels like he can't confide in you because he doesn't want his life to change. Maybe he doesn't want that part of himself to leak into other parts of his life. But it seems like it's already doing that. Sit down with him, get a movie, comfort food all of that ready and tell him to trust you. Don't try to appear happy if you're falling apart. Just try to set aside a quiet hour you can have with him, something that makes him feel safe. You don't need to smile and fake happiness for him.
Maybe lay off the counseling bit with pointing out his positive traits and just listen if he's putting himself down. He's trying to punish himself. Don't try to fix him but let him know you're there for him and won't brush over his problems. Spend some quiet time with him every week and maybe ask him directly what can you do to help or make things easier. Maybe suggest to attend a counseling session with him if he feels comfortable with that.

I think a future with him is very possible. Don't let go.

I don't know if any of that really made sense, sorry if it sounds rude or harsh. I hope you guys can find happiness together.

 

[RussH]

Yes there is a future with him, but the first thing he needs to do is realize he cannot fix himself without help. He needs to see a therapist, he needs to get a confirmation that he has PTSD, then start treatment to reconcile his memories.

He should also learn some coping mechanism for the PTSD

Pushing people away,and shutting down is fairly common with people who have PTSD, but it can be overcome.

 

[Ketamine Dreams]

It can be such a cruel disease in that it can reduce the ability to love others, and to want to be loved by others. Some people do well with treatment, and that needs to be optimized for awhile before you can say for sure what your future, if any, with him holds.

The main issue is how long do you allow for treatment to last before you make that call. Right now it doesn't sound like he is anywhere near the person he used to be, or that you need him to be, to have a meaningful, and fulfilling relationship with.

 

[Sighs]

Yes, a relationship is possible BUT it will not be easy. He will have to work really hard on his symptoms (which may be very difficult if he is still in the Army). And you will have to give up the idea that "one day" he will be the man you used to know again.

 

[lmizutani]

I agree with Sighs. It will be a long road for that matter. When my boyfriend had told me he had PTSD, I had known that it would be a very long road ahead. He already had (and still sees) his counsellor/therapist. He had a medical support network set up. Psychiatrist, nurse, community service worker, family doctor.

One thing that he found in me was safety. For someone who grew up in an abusive, chaotic household, that is something that the child in him never had. I just allow him to bring up whatever and just listen. He ends up being the one who wants my opinion on such and such - which I will give him but I would not complain if he does not agree with said opinion.

I also think it may be a good idea to have your own support network. Even if some of those people are a part of his support network, you can include some of your very close friends who may not understand but will allow you to just be. In doing so, you can just "be" for your love. What that would look like, I could not tell you. For me it simply is allowing him to be himself and accept him for himself. I see glimpses of the man he wishes he could be for me.

Now all of the above is simply my own opinion and like they say in my support group, "take what you need and leave the rest."