New Army Gf Help With Nightmares

[ohdearx3]

I recently just started dating someone who is in the army. I spent the night with him for the first time last night and he woke up about three times from nightmares. He went to Iraq last year for five months. He is very open with me, he has told me a lot about what happened over there. I have never in my life met a guy who enjoys talking to me so much and who is open with his feelings. We talk about everything. He has told me he never talks about these kind of things with anyone. He told me he loves me first a couple of days ago. I honestly do already love him. During his nightmares i was so clueless on what to do. I have heard that your not suppose to wake them because they could hit you or something. When he woke up and was calm i asked him if i should wake him and he said probably not and then we laughed it off. But what can i do while he is having the nightmares. Do i just sit there and let him or do i comfort him somehow? I don't wanna do anything wrong , or is there anything that can even be done? I believe he has seen a therapist and all but he isn't on medications. he could be but at the time he was given the option of it he didn't want to be. Can anyone give me some advice on what i can do ? and what not to do?

 

[anthony]

But what can i do while he is having the nightmares.

My advice,

As he answered you already, don't wake him, it will only make things worse / endanger you depending on what he is having a nightmare about. I would simply go get yourself a drink, or go to the toilet or such, not in complete darkness either... and let him get through it.

You could maybe even agree to turn the light on and just sit patiently for him to wake. You may just get used to it and rollover and go back to sleep.

Quite honestly, I think the best thing you both have going here, is that he is talking with you about the very things that have affected him badly. That is awesome on his part and for you to listen. Quite honestly, give him a huge congrats from me for being a vet and being so open with you... more should take notice of your boyfriend and start talking with someone they trust... just getting it out is half the battle.

For your own safety though, waking a veteran within a nightmare can often have bad results... because our startle response is pretty active and quick, and before our brain registers where we are, we have punched or strangling our partner. Safety first... nightmares are just that, and they are not a reflection of who your boyfriend is to cause such a reaction, its just the way it is due to military training + nightmare.

Again though... awesome work to you both to be perfectly honest, based on what you have stated above. Just be there for him and don't let him every crawl into a shell and isolate for long periods where he stops talking with you. Seems like a good solid foundation right now for a healthy relationship, even with PTSD.

 

[Kintsugi]

Yes, it sounds like he has already told you how to handle things in terms of interacting with him, so perhaps it is best to just focus on how you're going to cope.

This is not advice, but I will tell you that I am normally violent when woken, especially from nightmares. However, my SO sometimes comforts me verbally while I'm having nightmares, and this seems to help. So he says. He says I relax a lot. He has only told me this after I have talked the next morning about violent nightmares. Verbal communication seems to help me. It may not help him.

 

[femaleveteran]

this is really good information as I have had a few night terrors I guess that i do not remember, particularly while in hospital after surgeries and such....it seems my leg pain really triggers things for me.
I hope that things realllly work out for you guys and like anthony said, thank him for me too for being a veteran and being so open and honest with you. That really helps in these relationship types of things.

 

[MurphyJB]

Hey ohdear, welcome to the forum.
My fiancé is also a combat vet with PTSD.
I'd suggest, as the previous posters, not to wake him.
My fiancé just the other week was having a nightmare, I was awake and moved a bit in bed...that must have startled him because he hit me square in the face. He woke up after and asked if he hurt me, but ha no memory of any of it in the morning.
Best of luck to you and your boyfriend.