Hi All ! Here's where I get a bit long winded - bear with me !
My husband was diagnosed with PTSD about 6 weeks ago . He went off from work on stress leave a couple months ago ( was siting a different reason for stress at this time) When it came time for him to return to work in August - it basically terrified him and he broke down - it wasn't until this time that I knew what the real reasons for his stress was ( something he was involved in due to his employment 10 yrs ago ) As I said in my intro we have been together for 13 yrs , so I was with him when this incident occured . I had no idea it was bothering him this much until 6 wks ago . Ignorance on my part , I guess . He would talk about it once in a while but he never seemed upset by it too much - said he saw things he wished he never had and that was all he said about it .
For roughly the last 3 yrs he's changed - not completely and not suddenly . Just gradually becoming more irritable & angry at things a lot more & very unhappy with his job . He's also been , kind of obsessive - not sure if that 's the proper description or not . It's like he finds an interest and spends days & months pusuing it - it becomes all encompassing - staying on the computer for hours on end all hours of the day and night finding out all he can . I'm realising now that this is how he copes with what's going on in his head . A distraction , I guess , for lack of a better word . I've thought at times that he was just avoiding me for reasons I didn't know - but being the person I am , just assuming it was somehow my fault and something I was doing wrong but he wouldn't tell me . I can ask him things sometimes and get no answer - it's like I'm not there - he hasn't heard me . By reading here I have some insight into this that I didn't in the past . I only wish I had known sooner - some senseless arguments could have been avoided had I understood what was going on and that at those times he just needed space .
Since seeing a therapist he's been especially angry and I've been the target of that anger - I will be clear that he has never been physically violent in any way in all of the 13+ years we've been together. Although he can get very hurtful & hateful in the things he says to me .The Jekyll/Hyde thing . He has told me that "I" won't be able to handle all of this and that if it comes to it he will leave . This is the type of thing he does . It varies . He's accused me of being unfaithful - which I never have . This always hurts as it makes me feel like he really doesn't know me that well after all this time . I don't think he really believes that I have - otherwise I think he would have left me. When he's really having a bad day - this always comes up during the really bad ones & he always makes the statement that he'll leave because that's what I want . During these arguments (and they usually start over the simplest things ) he rarely lets me get a sentence in & when I do it's like I didn't say anything anyway or it gets twisted around and the meaning of what I did say is totally lost . It gets very frustrating for me . From what I've read here - I'm thinking that it's during these times that I need to distance myself from him and not let it keep going .
I'm going to see his therapist next week to get some help from her for me and how I can help myself in all of this because at times I feel quite helpless . We went to see her together last week and I am looking forward to seeing her alone . At one point during our meeting she looked at me and said , "Do you ever feel like he's not hearing you ?" It was one of those times when I had said something and he had twisted what I said to mean something totally different and missed what I meant altogether . I was so glad she said that , and then repeated to him what I said . Inside I was shouting - She got it ! She got what I said ! It was a good moment for me just to realise that it isn't all me -something that I've assumed for a long while now . He really isn't listening at times . I've had so many doubts about myself and not being able to express myself so that he gets where I'm coming from.
He is a truely wonderful person and very kind when he's doing well and I do love him dearly.
I guess the times when he's not doing well bothers me so much because he seems to be intentionally hurting me (after 13 + yrs with someone you know what to say that will hurt ) I'm not sure if he's testing me to reassure himself that I really do love him and I'm not going to run at the first sign of trouble . I'm not sure - it just really hurts and I'm going to have to learn to make that boundary where I don't let him do that anymore . The last time this happened - about a week ago - I spent a good 3 hours of certainty that day that he was leaving , our marriage was over . I was heart broken , my head was spinning . I had left for a while to go for a drive (our 2 children were at friends) - came back and hoped that we could talk about working things out . He was having none of it - we were through - he hated his life and that was it - besides I could find someone else and on and on ... He was interrupted by the telephone - spent the next 30-45 mins talking and when he got off the phone he looked at me and said I didn't look like I was doing that well - he then hugged me ( I cried my eyes out ) and he told me he loved me & that if he ever left he'd be back in minutes. I just cried harder . I am truely at a loss for words at a time like that and I don't know what I should or shouldn't be doing . I have attempted in the past to let him know (at a later time when things are calmer) how much things like that hurt me and he starts to get angry again and I usually drop it at that point not wanting things to escalate again .
I've read that short term memory loss can also be a symptom . This happened just yesterday afternoon ,he called me at work to ask me a question about something he knew that morning . I know he knew this "thing" was going to happen because we talked about it and not just in passing but to some length and he even mentioned it to our son when he was leaving for school . A friend of our sons was going to come to our house on the bus that afternoon . He called me after the bus had got there and our son & friend arrived and asked me , "Am I missing something ?" I said , "I don't know , what do you mean ?" He told me that this friend had come on the bus with our son and that he didn't know about it . It really blew me away , I didn't say anything much something like - ' yeah , we talked about that this morning......" There was a long pause on his end and then he asked if I could pick up some cigarettes for him on my way home , I said ,"Ok" & he just said "see ya then" and hung up . He then called again about 45 mins later and asked me if I had brought his cigs home lunch time when I was there .... I just said , no I didn't know he needed them until he had phoned me a little while ago but would stop on my way home & get them . He just said - Oh , ok - see ya then .
My question , should I bring this up and how it concerns me or just be wary and not mention anything ? This has really worried me because I haven't seen this before in him - sure, occassionally forgetting something ,but hey, we all do that .
I could write a lot more but will leave it at that for now . Any insight or comments are welcome . I have read so many things that I relate to here with all of you as carers and I look forward to your insight - I open to all things that will improve our daily lives living with PTSD .
