Sufferer My Story

[MCCS]

I was placed in a foster home at 5 days old and do believe that had an impact on my development. I was adopted by the only foster home I have been in at 3 years of age. As soon as I could talk I was having night terrors according to my Mom. I have always had trust issues as well which I believe stems from being separated from my bio Mom at birth. Children's Aid took care of me for the first 5 days of my life and no one knows what happened during those 5 days. I was born with cocaine in my system which probably had affects on me as well. I was always a quiet child and didn't verbally express my emotions. As a very young child (preschool age) (which I repressed for many years and have recently remembered through reading Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker) I was in a situation where I didn't feel was right and recall questioning the other child if it was appropriate. I remember being in his bathroom numerous times and him pulling his pants down and telling me to touch his private parts, in turn I remember him telling me to show him mine. To this day I am not sure if that is normal child sexual exploration or if it was inappropriate. When I was 10 years old my older brother molested me. Due to being a very heavy sleeper I wore pull ups until I was 10. I do believe this started happening for a few reasons which include not wearing pull ups anymore and one incident where my best friend and I had gotten muddy and my mom told us to wash off in the sprinkler before coming in the house. We were naked running through the sprinkler and my brother was watching us through the window. He molested me for 2 years until I got my period at the age of 12. I was extremely angry about it and honestly hated him but felt I couldn't tell anyone. I wanted to tell my Mom so badly and even remember one night laying in my bed getting the courage up to tell my Mom about it. I was so angry and allowing myself to feel the anger. I was so close to telling her but for some reason decided I would tell her in the morning so went to sleep. I woke up and once again felt like I couldn't tell her. I was extremely suicidal from the age of 12 and recall attempting suicide for the first time at Christmas that year. Through out my teens I attempted many more times, was diagnosed as clinically depressed, with clinical anxiety and PTSD due to my night terrors, I was also cutting. One time I came very close to succeeding in killing myself and was admitted to the hospital. From then on I decided I wanted to live. I saw a psychiatrist, family counsellor, was admitted to an in stay hospital program as well. I saw my family doctor regularly. Up until I was 17 I hadn't told anyone besides my ex that I had been molested by my brother. I finally told my Mom what had happened as a child when I was 17, which began my recovery. Up until this year I didn't do too much for my recovery. I am currently 22 and earlier in the month I met a guy who encouraged me to do anything I needed to do to help myself recover from my past. He helped me realize I am still dealing with the affects of my past. I ordered about 15 books online for PTSD and sexual abuse and am currently reading through them one by one. I have not gone to a group meeting on sexual abuse but plan to in late January or early February to continue my recovery. I have also come across SIA and their phone meetings but haven't found an affordable way to participate in them. I'm in Canada and the international long distance charges are ridiculous. I havent come across a group meeting that isn't more than an hour away as well which makes it difficult to get to meetings. I struggle with my inner critic on a daily basis which I thought was typical for everyone up until reading Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker and am now realizing it is a struggle which stems from my CPTSD. I'm wondering if anyone else is in Ontario, Canada on here and going through something similar.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi and Welcome to the forum.
I hope you find the information on here helpful and the people supportive - I know I have!
Regards, Lucy x

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, although I am in California right now, I am from the Toronto are (slightly north actually). The majority of my healing I did in that area. Where are you at? BTW I am a foster/adopted woman as well, although quite a bit older than you.

 

[MCCS]

Yes, although I am in California right now, I am from the Toronto are (slightly north actually). The m...

I'm in Caledon, I've found 2 meetings in Toronto but am struggling to find any in my area. SIA and the Gatehouse seem to have group meetings in Toronto that I'm drawn to. May I ask if you went to group meetings and if so which ones? Is there any way to find ones closer to where I am besides googling sexual abuse group meetings? I'm new to recovery and would appreciate any suggestions outside of books and forums. Thank you for your reply :)

 

[shimmerz]

Are you looking for therapy? I used to see a therapist in Mono, had a support group (although not for PTSD in particular) in Aliston. I wasn't able to 'do groups' at the time. I looked for individual counseling. Have you tried to get into the trauma group at Women's College Hospital? They have quite an impressive program there.

 

[shimmerz]

I just wanted to say that WCH is accepting new patients (referrals) on January 4th. It is tough to get in but a worthwhile program. Do you have a doctor who can refer you to this program if you are interested? If so, I would get on it asap. Here is the link to the hospital and information about the program there.

http://www.womenscollegehospital.ca/programs-and-services/mental-health/trauma-therapy-program

 

[MCCS]

Are you looking for therapy? I used to see a therapist in Mono, had a support group (although not for...

I'm quite new to this and haven't started therapy in any way. I'm hoping to find a support group for PTSD or sexual abuse in the orangeville or Peel region as well as a therapist close to that area. I've tried googling both and haven't come across much. I have left a tab open for the link you recommended and if I am able to get to Toronto will look further into it, thank you :)

 

[intothelight]

Welcome! :)

 

[The Black Phoenix]

Hello and Welcome!