Saedhilian
New Here
Hello everyone, I am new here. Decided to join as I am starting to feel uncomfortable in the Facebook support groups I am in. Introductions aren't my forte, but I will do my best.
I grew up in an abusive and neglectful household and have been in and out of hospitals since age 11. I started self-harming at age 10 (learned behavior) after my mother starting dating a man who was very mean and controlling. This led to the first doctor visits and medications and later to hospitalizations. Things got worse as I got older because my mother had a way of twisting reality to make herself the perfect person while I was the scapegoat. I began learning about psychology around age 11, as well, because I wanted to understand what these doctors were talking about. This was also primarily how I learned words for emotions and mental states, which unfortunately did not promote understanding amongst doctors as I thought it would. (It seems easier to use a common language and words to describe things rather than explaining a concept that there is a word for. But apparently using psychology lingo in the presence of those in the field makes them uncomfortable and then they think you're trying to manipulate them or something.)
After 10 years of being in the system and seeing many horrors inside of it, as well as having been in a cult in 2012, I finally broke away from all of it and decided I wanted to be in control of my life. I stopped taking medications and now only use herbal supplements (ie, valerian root, hawthorne berries). Once I broke out of the system, I began researching things for myself because none of the diagnoses I was ever given made sense to me. After doing my research and a lot of thinking, I realized that 1. I have PTSD, which I've known for quite some time and it somehow went unnoticed, and 2. I have Asperger's Syndrome, also undiagnosed due to lack of specialists where I was living. (I started to suspect AS in myself after seeing how similar my roommate, who is on spectrum, and I are. Also, my brother was diagnosed with AS when he was in middle school, and my mother and I both show all of the signs, although in different ways. After realizing that, everything made sense, even looking back on my childhood before all of the worst traumas happened.) My current goals are to seek testing for both of these, as well as finding a good therapist.
Shortly after detaching myself from the MH system, I got my first job and saved up the money to move out of the state I was born in. While this was a good thing for me as it takes me away from so many all-too-familiar places, it has also been hard. I am now living with my boyfriend and am finally in a safe environment, and I think that that is why my symptoms have been acting up so much. It's like my brain is saying, "Here's all that stuff you didn't deal with." I am just very tired of having flashbacks every day and nightmares every night and having to avoid things I like (certain movies, songs, shows, etc) because they remind me too much of bad things that have happened. What I really want in life is to be free of all of this and to be happy, and to not have to worry about something triggering me and sending me into a panic attack or meltdown.
Sorry this was so long; again, introductions are rather difficult for me. Hoping that this is a good place to give and receive support. Thanks for reading. :)
EDIT: Apologies as well if this post is hard to understand at all. I feel like I didn't explain things very well as I don't want to make it too long but there's a lot I want to say.
~Saedhilian
I grew up in an abusive and neglectful household and have been in and out of hospitals since age 11. I started self-harming at age 10 (learned behavior) after my mother starting dating a man who was very mean and controlling. This led to the first doctor visits and medications and later to hospitalizations. Things got worse as I got older because my mother had a way of twisting reality to make herself the perfect person while I was the scapegoat. I began learning about psychology around age 11, as well, because I wanted to understand what these doctors were talking about. This was also primarily how I learned words for emotions and mental states, which unfortunately did not promote understanding amongst doctors as I thought it would. (It seems easier to use a common language and words to describe things rather than explaining a concept that there is a word for. But apparently using psychology lingo in the presence of those in the field makes them uncomfortable and then they think you're trying to manipulate them or something.)
After 10 years of being in the system and seeing many horrors inside of it, as well as having been in a cult in 2012, I finally broke away from all of it and decided I wanted to be in control of my life. I stopped taking medications and now only use herbal supplements (ie, valerian root, hawthorne berries). Once I broke out of the system, I began researching things for myself because none of the diagnoses I was ever given made sense to me. After doing my research and a lot of thinking, I realized that 1. I have PTSD, which I've known for quite some time and it somehow went unnoticed, and 2. I have Asperger's Syndrome, also undiagnosed due to lack of specialists where I was living. (I started to suspect AS in myself after seeing how similar my roommate, who is on spectrum, and I are. Also, my brother was diagnosed with AS when he was in middle school, and my mother and I both show all of the signs, although in different ways. After realizing that, everything made sense, even looking back on my childhood before all of the worst traumas happened.) My current goals are to seek testing for both of these, as well as finding a good therapist.
Shortly after detaching myself from the MH system, I got my first job and saved up the money to move out of the state I was born in. While this was a good thing for me as it takes me away from so many all-too-familiar places, it has also been hard. I am now living with my boyfriend and am finally in a safe environment, and I think that that is why my symptoms have been acting up so much. It's like my brain is saying, "Here's all that stuff you didn't deal with." I am just very tired of having flashbacks every day and nightmares every night and having to avoid things I like (certain movies, songs, shows, etc) because they remind me too much of bad things that have happened. What I really want in life is to be free of all of this and to be happy, and to not have to worry about something triggering me and sending me into a panic attack or meltdown.
Sorry this was so long; again, introductions are rather difficult for me. Hoping that this is a good place to give and receive support. Thanks for reading. :)
EDIT: Apologies as well if this post is hard to understand at all. I feel like I didn't explain things very well as I don't want to make it too long but there's a lot I want to say.
~Saedhilian
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