Moving On After The End Of A Relationship

[Nicolette]

I started a thread in the Private Carer's section titled "The Games Played" to discuss the frustrations being endured due to the 'games' being played by an ex-partner causing my partner ill health. My focus was on the resulting sickness the situation was causing my partner and the concern I had but it seems I opened a can of worms.

I am sure many people here on the forum have had more than one relationship and have had experiences with situations with ex-partners being disgruntled with their new relationship.

While I cannot write speciifics here of what was said to me in the private section I would like to bring up the topic and get people's points of view to what was raised.

The conversation in the private area went along the lines that an ex-partner (whether they left or not) had a right to be upset with their former partner for moving on with their life into new relationships if the period of time from separation was less than 12 months. I also understood that this also inferred that if the partner was a PTSD suffer and the treatment from their ex (due to being angry or jealous) made them ill it was still acceptable if within the 12 month time frame. It was also suggested if children were involved the partner who had moved on should be focusing on repairing relationships with their children (even if they had no control over the relationship eg. were not allowed to see the children) rather than having a partner. I perceived another point in the conversation to allude to the parents of the broken relationship coming together on special occasions without their current family so as to create a situation for the children to be happy about as they only had mum and dad there.

I was most offended by some of this conversation based on my situation and would like to hear what other people think.

 

[Marlene]

I've heard that 12-month rule before. Honestly, I think it's bunk. I started going out with my husband just a couple of weeks after breaking up with a real nasty piece of work (emotional abuse). My husband and I got engaged after two weeks, married after four months and tomorrow is my 21st anniversary.

Everyone and every relationship is as unique as the people involved in it. It's not the time length involved, but the people and their committment that's the most important. That's just my opinon. People view their relationships through their own judgements, predjudices, experiences and upbringings. They also view other people's relationships through the same lenses. And if someone has a relationship that's out of their 'norm', then it's jugded as weird or defective or bad.

Personally I say screw 'em. If it works, for whatever set of reasons that it does, and the partners are happy with the relationship, then blow off the rest of the world and just enjoy. If it doesn't work, for again, whatever set of reasons that it doesn't, then it's time to move on for both people involved to try and find happiness elsewhere.

Throughout my 21 years with my husband, I've had numerous people tell me for a great number of reasons (i.e. we were too young, too different, had children too early, military marriages don't work, men can't stay faithful...blah, blah, blah, the list goes on and on) that our marriage wouldn't work. We usually have a good laugh about the latest ones on our anniversary.

Don't worry about what the rest of the world thinks...they're more ****ed up than you think!!! Someone's always going to try and find a way to sink your ship...especially if you're happy with your relationship and they're not in theirs.

Anyway...that's just my opinion from the cheap seats.

Lisa

 

[madjon]

relationship ends come in many forms, it can be a bit of a bummer for a couple of days if they find someone quickly but end of the day its their life, and you have to get on with yours and live your life, and get on with things, accrimony only brings bad things, have seen lots of bad feelings between people and kids are often used as a weapon to beat people with, when you split get over it and dont use kids as a weapon, they have nothing to do with the relation between two adults, they get hurt by lots of unneccesary accrimony and squabbling etc, and shouldnt be hurt because one parent doesnt get on with the other.

ex partners who cause trouble is something else,

 

[2quilt]

I of course, am walking into the middle of the movie, but I agree with Marlene.

 

[becvan]

An ex is an ex. As in the past. No ex, whether there are children or not, has the right to put time constraints on a previous partner for moving on. Frankly, it's none of their business. I think it is rather arrogant and conceited of an ex to do so and it speaks a lot to some of the issues that were in that relationship. Since when does an ex "own" their previous partner.

None of this behavior eluded to is acceptable by any standard. Any ex behaving in this way, has crossed a boundary. Also using the children as a weapon to force the previous partner to conform is not only dirty, but not in the best interests of the children. Any person who thinks this is okay needs to seek professional help immediately.

If I want to move on, from a previous relationship, the next day, that is my right. An ex throwing hissy fits and using children and PTSD as an excuse for such poor behavior is not going to stop me.

It's rather pathetic that this conversation even has to take place. They say we are sick with PTSD? Hell these people should go take a long hard look in the mirror as they have some major issues.

bec

 

[Deleted member 93]

Hell these people should go take a long hard look in the mirror as they have some major issues.

Bec nailed it there. First it is none of the ex's damn business what their ex is doing. I have heard 12 months if your spouse died, still I think a load of shit.

And oh for the kids. Please, give me a break. Way too many exs delight in making us sicker using our children as pawns in a messed up game. I sure as hell know this as fact right now.

And oh my how damaging to the kids to see mommy or daddy HAPPY compared to fighting with their ex. Tell them to blow it out their ass as apparently that is where their head is...

 

[Deleted member 541]

Divorce isn't pleasant. Both have had much invested in the relationship, but as the saying goes," Nothing last forever."

I don't know what was said to you in the carers section, but can only guess that the response was more about that persons issue dealing with the subject, more than it was about you. Try not to take it to personally. Furthermore it's really none of anyones business how someone acts after the relationship has ended. It's ended..........

