Today after posting on someone else's thread my feelings about my ex are coming to the surface. I do...
Hello. I'm the newbie here and I do not do social media or forums; but in my own attempt to reconcile myself, I thought my experience may help some of you out there as I could not find anything to help myself in the aftermath of my own hell.
So here goes ...
IT DOES NOT MATTER how he said what he said. It does not matter in what context his dialogue was delivered, how you received it then, or now. It does not matter what order you remember it happening in, or if you are even certain he said it.
WHAT MATTERS is that someone who you are trusting your life, your heart and your soul with is saying something like that at all!
You need not think beyond that. Stop allowing the rabbit hole to suck you down because we all know, there is nothing down there but more madness and loss of life.
I journal, as I am sure we all do. To get my ex out of my mind, I wrote a separate journal. In it, I wrote down every single thing he ever said to me or about me that destroyed me. I wrote down every single thing he accused me of when he was delusional, the people he accused me of knowing or speaking to, the horrific things he did to me, every little snide remark, every attempt to abuse me, belittle me, frighten me or in general, make me feel like the dried crap underneath the pile of fresh crap. I wrote down every name he called me. I wrote down every threat he made, every off the wall reaction he had to everything. I wrote down every time he wasn't there for me, every time he blamed me for his problems and every time he went silent on me. I wrote down EVERYTHING THAT WAS NOT a good memory.
... and then I read it all. Over and over and over.
This "therapy" retrains your brain to filter out the good memories that your heart is so desperately clinging to and allows your brain to see only what truly existed. Once this happens, all of a sudden you say to yourself, wow. I really was being abused. He didn't love me. How did I allow myself to be treated that way? And then you get pissed off because you realize that you were a willing participant in creating your own Hell. These are harsh words; I understand; but PTSD is harsher. Right?
