My Life's Little Dramas: Platonic And Strictly Sexual Relationships, Respectively

[St.Maybe]

I'm a little embarrassed to write this, but I'll write it here because I don't have another place to put these thoughts, and they need out.

Lately I've been in a place of anxiety... I've been ignoring my neighbors (2 of the 5 people I know in town) for a number of good reasons, but also because of feeling so fearful. One neighbor has been in a particularly volatile place, and it makes me feel weird. I mean, I feel arrogant, as if I could fight him when I totally couldn't... I mean, he's a Spartan, and I quit dancing about 6 months ago, so I'm a bit out of shape despite also quitting baking at the same time- oh, my futile plans. I keep thinking that, you know, if he really does snap, I could like.... save the day... disarm him and lay him out using his own force against him...yeah...

Anyway, one has been flying off the handle lately and the other (they're room mates) wants to come over, to avoid the one's moodswings. I can't have that, because I just can't.

Feeling triggered by: hearing them fight, and having one of the guys (when the volcanic one erupts and just whenever he wants to smoke, go figure) pushing me to let him into my home (from knocking daily, to calling my name through the screen when I don't answer, to asking outright, "can I please come in?") has got me in a bit of a tizzy. What's my reaction? Well, it's to talk to strange men and seduce them.

...what? I don't even want to do this, and yet I picked up four separate guys at a bar earlier and have led each of them to believe that I might just invite them over tonight. I figured I'd take my pick(s)... and I feel so lost and confused as to why the hell I'm behaving this way. For a moment, here and there, I feel like it's actually a good idea but they're fleeting and I feel a bit out of control.

Whew, there it is.

Well. I'm going to go hide under an internet rock, and do God knows what else in the real world.

Wishing you better than me,
Reno

 

[Deleted member 33052]

There's nothing quite like feeling unsafe in your safe place. Have you lived there long? Any chance you could explain to the nice neighbour that you're seriously stressed and need to be alone? Better yet, maybe your could tell him that you've got PTSD and you need to be isolating right now...

Do you think maybe you were picking guys up in order to feel like you've got some control in your life? The neighbour issue would definitely have me feeling like I have no control.

I'm glad you found us, and I hope you get some peace very soon!

 

[St.Maybe]

Thank you : )

I've lived there for a little over a year... I guess being open and honest would normally be ideal but I kind of wonder.

I wouldn't open up to Neighbor 1 about what's going on- he often pries, and I've noticed that he has little respect for privacy and personal boundaries in his other relationships. He's got a bit of a savior complex, and often tells me that he'd "defend me," (gesturing to his small arsenal) if anyone else came by creeping around my house (I had a stalker last year). The first time he said this, he also said that he'd probably stalk me, himself, if he wasn't my neighbor... I told him how much that unnerved me (I've had a few men follow me over the years) and he said something about how he'd be "benign"... to say that I don't trust this guy would be a mild way of putting it. Since letting slip that he has a thing for me in front of his new lady friend, he's been outright mean to me and sugar-sweet in turn. I'd just as soon cut him out of my life for good.

Neighbor 2 has had his own share of traumatic experiences, and I think he'd get it if I told him outright that I needed isolation. I hope he would. I don't think I'm clear enough when I tell him I don't feel like hanging out, because he just comes by the next day. The truth is, though, that I don't get a good feeling about him and I don't really care to interact with him at all.

I'm afraid of telling either of them this... I mean, I don't want to hurt their feelings and I don't want someone living so close to me to harbor me misgivings.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Ugh. Any chance you could ditch the McCreepy brothers and get a new place?

You have my sympathy, and now my concern. Welcome to the family!

 

[St.Maybe]

I'd love to move, but my price range and location requirements (I walk to school) make this the nicest and most private place I could get. Even compromising on privacy, the area apartments are new and more expensive than my town house (there are a few old ones but they're drug hubs).

I've been able to tell the boys to call instead of knocking unexpectedly. Kind of got weird looks but after ignoring the knocking for a while my phone's been lighting up instead. Today this had the awesome benefit of cutting out all of Neighbor 2's beating around the bush. I can just tell him I don't have time to smoke and he can quickly excuse himself without all the routine small talk beforehand. Bit by bit maybe I can establish new boundaries :)

Thanks or listening and being so welcoming :)

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Good for you, Reno! You did just what you had to do! You have established some boundaries and it sounds like they are willing to work within them. :tup:

 

[UniqueSunflower]

I've had a really hard time finding a balance in my boundaries. I want to have a healthy emotional / sexual relationship. I have difficulty having casual sex & have attempted to get to know someone before having sex, though even that's backfired. I think there's compatibility & trust and what I thought existed ends up as what seems to be false perceptions. I'm getting better at recognizing red flags (though maybe not paying attention to them). There are times I feel discouraged...am I ever going to be healthy enough to attract someone who is healthy too? Boundaries seem tricky in that they're very important but where's the line where you don't let anyone in for the sake of self preservation?

Unique Sunflower

 

[St.Maybe]

@UniqueSunflower, I honestly think that learning how to recognize red flags is an important first step. When you start spotting the flags and seeing the behavior that they're indicative of materialize in real life (and they always will, as you get closer to a person,) the locate-an-invisible-landmine-and-then-walk-into-it routine will get old. You'll know what to expect and you'll be right again and again- You'll gain confidence in your BS meter and either use it to weed out undesirables, confident that your intuition has served you early like it's meant to, or you'll start to sabotage your own efforts. Either way it's a learning experience and you can address and heal what you can identify. I believe the that the frustration is a key part of that process. The truth is, that you attract healthy people by being the healthiest you can be

I suppose it's up to you how long it takes to learn to trust your intuition- I trust mine implicitly if I'm not in a state of paranoia. I personally sleep around when I feel out-of-control, and I expect nothing form the scenario except a reasonably timed exit and for that person to show me their best behavior. The key for me is communication of intentions. I transport men back to the time of free love just for one magical night, and they know this even if they try to bend the rules after the fact.

I've found that self-doubt is my biggest enemy when it comes to engaging with the "wrong" people... human bodies are naturally all about self-preservation, so there's a part of you that will point you in the right direction no matter how much noise is there to quiet it.

 

[UniqueSunflower]

@UniqueSunflower, I honestly think that learning how to recognize red flags is an i...

My intuition has definitely gotten stronger over time and I'm becoming better at listening to it. It's even serving me well in the form of vivid dreams I'll have related to events or people who are active in my life and in my most recent relationship, the dreams I was having were clear in their meaning. I have faith that as time goes on, I'm getting more emotionally healthy. I keep reminding myself that each relationship, even the "not so great ones" are stepping stones and hopefully leading to a healthy one (or at least workable). :)