Hello all!
I'm Anne, I'm 21 years old. I'm not sure how deep of detail to go into for my introduction. I will try to give you all of what I consider to be the most important points in my story with trauma to avoid any possible confusion in my interactions on the site.
I have spent hours writing my introduction but I am very scared of being judged, triggering others, or having it somehow come back to hurt me (which I know is such a ridiculous fear.) So here it is, I genuinely tried to make it as short as possible!
I have been diagnosed with PTSD twice in my life. The first time I was 14 and the second time was a few years ago. I still struggle with the origin of my first diagnosis of PTSD because I can't clearly recall which of any number of life events or memories were the most painful at the time. Maybe it's a blend of it all. So here come all of the traumatic types of events that could have caused it originally. I was touched inappropriately by three people in my childhood, I was physically injured as well all three times. A plane and a helicopter collided mid-air and crashed into the playground two blocks from my home when I was three (I remember the ground rippling and the terror everyone was in.) Seven people were killed in the crash. In my childhood I was preoccupied and terrified of death. I thought about it a lot and was scared I would die or those I loved would die.
I started going to therapy between five and six for night terrors. The adults in my life said they felt I went through my first depression when I was in kindergarten (which is an unfounded claim because it is not like a professional diagnosed this but what I mean when I say this is that I have known sadness very well from the start.) I was bullied in school for many years (originally started as phsyical beatings at one school then after I left to go to another the bullying became emotional.) The most notable of the physical injuries is my biggest flashback/body memory that I still currently experience (strangulation.) I was in second grade at the time.
The emotional bullying when I was in middle school/high school really hammered in a deeply held believe that most people are truly not good people and do not have good intentions. I have always felt different from everyone else and not connected to the rest of the world until the last few years. I still feel a great disconnect from the rest of the world sometimes. Anyway, I went through my first eating disorder episode when I was in 7th grade. By 8th grade I was having frequent active suicide ideation and a first real depression. By 9th grade I discovered I am not straight which opened up a whole new can of worms. My mother emotionally abused me for years after discovering I was attracted to girls (regularly calling me slur terms, guilting me about how it would be my fault if my father lost his job, threatening to cut me out of the family, out of her life, send me away, etc.) She still hurts me but we have found a much happier place now. In 10th grade I had another episode of an eating disorder. In 11th grade I had my biggest episode of depression, I stopped going to school many days because I could not get out of bed. I also was having major problems with anxiety (anxiety attacks when I tried to get out of the car at school on the days I managed to get out of bed.) Senior year I had problems with depression but I also had a beautiful relationship with an amazing boy who brought real happiness to my life.
I left for college and my first week on campus I was raped by someone I had trusted and had feelings for before it happened. I didn't understand what had happened to me. I blacked out the next day when a girl who was interested in me kissed me. I came to some time later in her room and she told me we had been fooling around when I was confused about what had happened. During this time in my life I had more episodes of depression too obviously. I self medicated in really unhealthy ways in the hopes it would kill me. I dated the person who raped me for nearly a month after it happened. I honestly had no idea the true nature of what happened to me. I had major problems with guilt and thought it was all my fault. I ended up completely losing it one night and realizing that something terrible had happened to me though I still didn't understand what. I came home and worked for a little while, a little bit of therapy here and there, but didn't make any progress. I fell in love with a beautiful girl while I was home who I am still with and who has brought such joy to my life as well. The next summer I tried to return to the same college and see if I could tackle my problems and still go to school there (I really wanted to go to this college.) This attempt failed miserably. I began having flashbacks around then too, I stopped leaving my dorm room at times, I drank heavily. This was when I really began making sense of the fact that I was raped. Suddenly one day I said it to someone that was asking me why I left the first time and I realized what I had finally admitted and didn't try to explain it in some abstract term like I always had before (though I still struggle back and forth when by brain tries to convince itself that I have made it all up and none of it is true. I still have major guilt problems that I am a "liar" for what happened to me.)
I returned back to my hometown for good and began college at another university. At this school I had the biggest of my anxiety episodes. I couldn't leave my room again for close to three weeks unless my girlfriend was picking me up to take me away from campus. It was horrible. I ended up in therapy again for anxiety (with my original therapist from when I was 14.) She and I have built a great therapeutic relationship and she is someone who has really impacted my life for the better. EMDR has also helped me immensely.
