Relationship New To Ptsd & Intimacy Issues

[xlivingdeadgirl]

Have you tried instigating relations in other places other than the bedroom? He may associate the bed/bedroom as a place of rest more than anything. Just an idea.

 

[phraglern]

Alcohol lows ones inhibitions and the brain operates at more of a limbic level. So a few drinks relaxes him, removes some of the stress. Yet I suspect not completely due to the rushedness you mention. Just a thought...

 

[p-no]

Sincere question: Do you initiate or do you wait for him to initiate? Both cuddling, etc. and sex? I mean, initiate not with words but by, well, starting it off.

As a sufferer I can say that sometimes I don't get how important something is to another when they say it or hint. That is sometimes due to my mind being full dealing with what's going on in everyday life.

 

[NarcSis]

Careful with initiating, be prepared to feel wounded if he physically pushes you/your hands away or grumps angrily at you.

I've been married to a sexually repressive man for 15 years. I developed PTSD only 5 years ago. The intimacy consists of snuggling on my part, with him accepting it. Theres rare sex (not "making love"), he closes his eyes through it. We have sex only when he initiates, on average I'd say we were once a night people at the beginning - for the first two months - then it became once a week, once a month now every few months.

I take care of my own needs because sex isn't everything; I love this man, he loves me and this is what I accept to be with him.

 

[p-no]

That's the 'problem' so to speak: initiating may be the right or wrong thing to do, or be the right thing sometimes and the wrong thing sometimes as well. Besides PTSD, sometimes a person isn't up to sex for other reasons, too.

What I meant by initiating, I'd like to clarify, is this: pass by the other and, e.g. give a hug. Then continue to do something else. Ten minutes later pass by again and give a kiss. Do something else. Then come by, stand behind the person and stroke his hair, for example, for a while. That's about when the lights would go on in my little silly brain. ;) And I might turn around and 'chime in'. Or I might not, if I really weren't in the mood. Just words though, when I'm caught up in life, might not be enough. Also, words form a certain picture in my head and that picture of sex I might not want at all. But those little tender signs of appreciation, for me not too much and not too little, might give me another picture and may lead to sex more slowly, tenderly. A whole other thing for me.

With me, words always form a picture... 'Making love', for example, I can not even think. It's meaningless to me as an expression. Sex does form a picture, one that mostly makes me go 'ugh', although I actually like the real thing. Just saying.

 

[brown-eyed-girl]

I have not posted in a while I have been rather busy.

His PTSD is kicking his butt. My divorce was final from my ex and he made a great valentines meal of steak, shrimp and lobster and we had a great time with friends. But when it came to bed time I tried to initiate sex and he apologized and said that he couldn't. I was so hurt because I was divorced and it was valentines day and it is had almost been a month since we have had sex.

Since then I have talked to one of his friends that is a girl that he confided in and he wanted me to talk to her. She mentioned that we could try toys or sex therapy. I am okay without the sex but I do want intimacy. We can do a lot of things and not have sex. There is switch that is switched off when it comes to sex with him. He admitted that to me after I talked to her. He said I would be a hot Denise Richards and it would not make a difference to him.

I am trying to get him into regular therapy and maybe some EMDR therapy. He made appointments with VA to do therapy but then rescheduled and rescheduled. He knows that he needs help but he thinks he need a therapist that he been to war to talk to and that is just not possible. I have tried to reason with him that someone that has been through what he has can't listen to people retell their stories and help him. He need to go to therapist and de-clutterise his brain first of all then figure out the triggers and get the coping skills that he was never given when he came home so that he can function like a normal adult.

I have looked in to give an hour organization they work with veterans so it is not through the VA system. He has little faith in the VA system.

We talk a on regular basis about everything so we are best friends but before I move forward he has to get help so that he can function properly. He self medicates with beer which is okay until it is excessive. He is never violent but drinks a lot and sleeps a lot. I have told myself that I can't make him want no matter if I put on that sexy lingerie I bought for valentines day or nothing on at all. That switch is turned off for him. He can perform but it is very painful for him. I don't want to put him through any more pain so if I have to I can take care of myself but that at times feels like cheating to me.

I know he is worried in the back of his mind that I will do like his ex wife and go somewhere else for sex but I keep reassuring him that I would never do that. Sex is not important but intimacy is. He has gotten better a cuddling or snuggling with me on couch or in bed before we go to sleep. I want him sexually all of the time but I have learned that his health is more important to me and I need him healthy so we can get married later this year and we can a baby next year.