Klarity Belle
New Here
I've been with my Jungian analyst for just over a year now, so around 60 sessions @ 50mins. Building a therapeutic relationship with her has definitely helped me to share some of my trapped grief and trauma, but I do hit a wall with her sometimes where I feel she doesn't get me and worse that she has got me completely wrong.
My sessions are every Wednesday at noon and so it is pretty much ingrained in me now not to make other plans on Wednesdays till after 2pm, in fact I do my very best to leave Wednesdays as a day free of other committments or appointments save what I have to do for my business and my children.
When I am experiencing high anxiety and feeling emotionally flashbacked as I have been recently, then it is easy for me to overlook this rule of no other Wednesday arrangements because I simply just don't remember it. An example of this was my last hair appointment around 8 weeks ago, I was having a really bad time and my daughter was off sick at the time too and I had to take her with me. I went because I hoped getting my hair done would help me feel a little better about myself also I would have had to wait another 8 weeks for an appointment. It was an ordeal to sit in the chair and listen to the chatter and hustle and bustle of the salon, I was so agoraphobic and just wanted to cry the whole time. I was in such a rush to get out, I even left my favourite necklace there too. I gave the wrong money at the desk and my stylist checked a date with me which I have no recollection of and handed me the appointment card as I bolted out the door with my daughter. I haven't seen the appointment card since!
A couple of weeks back I remembered I must have a hair appointment sometime in Feb so I called my stylist, of course it had to be a Wednesday at 10.15am for colour, cut and blowdry. I spoke to my therapist to request we make our appointment another time that particular day (this weeks session). She immediately asked me why I would make a hair appointment on a Wednesday so close to our time. I tried to explain that I had not been in a good place and was totally unaware of what I had done. We agreed I would come at 2pm instead and I said I would be more careful in future when booking appointments.
The past couple of weeks have been bad too so I have doubled up my therapy sessions for a while 12 - 1.40pm. Last week was the 1st double and this week is going to be my second. When I left last week I completely forgot that this week is the hair appointment so I just said 'see you next week' when I left. I remembered about the hair appointment today (2 days before therapy) and so I phoned my therapist to remind her and request that we just stick to the 2pm slot for one session. She had me down as arriving at 1pm for a double but I definitely hadn't discussed this with her last week and said it was a misunderstanding but she immediately countered that if it was in her book for 1pm then we must have made the arrangement. Jumping into fawn mode, I said I would cancel my cut and make it by 1pm. She then asked why did I take so much on at one time and not leave enough time to fit everything in, she said it was something I appeared to do often and we would have to talk about in our session.
I don't know if I am making any sense but basically this was not something I feel I have done on purpose or even subconciously (as a Jungian would look at it), I only do things like this when I am caught in trauma mode and dissociating. I have tried to explain this to my therapist before but she doesn't seem to get me on this. Now I am already anxious about my session with her on Wednesday because I feel my explanations are just going to sound like excuses, yet I want to stand up for myself as I see it. Perhaps that is what she is hoping I will do here - who knows! But all I know is that this aspect of my therapy is uncomfortable, it makes me feel unsafe and misunderstood.
Anyone else have this kind of thing happen in therapy?
My sessions are every Wednesday at noon and so it is pretty much ingrained in me now not to make other plans on Wednesdays till after 2pm, in fact I do my very best to leave Wednesdays as a day free of other committments or appointments save what I have to do for my business and my children.
When I am experiencing high anxiety and feeling emotionally flashbacked as I have been recently, then it is easy for me to overlook this rule of no other Wednesday arrangements because I simply just don't remember it. An example of this was my last hair appointment around 8 weeks ago, I was having a really bad time and my daughter was off sick at the time too and I had to take her with me. I went because I hoped getting my hair done would help me feel a little better about myself also I would have had to wait another 8 weeks for an appointment. It was an ordeal to sit in the chair and listen to the chatter and hustle and bustle of the salon, I was so agoraphobic and just wanted to cry the whole time. I was in such a rush to get out, I even left my favourite necklace there too. I gave the wrong money at the desk and my stylist checked a date with me which I have no recollection of and handed me the appointment card as I bolted out the door with my daughter. I haven't seen the appointment card since!
A couple of weeks back I remembered I must have a hair appointment sometime in Feb so I called my stylist, of course it had to be a Wednesday at 10.15am for colour, cut and blowdry. I spoke to my therapist to request we make our appointment another time that particular day (this weeks session). She immediately asked me why I would make a hair appointment on a Wednesday so close to our time. I tried to explain that I had not been in a good place and was totally unaware of what I had done. We agreed I would come at 2pm instead and I said I would be more careful in future when booking appointments.
The past couple of weeks have been bad too so I have doubled up my therapy sessions for a while 12 - 1.40pm. Last week was the 1st double and this week is going to be my second. When I left last week I completely forgot that this week is the hair appointment so I just said 'see you next week' when I left. I remembered about the hair appointment today (2 days before therapy) and so I phoned my therapist to remind her and request that we just stick to the 2pm slot for one session. She had me down as arriving at 1pm for a double but I definitely hadn't discussed this with her last week and said it was a misunderstanding but she immediately countered that if it was in her book for 1pm then we must have made the arrangement. Jumping into fawn mode, I said I would cancel my cut and make it by 1pm. She then asked why did I take so much on at one time and not leave enough time to fit everything in, she said it was something I appeared to do often and we would have to talk about in our session.
I don't know if I am making any sense but basically this was not something I feel I have done on purpose or even subconciously (as a Jungian would look at it), I only do things like this when I am caught in trauma mode and dissociating. I have tried to explain this to my therapist before but she doesn't seem to get me on this. Now I am already anxious about my session with her on Wednesday because I feel my explanations are just going to sound like excuses, yet I want to stand up for myself as I see it. Perhaps that is what she is hoping I will do here - who knows! But all I know is that this aspect of my therapy is uncomfortable, it makes me feel unsafe and misunderstood.
Anyone else have this kind of thing happen in therapy?
