Supporter Mother Of 9yr Old Diagnosed With Ptsd- And Still Exposed To Trauma

[Lucycat]

Hi and welcome. I am confused. What is the actual involvement of the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) if they are doubting whether any criminal activity has taken place. They usually make orders after a trial rather than before.

 

[digger]

What is the actual involvement of the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) .

I wondered this too, but re-reading, i think, and I'm only guessing from other terms used, that the poster isn't from UK, so CPS stands for something else.

Some clarification would be helpful.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think CPS is 'Child Protective Services'.

 

[scout86]

If she's in the US, it's "child protective services". And they vary wildly in how "protective" they are.

Mama bear, I don't blame you for being mad at me. I said what I said based on my own experiences with accomplished liars. From the outside, it's VERY hard to know the truth. Your concern seems to be 100% with your daughter, not with bashing your ex, and that's usually the sign of someone who's telling the truth in these kinds of cases.

So, HAVE they told you what kind of "proof" they'd accept? Don't know where you live, of course, so I have no idea what's available in your area. There are sometimes support groups for victims of domestic violence (your daughter surely counts as a victim of that!). I guess I'd start checking out ANY similar kind of support group in the area & see if they can at least point you in the right direction. I would think some of them know the system and know the available legal resources. There might be some kind of legal aid through your county, but also, many attorneys donate their time for a certain amount of pro bono work. Perhaps there's one in your area who has experience in family court that would be willing to do that. Or who will let you make payments, because I think a GOOD lawyer is going to be a valuable asset.

Obviously, the other option is for you and the kids to disappear and start over somewhere else. That's got it's own set of complications, some of them probably legal. If I was in your situation and had truly tried everything else I could come up with, I'd leave and head for the least obvious place I could think of. I'd rather live in a box under a bridge than see a kid deal with the situation you're describing for your daughter.

 

[BloomInWinter]

If it was me, I'd take it to a reporter or social media.

Public shaming of irresponsible public agencies sometimes can move their supervisors into taking action. As long as you make it clear that you are willing to testify under oath as to your words, the abuser will find himself feeling defensive and wanting it to go away...though he may drag you to court, it would be unlikely he'd actually want to risk the public knowing about the accusation.

Don't give up. He counts on your silence and fear. Be willing to tell everyone in your circle. Alert her teachers, her doctor, all your relatives, and any other mandated reporters in your daughter's life so they are also on alert to monitor the situation. I'd also try to find a trustworthy, caring neighbor in his neighborhood who you can give your number to, and who can watch for trouble.

The more he thinks he's being watched, the harder it will be for him to hold it together to enable him to have private access to her. If all else fails, if there's any way a recording device can be set up to go with her, and there's evidence, put it up on YouTube - protecting her identity - and let the outrage spread so advocates can come to your aid and apply pressure to those agencies.

In the states, we've been seeing some great success n bringing justice to what before would have just been another hopeless case. There are many of us out there willing to make calls and write letters to the authorities to apply pressure.

Chances are, he's done this before. If you are aware of any relatives who won't support him, you might be able to enlist their aid.

I believe you. There are far too many situations like this out there. It's not uncommon, sadly. You don't have to get everyone to believe you. Just planting a seed of doubt in people's minds will have far more people monitoring the situation and he will be far more likely to get caught. Perhaps he'll be worried enough that he will stop.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Momabear,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

I am sorry that your daughter is experiencing this, and I hate reading about another child having to suffer through this. What I am going to write is pretty blunt, as I went through a very similar scenario with my own children and my ex. First of all this is a crime, and I mean you need to report it to the police. It is NOT a civil matter.

Once it is reported to the police, they will interview your daughter or outsource it to a mental health professional that is very experienced in conducting these interviews. You have every right to ask and be persistent in checking the qualifications of the interviewer. Yes, Child Protective Services will be contacted and emergency measure will be put into place that supersede the civil visitation order. That eliminates you being in violation and subject to contempt charges, while protecting your daughter from further exposure.

Cooperate with the investigation and it will be hard on your daughter. I will not say this is any type of cake walk, but those that abuse children don't quit. Also, take advantage of any referrals or services offered as you daughter will need counseling. Make sure she gets counseling and also get some counseling for yourself as mothering a child that has been sexually abused can be emotionally exhausting, but you are her main support and you have to be there for her.

