Relationship My First Experience With Ptsd ... Advice??

[Rocket_fff]

Hi all,

I am a new "carer" and have found this website and boy am I ever glad I did. The support here is second to none. The care you all have for people that are going through this and support you give is absolutely amazing.

Nicolette, you are truly an amazing, caring person and have so much advice to give to people like me.

My Story so far

So, here goes……

I met an amazing "soldier" about 4 1/2 months ago and we connected very quickly with amazing communication. Let me also say and this may be better for him than me but, we are trying to survive a long distance relationship which is a challenge in itself but, he also had been diagnosed about a year and half ago with severe PTSD. This is a result of 2 tours in Afganistan and the second being in 2006 with catastrophic events happening including 4 of his "brothers" killed in front of him in a "fire".

So far in our relationship he has seemed mostly connected with me and since he had told me in the beginning about his disorder he seemed to be really doing well with it. I had yet to experience what he and I are going through right now with it.

About 2 weeks ago he suddenly became "detached" and before this he was always telling me he missed me, loved me, called me babe on every email and text and he really enjoyed spending every minute he could with me. He has told me all along during this period that he was not quite feeling himself, wanted to be alone, not feeling "the love" as he could only think bad thoughts. In the last few days the communication has gone to almost none with him and it is really hard for me to "hold the faith". As I said this is the first experience I have had and finding this website has proven to be very helpful for me because I can now see that this is all "normal" as normal can be for dealing with a PTSD sufferer.

I have realised through this website that I can no longer be selfish in this relationship as far as spending time with him and my feelings as far as us not having the connection and having time together as he needs to work against his internal "monster" to get through it and needs to do this on his own. He is in treatment and seeing a therapist and he had told me last night on email that "

"""""about my appt... It could have been better. I brought him up to speed on everything I've been feeling and his responses were not what I wanted to hear." I responded with "I am sorry your appt did not go as you had hoped sweetheart. I know that you really need that support from Peter but, hun keep in mind he can't ALWAYS say exactly what you want to hear cause he is not in your head to know how severe the episode is and exactly how this one is affecting you. Don't close off to that part of your therapy, it's really important and he has helped you tremendously along the way, I know you know that dear."""""""

I guess I am here to get some suggestions on what I should do. I am hoping that this episode doesn't last much longer and I also know that it is beyond his control right now but, it doesn't change that this is really overwhelming for me as I am a natural nuturer and just wanna help him and I know this CAN NOT be done for this so makes it much harder for me.

Thanks so much for reading and in advance for any suggestions and/or advice.

Sincerely

My First Time

<E-Mail exert edited for readability by Amethist>

 

[amethist]

Hi Rocket

Welcome to the forum, and the supporters side of the fence.

It is sometime really difficult to know what to do for the best. Whether to keep sending them messages of support or just wait until they contact you. Reading what you have posted above, I would keep all messages, text e-mails very short and light hearted. Be prepared for no response to them, or not sending any text or e-mail messages at all for a while, unless he contacts you first.

Any relationship involving PTSD, whether long distance like yours, close by or married, is extremely difficult for many sufferers to keep going with. Not because they dont want to, but because it puts too much stress onto them, when they are having to deal with so many issues in their own heads, which we as supporters can never ever understand, no matter how much we try.

So the less pressure we put on them, the easier it is for them to be still there in some part.

While he is trying his best to deal with what ever he has to deal with, build up a good solid support system for yourself. Being here is a good one, as we understand a lot of how you will feel and how this could effect you. Keep your own friends, to chat and have fun with, away from your PTSD relationship, sharing some of your feelings with only the closest and strongest of them. Even the closest of friends and family can struggle to understand what is going on, so just telling them the very basics maybe a lot easier in the long term.

Let him "Fix himself", while you be there to listen and support while he does this.

Take care and look after yourself, it is important.

Amethist

 

[Rocket_fff]

Thank you so much for the fast response Amethist and sorry I just couldn't think of your name when I was posting however you also provide an amazing "shoulder" with awesome advice.

