Relationship New To Ptsd & Intimacy Issues

[brown-eyed-girl]

I have recently started dating one of my high school classmates. We were never an item in high school.

I have been married to very emotionally, mentally and sometimes abusive husband since I graduated in 1995, the last 10 years where hell. I left him and entered counseling as soon as I left him. I got to a great place in my life and I was happy again and then he came along and I fell head over heels for him.

I knew that he had been married and had a daughter and that he has entered the marine corp straight out of high school. I knew he was drawing disability 90% but on voc rehab program so he had a regular job that he went to every day. We talked about some of his issues and why he was 90% disabled and he has not had a girlfriend in a while he liked being alone but something changed with me. He got his 100% disabled letter on my birthday and was excited and so was I.

Being new in relationship with him we have had sex a couple of times and I was finishing up my divorce so we did want to proceed until my divorce was final. My divorce is taking longer than expected.

We have moved in together at the first of this month. We have sex about once a month and that was okay the first couple of months that because we getting to know each other. His sleeping patterns are regular now and he is relaxed and comfortable with me. Now that we live together I just thought that the intimacy would increase. It is hard for me to sleep next to him every night and not want to express how much I love him. It is not just sex to me. I got really frustrated this week and I talked to him about it. He said it started at his first tour in Iraq. He is diagnosed with PTSD, Chronic Fatigue syndrome, TBI. He tried meds and stuff with his wife and nothing helped. His wife was very un-supportive of him and his conditions and it ended with divorce.

He has let me in and we are planning a future together of marriage and possibly a child. He is very affectionate at times but in the bedroom it is very lacking. It is nothing for him be asleep within 5 minutes of being in the bed and I left there to just snuggle to him. My feelings were very hurt and I thought it was me until we talked yesterday. I am trying to be supportive without being needy in the bedroom but it is hard when another month could go by and no sex.

I would be satisfied with no sex if we had other intimacy in the bedroom. The times that we have had sex it was just sex now that we have moved to a different place in our relationship I want to show him how much I love him and I want to make love not just sex. He is not on any meds that would affect him. can anyone help me out? I know sex it is not important but we have everything else but that and it is frustrating at times and it is hard to not think that it is me. I have to keep reminding myself it is the PTSD but it is hard. I love him with all of my heart and I want a future with him and kids.

Help me!

 

[blstrauc]

I totally understand this.
Just keep telling yourself it isn't you.
I have a really difficult time understanding if he doesn't want me. Some days we're so close and in love otherwise that it seems like the thing to do and then he is completely disinterested. He tells me its just not really on his mind that often anymore.

It leaves me feeling rejected a lot, but I've learned that when I'm supportive and don't push the issue, when we do get to that, we have a really good time and we have a lot of fun together.

Try talking to him about it when you aren't "in the moment". Try bringing it up calmly when you haven't been rejected or when he's fallen asleep on you, you will speak much nicer and understanding if your feelings aren't hurting. Tell him how it makes you feel and what he can do/ communicate to you to make it better. Once I tried this, things got better, not perfect, but tolerable.

Hope you find some peace in this situation, as a woman I know feeling this way feels desperate after awhile.

 

[brown-eyed-girl]

We are just going to have to talk more in depth about it and see if we can come to a compromise. He is willing to compromise and take me to his dr and discuss different meds again I just feel selfish about doing that to him. It is just so hard to not show him how much I love him in that way since our relationship has changed from just dating and living in separate places. We live together now and it is frustrating. I know I should be frustrated it is just hard. Everything else is great we are best friends and we have fun together. He completes me all except in the bedroom. I know we are just new in our relationship and he tried to warn me but I guess I just thought that maybe it was not this bad. What man does not want sex is what I kept thinking I guess.

 

[blstrauc]

What man does not want sex is what I kept thinking I guess.

If I had a nickel for every time I've thought this I'd own a mansion...

Do try and talk with him about it when you aren't wound up or feeling rejected. Me and my man did have some little disagreements over this initially because I really didn't understand it and it just made me feel guilty above all.

Once I asked him in a calm way on a calm day what was going on, he explained things to me and seemed more willing to try to get in the mood later that week and since. Its still a struggle sometimes and kills me when I try to look sexy or try and say something flirty to him about it and its ignored, but I'm learning and so is he.

He may have some problems but it doesn't mean you should be left feeling empty, I'm sure you guys will work through, you sound very understanding and full of love.