I would seriously think carefully before involving any media. After the jury handed down my ex's sentence there was a media frenzy and my daughters had to leave and go into hiding to keep the media away. I spent many hours on the phone calling off the reporters and news crews as this was very private and they had already had enough. If I read correctly, your daughter is only 9 and the stress of everything else may be all that she can handle.

I am shocked that CPS or your attorney did not advise you of this to start with. This isn't a civil matter, it is criminal.

I wish both of you the best.

Debbie

 

[Mamabear73]

Note: I have been working on this respose for the past couple of days, as I can ,from my phone. Thanks to those who have helped answer questions in the mean time. We live in the coastal region of North Carolina, US. *Scout, I know I wasn't really angry at you, but mostly the situation. I hope you realize that & I do apologize for being bitter .

I want to respond to all of your questions, clarify some things...

We live in the US ( southeastern US specifically) and CPS stands for Child Protective Services. In our county, when a report is made( and there have been many) whomever is on "the rotation" comes to the home where the child lives, make sure the living environment is up to par (sanitation, provisions&food, fire alarms working, etc) and interviews each of the family members alone( for 15-20 minutes). We have have met with five such strangers in the past year. I myself have made only one report , last November. She is always found "safe" here, but the emotional toll on my daughter by hard to bear. It seems like their involvment makes things somewhat worse on her. We soon found out that both parents must be made aware of a report within 24hrs. Their first intervention last year was while on a visit with her father at her granny's .

After the caseworker left, this little girl was left alone to be interrogated by him & his enabling mother & sister. Granny then told my child " if you love your dad you will protect him, or he will go to jail and we will never see him again". My sweet daughter will (sometimes)tell you " I love my dad I just hate the bad things he does". She has expressed that she wants him to stop, she doesn't want him punished. Other times ( in rare fits of rage) she has wanted him dead. Talking about her abuse causes her physical stomach pain & nausea. Sometimes she will start talking about it , in an abrupt gush, then bottles back up as quickly as it began. Seldom will she answer a question during these episodes(& any other time it is futile & perhaps even harmful to try). It is like waiting for a guyser to erupt-except with NO idea of when it will happen again. I am thankful that after years to the contrary, she has just begun to allow a few others a glimpse. I know that we need to press criminal charges, but she is truly the only witness to these crimes ( who was present, atleast), and until she is ready to talk to the police, what can I do?

She has (within the past year)told me, "he did it when I was 8, 7, 6, 5, 4..." She has not been raped. She has been touched inappropriately for a number of years under the guise of bathing, horseplay, tickling .....

There is more, but can anyone tell me if I might be jeopardizing our case by sharing details now, before our trial? The thought just occurred to me...

 

[intothelight]

She is a minor, you need to report it to the police. It is criminal and if someone else reports it you may find yourself in trouble. I am sorry but to me this isn't something she gets to choose. She is a child and you need to protect her and do what is right. It is very hard, but there is really good help and support out there.

I know it is scary, but you do need to act. There are people who will help you and your daughter through this process. Getting support has no bearing on any potential trial.

 

[Mamabear73]

There are other questions I can answer until I am reassured of my last concern.

We did have an attorney for the (original) custody trial. He did very little. The legal jurisdiction of our case & the crimes, is nearly five hours from from our home. That is also where visits take place.

I tried unsuccessfully, multiple times with legal aid & to find an attorney pro-bono. The father pressed contempt charges , ONLY after his family found out that visits had stopped. Because these charges against me ( for not making her go to visit him) are potentially criminal, I was assigned a court appointed attorney. Early last year sometime, my daughter disclosed the abuse to my mother. Before that , it had been to difficult to believe( she grew up with a physically abusive father). My parents then helped to find another attorney. He was able to set in motion an agreement for supervised visits. However, in August he was stopped from practicing law by the State Bar, for misconduct from 2011. He represented us for about 3 months, and the cost of over $20 thousand. We now have a very reputable attorney from a well respected firm. But being able to continue to pay for these services is a very real concern. My child's father is represented by a high-powered attorney from the area... Who just so happens to be engaged to his uncle.

