It has bothered me deeply in recent months to realise my memory really isn't what it used to be. The fact that my memory used to be excellent, to the extent that I was quite well renowned for it, has somehow made this situation worse and more distressing to me.
I suppose it's not large scale, it isn't to the point at which most people would even notice I suppose, but I notice. Can't remember phone numbers or names anymore, can't remember the content of work tasks that once upon a time I could call to mind in an instant, worry that someone will ask me the answer to a question I won't be able to grasp, and probably most disturbingly for me, I feel as though I'll be in the middle of a conversation, mid sentence, and suddenly I just can't find the word I'm looking for to continue and find myself grappling around stupidly and inarticulately with the concept in my mind and the words a long way away from my tongue. It scares me, makes me catastrophise easily and significantly and feel as though my actual IQ is diminishing or as though my level of impairment is just going to continue to increase to a point at which it will be obvious to everyone and I won't be able to function normally anymore... whatever that means. In my case I need to accept that chronic sleep deprivation is at least a partial cause, and I know that depression, from which I also suffer significantly, is also highly correllated with memory issues and difficulties in concentrating, decision making and other higher level cognitive processing, but somehow knowing all that doesn't make it feel any better.
Maddog