Since I've talked with him about it he seems more open to being close to me even when he doesn't want sex. He may turn it down but he'll then pull me close and watch a movie with me or something like that, before we talked about it completely though that was not the case.

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me. I know the feeling for sure...

GOOD LUCK!:hug:

 

[brown-eyed-girl]

I am new to this is there a way to chat with you? I would like to.

 

[Jezebel]

I'm going through a version of this too. I admit I don't handle it gracefully. It's hard (for me, at least) to be tactful when I feel hurt that he doesn't find me or the idea of me, I guess, to be desirable. I tend to be blunt about it (re: my now milk-filled boobies: "what do you care, you don't look at them"). I mean honestly, I'm walking around with a great pair of jugs right now and he wants to talk to me about football and doesn't even look at them.

Sigh. I'm trying. We haven't really worked out the sexy times bit yet.

 

[brown-eyed-girl]

How long have y'all been in a your relationships?

 

[blstrauc]

Brown-eyed-girl I'd be happy to chat if you ever want to...message me anytime.

I've been in my relationship for around a year...a little over...we were together a while before it was "official" due to his ptsd.

I'm in the same kind of thing as you...we went to high school together...kinda knew eachother but not really. He went to the marines and I went to college, we got to know eachother after he was back for good.

 

[HopeForever]

I'm glad I came across this..infact, brown eyed girl, when I started reading your post I checked the name because I thought that maybe I posted it but forgot! Its so hard, because when he is in the mood ( which is extremely rare lately)..its the best, most intimate sex of my life. I'm like you, in that its not just the sex, its intimacy, and I can go period of time without sex, if there was intimacy in other ways. I think he's afraid to snuggle, because he doesn't want to lead me on..so I think I am finally ready/have the courage to talk about it with him. That way we can get the "elephant" out of the room, and hopefully he'll feel more comfortable to hold me/love on me and know that I won't always expect more from it..thanks for posting :-)

PS, you are welcome to message me. I too and with a high school friend, after being married.

 

[blstrauc]

Woah, we all have a later in life high school sweetheart thing going on haha:p

 

[PeekieBlue]

I spotted this post just at the right time. Since meeting my man three years ago sex has never been top of the list, on average once a month and although I'm not a sexaholic I would prefer it a little more often. Anyhow, quite new into our relationship I realized my man had PTSD (his background and my training background led to this conclusion, anyhow....) he is now, I'm pleased to say, finally embarking on therapy but whoa, the sex life has dwindled even more so! It's been over three months....NADA!

I am making an effort not to push him as I know this therapy is taking it out of him but it's been hard. I've recently put on a lot of weight and have started telling myself this could be the reason but after reading this great forum I know it's not me. He is always calling me sexy and telling me he loves me so the lack of sex drive is down to the darned PTSD. I shall remain patient to support him during therapy but sometimes you can't help but feel a bit down about it. Glad to read your comments so I know I'm not alone, although I wish we were all "not in the same boat" :)

 

[jkr8789]

Oh my goodness I can't tell y'all how much it helped me today to see this post and read all these responses! I'm so glad to know I'm not alone.

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 yrs, and our sex life/intimacy has always been... lacking. He's not very affectionate and rarely engages in any form of PDA... I guess I've gotten used to that over time. Occasionally he will hold my hand or snuggle with me on the couch... when he does one of those things I feel like I've just won the lottery or something. And then, of course, I realize just how much I wish he would touch me more often. Not even in a sexual way. Just touch me in general. I miss that so much and I find myself always wanting to reach out and touch him. Hold his hand. Hug him. Kiss him. Anything!

Like y'all have already said, I don't think I would miss the sex as much if we were intimate in other ways. We generally have sex 2x a month or so. And when we do it's always after he's had a few drinks... he's not necessarily drunk, but always a little tipsy. At first I didn't notice the pattern. Now I do and it bothers me. The sex is always... well, for lack of a better description, a rough quickie. I want to connect with him intimately on a different level... I love him and I want to show him that through being intimate.

I don't feel like we've ever "made love" and that makes me kind of sad. I know he struggles with intimacy and being close to other people and touching me... I try to be understanding and not push the issue. But it's a big deal to me and I'm not sure I can keep ignoring it for the rest of our lives. Only problem is, I'm not really sure how to go about addressing this.

I saw that a few of y'all have talked to your significant other about this... any ideas about how I should approach this topic? I feel like it's kind of a sensitive subject, especially for guys... I don't want to insult his "manhood" or anything... but I do think we need to talk about it. I just don't know how. Any suggestions?