I actually just got an email from my "sufferer" now and he has told me things have really escalated for him between last night and this morning. He has found himself now at the base hospital with an on-site mental health care worker and he says that they are likely going to change his meds and tell him what he should and shouldn't do in the next week.

I really think I am going to need the support here in the coming days or weeks. Also, what you said about strongest friends and family as support, this can't be more true. I have one friend in particular that does not understand at all and thinks "he needs to just get over it already" and the same for my mom. So, I do have a very good friend who I talk to about it and she gets it but, I don't really want to burden her with this either but, I do need someone to talk to. Here is good. Thank you so much.

I really love this man and want more than anything for things to work with us but, most of all for him and his well being. We have communicated so much through this and I know I need to step back a bit and let him come to me.

The other thing is it's my birthday this weekend and was really looking forward to seeing him for that and he had been invited to come to my parents for supper and I need to know some suggestions for what to say to them as to why he is not there. Maybe just saying he is sick and just couldn't make it would work but, I fear also that I may get emotional when saying it to them and my mom is just not as understanding. I know she is just looking out for me but, she is a very complicated person with these things. Just any suggestions that have worked for anyone else to tell family and friends without saying too much but, not lying.

Thank you

 

[Tinyflame]

"He's at the base", or "He needs to organize things (there)".

You don't have to explain to anyone, your business is your own. As long as you are happy, your family probably won't care beyond curiosity.

Happy Birthday, by the way, and welcome! :)
I hope things work out for you both.

 

[Rocket_fff]

Thank you very much for the wishes and I think I will just tell them he has some work things he has to take care of and may not be able to get out of it.

And thank you, I hope they do too. I love him so much.

<Please remember to capitalize the first letter of each sentence. Thanks Amethist>

 

[amethist]

Hi

Hope it went well for your birthday, and not too many awkard questions as to why your boyfriend was not there.

Amethist

 

[Rocket_fff]

Amethist,

Thank you things did go well and I did explain a bit to them and I think they understand to the extent they need to and support me either way.

Rocket

 

[sassy]

I have been reading the posts here and it is very similiar to what I am going through. My guy had been diagnosed with PTSD years before I met him. Had been on medication and going to counseling. But he hated the way he felt so he stopped, all again before I met him. He is in Canada and I am in the states. Over the past couple of weeks he suffered a serious breakdown. Partially due to the things goin on in my life and my not being able to be with him.

He realized that he needs to get help, and I am behind him 100 percent, but the thing I can't understand, he has told me that his therapist wants him to limit his contact with people, both online and in rl, until the meds "kick in". Of course my friends are telling me, "oh there is nothing really wrong with him, he just wants out of the relationship and will do or say anything to end it." They don't know him, he has neve been the type to not tell me directly if something is bothering him, I always knew if he was mad. And if he didn't still want me in his life he would flat out tell me to go the f*** away.
We still talk on skype, not daily like before, but we do. We also play games online together.

It will be tough, but if I look at things rationally, instead of just with my heart I honestly believe we will be ok.

 

[Rocket_fff]

Sassy,

With my experience so far (which is not that long) I understand the friends and family not understanding what is going on with them. This disorder is like "depression", you CAN NOT tell them to "just get over it". The people on the outside I believe are just trying to help you to protect yourself because they care about you. Dealing with a person with PTSD is much different than any relationship and if you have a good line of commuication with the sufferer and he/she is able to tell you "I am having a bad day" this is the way a lot PTSD sufferers have of "warning" you so to speak. A lot of times, they just need some "complete" alone time. My sufferer needs to be completely segragated from everyone and be alone to try to be able to sort things out in his own head without any interuption to be able to function with anyone else around.

It sounds like you still have a very solid connection with him and if you have the patience, understanding and listening skills I think you guys will be ok.
Rocket

 

[MsPositive40]

Very well said Rocket :tup: