Needing Support

[Rune]

Hello...I have been married for 18 years now and my wife has ptsd. I have dealt with alot over the last 18 years and now I am lumped with this. Seems like I am paying for everyones elses crap they did to my wife since she was two. All my wife can say to me is: "Just be my friend" hey even friends get a hug I get absolutely nothing not even a smile. HELP :mad:

 

[Navy Spouse]

I feel for you. What a spouse you are to be with her 18 years through all that and not be getting what you need. My husband came back from Afganistan less than two months ago with combat PTSD. I'm new at this, but I wanted to say you must be a very unselfish person and she is lucky to have you. Has she had counseling? I'm sure you'll hear from others on this site, who are more wise than I on the subject. Take Care

 

[wife of]

As a long term spouse of someone with ptsd I can say thats not unusual.
However hopefuly for you it will be cyclical and before long the sun will come out again and your sticking power and support will pay off.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome to the forum, Rune!

I have PTSD and I do not have a supportive significant other, other than my very special service dog, Bright, whose original tasks were to help me maintain my balance and alert me to sounds. He has become so much more...

Someone already mentioned therapy for your wife, but what about couple's counseling for both of you? Do you think that might work? That way your wife would have a chance to hear your needs in a setting where it isn't about putting her needs down.

I know there are lots of carers on this forum who are extremely wise. I hope you find support from them...

Your needs ARE important!!!!

Take care!

 

[IvyMillie]

I'm sorry about what you are going through. I've been married a long time also and there are times when it really is hard. I hope this forum helps you get some support. It has helped me so much.

Even though we are the carers we still need to take care of ourselves in many ways. I have things that I do that are coping skills to help me through the tough times. I have to try and focus on what I like to do and find some pleasure and satisfaction from those things.

I went to school for a number of years and that was great. I took piano lessons for a few years. I like to write poetry. I made up some family type of games. I find if I have a project I'm working on his moods and all don't affect me as much.

I also have a cat that makes me so happy. She is very affectionate, she just got on my lap. She makes me smile and happy when nothing else can.

Of course, if you can talk to your spouce and voice your concerns, then that is better. However, we can't always do that. You may be able to do it in a playful way. Or maybe start a habit where you kiss each other before one of you leaves the house. Not making a big deal out of it, just something that will give you some of what you need without her feeling stressed about it.

 

[Girl3]

My husband says the same thing - he constantly tells me he is not the enemy. I can tell you what helps me: I need for my husband to be calm, give me options instead of ultimatums, and to ask for hugs instead of expecting me to intuit when he needs one. We PTSDers set up huge boundaries because our boundaries were violated when we couldn't protect ourselves. But the boundaries won't crumble easily, they'll be rebuilt over and over, and force/anger only causes us to reinforce them to be stronger. Instead - work on making a gate with a latch that your wife controls. (Maybe that's a weird metaphor, but it's how I think of it.) Also - fear often manifests as rage with PTSD. If you find your wife is often angry, try to step back and find out what is making her afraid or anxious, insterad of attacking anger with anger. And since her traumas began so early, much of her internal dialogue will not make it out of her mouth. My girl1 persona was sexually abused by at least age three until age 10 - it is nearly impossible to talk about those issues because it started before I had language. I see the early stuff as if it were "silent movies".
Hope you guys heal together -

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum Rune. This seems like a very difficult situation for you. I imagine that you have thought of separating a few times already. Some have asked good questions : has she or is she seeing a professional health advisor / counsellor ? No one can deal alone with those symptomes nor impose them on their loved ones. The sufferer and the carer both need some guidelines if they want their relationship to last through those rough phases.

Best of luck to you Rune, you may suggest that she come on the forum as a sufferer if she is willing. Many will be able to relate to her.

 

[Rune]

Thanks to all of you for your kind words.

Well where do I start ?????? When I married my wife I knew to a degree what I was getting into but it has been going on for soooo long and I am getting tired. I took on her daughter from a previous relationship, paid her ex partners gambling debt which we inherited. Have always supported the family, we have two children together, beautiful might I add.

In the last two years I have changed jobs to create more income to put ourselves in a better postion financially. We are both Christians and I was working fulltime as a chef in an Aged Care Facility as the supervisor and Pastoring our local church, both full time.

After 6 years doing this I suffered some burnout then I went back to sea as a ships cook in the oil and gas industry quadrupled my wage overnight, have now built a new house, which she hasn't even said thank you or anything for. We moved, which she wanted to do, and I am now living in the spare room feeling like a lodger rather than a husband.

I work 5 weeks away then I have 5 weeks at home. We have phone contact most of the time but she didn't even call me once this last time I was out. I also wrote her a 6 page letter expressing my thoughts and heart to her.

I am not asking for much at all, just a bit of recogniton for what I have done for her over the years. She has hardly ever worked during our marriage as she doesn't have any trade or career qualifications so any work she has had has always been like cleaning houses and stuff. She has completed a certificate in Chaplaincy and she was even offered a position at the high school where our son goes to and to fill in, with full pay, for the existing Chaplain while he went on long service leave. She spends about $200 - $300 a month on medical expenses, alternative therapies.

Sorry but the list can go on. I don't even have enough clothes to go out in. Aaaarggghhh I am just frustrated and feel like I have been kicked in the guts a few too many times. Oh and to mention counselling for the both of us, hhhmmmppppfff forget it. She is seeing a Physcologist and he has recomended EMDR therapy so she is scheduled to get 4 treatments, so she is getting some help, but still.

Sorry it is just I don't have anyone else to talk to.

Thanks :(:whistling:

 

[Deleted member 10645]

Just keep reaching out, one of the most important ways to heal. Do not apologize.

 

[Froggie]

Hi Rune, I think one of the things that you need to do, and you started to do ... is vent out. EMDR has done wonders on many forum members, but it doesn't work on all people. As Steve S. said, keep reaching out. You have a lot on your heart and mind, and things and solutions will be easier found once some of this stuff is off your chest. Keep venting, we'll listen and give you some feedback.

 

[Rune]

Thanks to everybody and thanks for the heads up in relation to the posts. Sorry I am new to this. At the moment I am just trying to keep myself in some kind of balance in regards to being understanding and supportive and not falling into the pit of despair and thinking, "I don't deserve this after 18 faithful years" Stuff it all lets split amicably and go our seperate ways.

To be honest I feel like a lodger in my own house, might I add our brand new house!!! I have moved into the spare room. We have gr8 kids but I am now 46 in good health etc and I want to enjoy life. All be it I wanted to do it with my wife but she has turned against me and I feel can't even stand to be in the same room alone with me.

When is it support and when is it copping abuse hmmm. Can anyone tell me this? In one moment I was being told how much she missed me etc when I was at work for 5 weeks, some affection, kind words and all that stuff and then the next moment it was all stolen from me and replaced with a hatred. Not even talking to me and when she did, it was with disdain in her tone. She can't ask me to do anything only tell me. Like I am some kind of idiot. Yes mmmmm when is it support and when is it abuse?

On another note; my wife has met up with an old boyfriend whom he says broke her heart, then my 8 year old daughter says to me that if she ever had to choose a daddy she would choose Evan who is the old boyfriend. What a kick in the guts that was.

I have confronted this relationship with my wife and she assures me she is not interested but she likes the old schoolyard friendship they have. Mind you he lives 12 hours drive away. Then there are all the phone calls to him. She talks and laughs with him and I have resentment because I used to be the one she would do this with. I am confused.

Would it be a good idea to have an appointment with the same counsellor she is seeing? To be honest I don't need this or deserve this.

I know I am no saint but hey I don't drink, smoke or party. I work hard paying all the bills, cook when I am home, look after the kids, clean the house and am happy to do this. But I am beginning to wonder why and what the heck for. All I desire is a bit of affirmation, a kind word of " hey honey thanks for cleaning the front verandah and getting dinner for the kids and taking our son to music practice" , "Thanks for cooking the chocolate cake" you know not much.
:tdown:
Thanks.

 

[leira]

I think you need to discuss the ex boyfriend relationship. Let her know that while you want her to have an outlet like friends, but it hurts that you don't get to share that side of her as well.

You sound like you are feeling underappreciated, and you're not the first spouse to be taken for granted. The best solution is honest, open, non-angry communication. Let her know what your feelings are, what your needs are. That you aren't mad, you don't want to push her to do more than she can do in regards to her condition, but you need this basic acknowledgement.

I feel bad for some of the things my spouse has put up with, but I've let him know how much I love him and appreciate what he's done, too. That's not impossible to do.