My husband was diagnosed with PTSD about 6 weeks ago . He went off from work on stress leave a couple months ago ( was siting a different reason for stress at this time) When it came time for him to return to work in August - it basically terrified him and he broke down - it wasn't until this time that I knew what the real reasons for his stress was ( something he was involved in due to his employment 10 yrs ago ) As I said in my intro we have been together for 13 yrs , so I was with him when this incident occured . I had no idea it was bothering him this much until 6 wks ago . Ignorance on my part , I guess . He would talk about it once in a while but he never seemed upset by it too much - said he saw things he wished he never had and that was all he said about it .
For roughly the last 3 yrs he's changed - not completely and not suddenly . Just gradually becoming more irritable & angry at things a lot more & very unhappy with his job . He's also been , kind of obsessive - not sure if that 's the proper description or not . It's like he finds an interest and spends days & months pusuing it - it becomes all encompassing - staying on the computer for hours on end all hours of the day and night finding out all he can . I'm realising now that this is how he copes with what's going on in his head . A distraction , I guess , for lack of a better word . I've thought at times that he was just avoiding me for reasons I didn't know - but being the person I am , just assuming it was somehow my fault and something I was doing wrong but he wouldn't tell me . I can ask him things sometimes and get no answer - it's like I'm not there - he hasn't heard me . By reading here I have some insight into this that I didn't in the past . I only wish I had known sooner - some senseless arguments could have been avoided had I understood what was going on and that at those times he just needed space .
Since seeing a therapist he's been especially angry and I've been the target of that anger - I will be clear that he has never been physically violent in any way in all of the 13+ years we've been together. Although he can get very hurtful & hateful in the things he says to me .The Jekyll/Hyde thing . He has told me that "I" won't be able to handle all of this and that if it comes to it he will leave . This is the type of thing he does . It varies . He's accused me of being unfaithful - which I never have . This always hurts as it makes me feel like he really doesn't know me that well after all this time . I don't think he really believes that I have - otherwise I think he would have left me. When he's really having a bad day - this always comes up during the really bad ones & he always makes the statement that he'll leave because that's what I want . During these arguments (and they usually start over the simplest things ) he rarely lets me get a sentence in & when I do it's like I didn't say anything anyway or it gets twisted around and the meaning of what I did say is totally lost . It gets very frustrating for me . From what I've read here - I'm thinking that it's during these times that I need to distance myself from him and not let it keep going .
I'm going to see his therapist next week to get some help from her for me and how I can help myself in all of this because at times I feel quite helpless . We went to see her together last week and I am looking forward to seeing her alone . At one point during our meeting she looked at me and said , "Do you ever feel like he's not hearing you ?" It was one of those times when I had said something and he had twisted what I said to mean something totally different and missed what I meant altogether . I was so glad she said that , and then repeated to him what I said . Inside I was shouting - She got it ! She got what I said ! It was a good moment for me just to realise that it isn't all me -something that I've assumed for a long while now . He really isn't listening at times . I've had so many doubts about myself and not being able to express myself so that he gets where I'm coming from.
He is a truely wonderful person and very kind when he's doing well and I do love him dearly.
I guess the times when he's not doing well bothers me so much because he seems to be intentionally hurting me (after 13 + yrs with someone you know what to say that will hurt ) I'm not sure if he's testing me to reassure himself that I really do love him and I'm not going to run at the first sign of trouble . I'm not sure - it just really hurts and I'm going to have to learn to make that boundary where I don't let him do that anymore . The last time this happened - about a week ago - I spent a good 3 hours of certainty that day that he was leaving , our marriage was over . I was heart broken , my head was spinning . I had left for a while to go for a drive (our 2 children were at friends) - came back and hoped that we could talk about working things out . He was having none of it - we were through - he hated his life and that was it - besides I could find someone else and on and on ... He was interrupted by the telephone - spent the next 30-45 mins talking and when he got off the phone he looked at me and said I didn't look like I was doing that well - he then hugged me ( I cried my eyes out ) and he told me he loved me & that if he ever left he'd be back in minutes. I just cried harder . I am truely at a loss for words at a time like that and I don't know what I should or shouldn't be doing . I have attempted in the past to let him know (at a later time when things are calmer) how much things like that hurt me and he starts to get angry again and I usually drop it at that point not wanting things to escalate again .
I've read that short term memory loss can also be a symptom . This happened just yesterday afternoon ,he called me at work to ask me a question about something he knew that morning . I know he knew this "thing" was going to happen because we talked about it and not just in passing but to some length and he even mentioned it to our son when he was leaving for school . A friend of our sons was going to come to our house on the bus that afternoon . He called me after the bus had got there and our son & friend arrived and asked me , "Am I missing something ?" I said , "I don't know , what do you mean ?" He told me that this friend had come on the bus with our son and that he didn't know about it . It really blew me away , I didn't say anything much something like - ' yeah , we talked about that this morning......" There was a long pause on his end and then he asked if I could pick up some cigarettes for him on my way home , I said ,"Ok" & he just said "see ya then" and hung up . He then called again about 45 mins later and asked me if I had brought his cigs home lunch time when I was there .... I just said , no I didn't know he needed them until he had phoned me a little while ago but would stop on my way home & get them . He just said - Oh , ok - see ya then .
My question , should I bring this up and how it concerns me or just be wary and not mention anything ? This has really worried me because I haven't seen this before in him - sure, occassionally forgetting something ,but hey, we all do that .
I could write a lot more but will leave it at that for now . Any insight or comments are welcome . I have read so many things that I relate to here with all of you as carers and I look forward to your insight - I open to all things that will improve our daily lives living with PTSD .
