guenhwyvar
New Here
I'm not quite sure how to start this, so I'll just jump in.
Throughout my childhood, I went through regular and extensive emotional abuse from my mother. There was some physical abuse, but it wasn't too bad. I've certainly heard much worse in that area. I was also sexually molested by a music teacher over the course of about a year and a half, starting when I was nine years old. Most recently, I got out of an abusive relationship where, among other things, she would shove and hit me. She also threatened to frame me for molesting her daughter if I ever broke up with her.
I've attempted suicide multiple times, and had multiple inpatient hospitalizations. I drank and used drugs very heavily for about five years, but haven't touched either in almost nine years.
I've had several different diagnoses since getting sober: major depression, bipolar II, polysubstance dependent, and general anxiety. It wasn't until I was recently diagnosed with PTSD that things started to make more sense. Medication did absolutely nothing for me, and all of the twelve-step groups seemed to work well for everyone else but I still felt like an outsider. Also, my complete lack of any inclination to drink or use drugs again made me wonder if I was in the right place.
I've had a difficult time sticking with therapy. Whenever there has been a break in it for any reason, I wind up not going back. I had one therapist go in for surgery, one took a few weeks off during the holidays - I just never can seem to make it back. This is similar to all of my relationships, and is the real reason why I started seeking help again: loneliness.
I can't maintain even basic friendships. I used to have no problem maintaining friends, and have had many regular groups of friends over the years. I have let them all fall away. My only social network is through my job. Once I switch jobs, it's out with the old and in with new. I've been at my current job for around six months, and was at my previous job for about four years. I had developed friendships there with people who matter to me. I still think about them, and other previous friends, all the time. Whenever I think about trying to contact them, I feel so overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt that I frequently have to nap from exhaustion. I have similar results with any thought of social activity: my mind immediately starts to think of ways to get out of it.
Judging by the reaction of people at work to me, I seem to be a pretty likable guy. I think that this difficulty with friendships stems from a real lack of any sense of self. Whenever I think about who I am, I either get depressed or angry. Sometimes I feel like I want to tear something apart and fall down and cry all at the same time. Then, like I always do, I shove the emotion down and regain composure. At work, I know what role I need to play and who I need to be. I think that's why I can maintain friends there, while I'm there. Outside of work, I don't know who or what I'm supposed to be. I revert to my closed off and shy self. When I go out in public, I always have my iPod with me and keep any interactions only to what is absolutely necessary.
My last two romantic relationships have been with coworkers. They see who I am at work, they think that's me and so they pursue me. I can play the role of the good boyfriend for a while, but it inevitably falls apart whenever they try and take care of me. I can't stand anyone taking care of me or being nice to me - it makes me profoundly uncomfortable. I wonder if this is related to the whole seduction stage of my sexual molestation. I'm very good at taking care of them and doing things for them, but won't allow any reciprocation. One relationship ended when she lost interest, and the other one turned incredibly abusive. The abuse caused me to withdraw more, which caused her to go to greater extremes, and the downward spiral went on for a while until I left. I felt completely shattered as a human after that relationship ended, and I still haven't recovered from it. Prior to those two relationships, I had been alone for over six years.
The only relationships that I have been able to maintain are with my mother and father - I call them every day. Even those are starting to diminish. With my mother, as it always has been, she talks and I add the occasional "cool" or "uh-huh" to keep her talking. She rarely asks how I'm doing, and I brush it off even when she does. With my father, though, we had been close. Neither one of us is very overtly emotional, and we both like to intellectualize. Lately though, I've noticed myself being less and less interactive with him. I'm scared that I will ultimately wind up completely alone and unable to make my way back to any semblance of a normal life.
I try to be hopeful, which is why I am here. Thanks to all who read this.
Guenhwyvar
Throughout my childhood, I went through regular and extensive emotional abuse from my mother. There was some physical abuse, but it wasn't too bad. I've certainly heard much worse in that area. I was also sexually molested by a music teacher over the course of about a year and a half, starting when I was nine years old. Most recently, I got out of an abusive relationship where, among other things, she would shove and hit me. She also threatened to frame me for molesting her daughter if I ever broke up with her.
I've attempted suicide multiple times, and had multiple inpatient hospitalizations. I drank and used drugs very heavily for about five years, but haven't touched either in almost nine years.
I've had several different diagnoses since getting sober: major depression, bipolar II, polysubstance dependent, and general anxiety. It wasn't until I was recently diagnosed with PTSD that things started to make more sense. Medication did absolutely nothing for me, and all of the twelve-step groups seemed to work well for everyone else but I still felt like an outsider. Also, my complete lack of any inclination to drink or use drugs again made me wonder if I was in the right place.
I've had a difficult time sticking with therapy. Whenever there has been a break in it for any reason, I wind up not going back. I had one therapist go in for surgery, one took a few weeks off during the holidays - I just never can seem to make it back. This is similar to all of my relationships, and is the real reason why I started seeking help again: loneliness.
I can't maintain even basic friendships. I used to have no problem maintaining friends, and have had many regular groups of friends over the years. I have let them all fall away. My only social network is through my job. Once I switch jobs, it's out with the old and in with new. I've been at my current job for around six months, and was at my previous job for about four years. I had developed friendships there with people who matter to me. I still think about them, and other previous friends, all the time. Whenever I think about trying to contact them, I feel so overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt that I frequently have to nap from exhaustion. I have similar results with any thought of social activity: my mind immediately starts to think of ways to get out of it.
Judging by the reaction of people at work to me, I seem to be a pretty likable guy. I think that this difficulty with friendships stems from a real lack of any sense of self. Whenever I think about who I am, I either get depressed or angry. Sometimes I feel like I want to tear something apart and fall down and cry all at the same time. Then, like I always do, I shove the emotion down and regain composure. At work, I know what role I need to play and who I need to be. I think that's why I can maintain friends there, while I'm there. Outside of work, I don't know who or what I'm supposed to be. I revert to my closed off and shy self. When I go out in public, I always have my iPod with me and keep any interactions only to what is absolutely necessary.
My last two romantic relationships have been with coworkers. They see who I am at work, they think that's me and so they pursue me. I can play the role of the good boyfriend for a while, but it inevitably falls apart whenever they try and take care of me. I can't stand anyone taking care of me or being nice to me - it makes me profoundly uncomfortable. I wonder if this is related to the whole seduction stage of my sexual molestation. I'm very good at taking care of them and doing things for them, but won't allow any reciprocation. One relationship ended when she lost interest, and the other one turned incredibly abusive. The abuse caused me to withdraw more, which caused her to go to greater extremes, and the downward spiral went on for a while until I left. I felt completely shattered as a human after that relationship ended, and I still haven't recovered from it. Prior to those two relationships, I had been alone for over six years.
The only relationships that I have been able to maintain are with my mother and father - I call them every day. Even those are starting to diminish. With my mother, as it always has been, she talks and I add the occasional "cool" or "uh-huh" to keep her talking. She rarely asks how I'm doing, and I brush it off even when she does. With my father, though, we had been close. Neither one of us is very overtly emotional, and we both like to intellectualize. Lately though, I've noticed myself being less and less interactive with him. I'm scared that I will ultimately wind up completely alone and unable to make my way back to any semblance of a normal life.
I try to be hopeful, which is why I am here. Thanks to all who read this.
Guenhwyvar