I have considered many times going to the media... I imagine begging for help from Joyce Meyer or Oprah or Nancy Grace.... But I always stop short when I consider the long run, the after effect on my child if her very private, very personal problem was to be displayed publicly. She has to live her life beyond this.

Makes me think of what character John Coffey said in The Green Mile..."He kills them with they own love...they own love for each other...that's how it is every day all over the world"

 

[Mamabear73]

Hello Intothelight
It isn't a matter of letting her choose, it has been a matter of whether she will talk to the authorities. It has been my understanding and experience that anything she tells me, that I report, is here say (spelling?) . Will they look into a report if she is not able to talk to them?
She did disclose details to her 23 yr old half sister during a visit over the holidays(her fathers other daughter, who was home from Europe -her husband is military).
Thank you for the advice.

 

[scout86]

You don't owe me an apology, really you don't. But, if you want, apology accepted anyhow.

Well, you're probably not living in the "best" part of the country to be dealing with this.

I don't know how much laws vary between states. Where I live, her therapist is a "mandated reporter" and HAS to report this to the authorities, regardless of confidentiality. So do teachers and, I believe clergy. The people who are mandated to report child abuse probably vary from state to state. Actually, I just looked this up and here's a link to a US Dept of Health & Human Services document. (I hope I did this right, I've never tried it before!) If I'm reading it right and it's not outdated her therapist needs to report this.
[DLMURL]https://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statutes/manda.pdf[/DLMURL]

I like the going to the media idea. Not something I would have thought of myself, because I haven't had a lot of experience with asking for help and actually getting it. Have there been any similar cases in your area that became public and had a good outcome? (Trying to think of places you could go for help & advice.) If you DO try the major media (Dr Phil or what ever) I'd make it clear that you're concerned for the welfare of your daughter and don't want her to be exploited by the media and to become a public spectacle. And, if you're going to do that, probably "sooner" rather than "later" because I don't know how fast they get on things.

I don't think we need any more details here, to get where you're coming from. I THINK (and I'm not a lawyer) that the main thing you need to be careful of yourself, is what you say to your daughter. For example, anything that, on the witness stand, the defense lawyer can say "Did your mom tell you to say that?" is a potential issue. Obviously, they are going to try to make it look like you're making this up, as their easiest defense.

My therapist tells me that it's good to take time and think things through and picture various ways of dealing with problems in my head BEFORE I do something. Then he says" "I'd appreciate it if you avoided those solutions that involve the use of firearms." And I say "Darn!" LOL So, I'm kind of out of legal ideas. Sorry!

Trying to put myself in the place of your daughter isn't too hard. I've been thinking about what might I have wanted, that you can actually give her. It would have helped to know that someone believed me and cared. It would have helped to know that they were trying to do something, even if it didn't work. Getting things "fixed" is, obviously, the first choice. Knowing someone cares enough to try, it seems to me, is almost as important. You can at least give her that, for now, even if it's not the most you'd like to do. You're probably already doing that.

Maybe someone will drop in to this conversation who's been through this and has some good ideas for you. I hope so!

 

[Mamabear73]

Among many others Ive contacted, I did call the victim advocate at the courthouse there(court&law enforcement jurisdiction is where he lives). She told me there was nothing she could do to help us. She also discouraged my going to the police (my daughter had not disclosed as much at that time.).I can't help but wonder if this was affected by the fact that the father is a town commissioner . He is very much affiliated with county officials there through his work and in a position where he makes financial deals ( he works for family. They are the largest & one of the only providers of water system supplies in that area, i.e. fire hydrants, pipelines, etc). When we were together he regularly sold large contracts to the regions city's , towns, big business's , plumbers, farmers, the State Zoo and out of state. Even then, he would tell me of exchanging substantial discounts for personal favors ( without his boss/brotherinlaw's knowledge of course). Through these connections he was able to regain his drivers license, after it had been permanantly revoked years ago. It is a multimillion dollar business with fewer than 10 employees, and most are family. To my knowledge, all but one of these men have been in serious trouble with the law( from embezzlement to statutory rape).
I am a stay at home mom, native of a very rural county at the other end of the state.