Hopefully the "EX" will wake up one morning real soon and discover that her tactics , and behavior are not only hurting your partner, but the children also. Maybe this person will actually develop compassion in the process. One can only hope.

I do hope that this will be resolved quickly for all of you. Thoughts are with you both.

 

[Deleted member 487]

Your life, your call. Ex don't like it? WAH! Too bad. Your life, not theirs. If they don't like it that you found someone else, then perhaps they should find themselves someone else.

 

[batgirl]

Umm hello, this is the 21st century, not the 19th. People need to get with it. I don't know anyone who purposely waits a year in between relationships. That sounds like something my Gran would do. ;) It's hard to find a good partner so why walk away when you find one, based soley on a Victorian ideal? Not to mention, it really is no one's business.

 

[anthony]

What I find interesting about this, is that this topic was discussed in private, and whilst I don't personally care if people talk about me or not behind my back and not say something to me, I am curious as to how any one person believes it their right to know my personal life. What we share is a choice we make, what we don't share is a choice we make. If someone is asking for help, then the best choice is to be completely open and honest and not leave anything out, because sometimes the little details are what makes the biggest difference.

Though when we are talking about anothers life in general, what they do, how they do it, is it right or wrong, I am a little confused as how that becomes opinion! Personal opinion is valued here, however; personal opinion is not about attacking another, it is merely about making a short statement that is not referenced to any one person. An opinion is a statement... ie. I believe that if your marriage breaks down, then a person should have a minimum 12 month break before entering the dating scene.

That is an opinion, not: He is wrong for dating you or anyone else when he just came out of a relationship.

That is no longer an opinion, that is partly your opinion mixed with a personal attack. BIG DIFFERENCE.

If anyone wants to know my personal circumstances, then they are free to ask me directly, but if you choose to talk about something you have no idea about, then that is just stupidity IMHO. That is the same as asking me about what happened, and then only taking what I have said, and not asking Kerrie also. Again though, who's right is it to even be involved in the first place if your not part of my life? None here that I can think apart from Nicolette.

It amazes me how people confuse their situations with another's, especially the hate and spite. This sounds to me that a carer has been hurt, so they now want to punish any sufferer who has seperated from their partner, tar them all with the same brush so to speak. That's like saying; this relationship broke down because he cheated on her, so let me compare it to this relationship that broke down where she used to physically abuse him, or he used to physically abuse her.... no two relationships can be compared. Every relationship is different.

Interesting the mindset though, and I do hope this carer does get the counselling they require to help them move past some of the pain they currently carry and inflict the world around them with at present in an attempt to help them justify their anger.

 

[Deleted member 487]

What I find interesting about this, is that this topic was discussed in private, and whilst I don't personally care if people talk about me or not behind my back and not say something to me, I am curious as to how any one person believes it their right to know my personal life.

Anthony, I consider you a good friend, though via internet only, and I will never pry into any part of your life that you want kept private. I respect that part of everyone, enemies and friends alike. People that cannot respect that of anyone truly needs to get a life. Once one becomes entranced with the details and goings on of their own life they will find no time nor desire to become entangled in the same of others.

Though when we are talking about anothers life in general, what they do, how they do it, is it right or wrong, I am a little confused as how that becomes opinion!

People really have no right to judge or become opinionated in the happening and personal affairs of others. It is offensive and intrusive.

Personal opinion is valued here, however; personal opinion is not about attacking another, it is merely about making a short statement that is not referenced to any one person. An opinion is a statement... ie. I believe that if your marriage breaks down, then a person should have a minimum 12 month break before entering the dating scene.

That is an opinion, not: He is wrong for dating you or anyone else when he just came out of a relationship.

That is no longer an opinion, that is partly your opinion mixed with a personal attack. BIG DIFFERENCE.

To each their own. If you Anthony want to wait a year, then do so. I will not judge you for that, but I certainly will respect you for it.

If anyone wants to know my personal circumstances, then they are free to ask me directly, but if you choose to talk about something you have no idea about, then that is just stupidity IMHO. That is the same as asking me about what happened, and then only taking what I have said, and not asking Kerrie also. Again though, who's right is it to even be involved in the first place if your not part of my life? None here that I can think apart from Nicolette.

Exactly. I know only what you are willing to share. I just hope to someday help you as you have helped me.

It amazes me how people confuse their situations with another's, especially the hate and spite. This sounds to me that a carer has been hurt, so they now want to punish any sufferer who has seperated from their partner, tar them all with the same brush so to speak. That's like saying; this relationship broke down because he cheated on her, so let me compare it to this relationship that broke down where she used to physically abuse him, or he used to physically abuse her.... no two relationships can be compared. Every relationship is different.

Abuse is never right.

I came across a poem a friend wrote, and I could envision how I felt it may help some people in this forum, but until now I just couldn't find the place for it. Sometimes you can't just post a poem, there has to be a cause, a reason, a purpose. And now I feel I found it. I feel it is very pertanant to this situation.

Since I don't have his permission to put it here, I am PM'ing it to you Anthony. I think you will like it.
C

 

[Jim]

Bottom line - your life, nobody's business. End of story.

Jim.