I have been relatively anxiety-free for some time with only a few smaller episodes of depression in the last two years (this is my second year of living on my own in an apartment with my girlfriend.) But in the last week I have suddenly been experiencing flashbacks again to being strangled as a child and all of the emotional pain of being severely bullied. The flashbacks and the feelings of anxiety have been somewhat overpowering in the last week. Before this series of flashbacks happened I had not had a flashback since 2008 (those flashbacks were detailed body memories of being raped. I used to re-experience that night fairly often emotionally, now I rarely do though I still have some unresolved issues.)
One of the flashbacks I had this week was incredibly powerful and caught me completely off guard. It happened when friends of ours were over and it was extremely embarassing. The flashback I had this week was primarily body memory of being strangled and beaten. My memory of what was happening was also altered. My girlfriend has told me later that I was crying for hours and was hitting myself for a few parts to it. This week I have had an explosion in the number of dreams I have been having and the number of nightmares.
I kind of thought I was in the clear when it came to such overpowering and intense flashbacks because I haven't had one in so long but now I am kind of scared of what else is yet to come on this journey. I am thankful to be in therapy and for the most part I am extremely high functioning. I get nearly straight A's in school and don't have a problem doing most of the things in life I have to do, I have great passions for art, reading, and sewing, and I have fantastic relationships with my girlfriend and with my sister. I consider myself very lucky to be high functioning but I have also worked really hard to get there.
I guess now that I've introduced myself you will soon be seeing questions from me about specific situations others have had experience with in the hopes of getting some advice.
If you've made it this far down the post you really deserve a treat! I hope I didn't make any errors that warrant a warning! I am so sorry if I did but will understand if you have to give me a warning.
Thank you to everyone for reading and for being a part of the site and sharing your stories. I've been reading the site for the past few days and I have already gained so much from all of you. Thank you!
Best wishes,
-Anne
I'm Anne, I'm 21 years old. I'm not sure how deep of detail to go into for my introduction. I will try to give you all of what I consider to be the most important points in my story with trauma to avoid any possible confusion in my interactions on the site.
I have spent hours writing my introduction but I am very scared of being judged, triggering others, or having it somehow come back to hurt me (which I know is such a ridiculous fear.) So here it is, I genuinely tried to make it as short as possible!
I have been diagnosed with PTSD twice in my life. The first time I was 14 and the second time was a few years ago. I still struggle with the origin of my first diagnosis of PTSD because I can't clearly recall which of any number of life events or memories were the most painful at the time. Maybe it's a blend of it all. So here come all of the traumatic types of events that could have caused it originally. I was touched inappropriately by three people in my childhood, I was physically injured as well all three times. A plane and a helicopter collided mid-air and crashed into the playground two blocks from my home when I was three (I remember the ground rippling and the terror everyone was in.) Seven people were killed in the crash. In my childhood I was preoccupied and terrified of death. I thought about it a lot and was scared I would die or those I loved would die.
I started going to therapy between five and six for night terrors. The adults in my life said they felt I went through my first depression when I was in kindergarten (which is an unfounded claim because it is not like a professional diagnosed this but what I mean when I say this is that I have known sadness very well from the start.) I was bullied in school for many years (originally started as phsyical beatings at one school then after I left to go to another the bullying became emotional.) The most notable of the physical injuries is my biggest flashback/body memory that I still currently experience (strangulation.) I was in second grade at the time.
The emotional bullying when I was in middle school/high school really hammered in a deeply held believe that most people are truly not good people and do not have good intentions. I have always felt different from everyone else and not connected to the rest of the world until the last few years. I still feel a great disconnect from the rest of the world sometimes. Anyway, I went through my first eating disorder episode when I was in 7th grade. By 8th grade I was having frequent active suicide ideation and a first real depression. By 9th grade I discovered I am not straight which opened up a whole new can of worms. My mother emotionally abused me for years after discovering I was attracted to girls (regularly calling me slur terms, guilting me about how it would be my fault if my father lost his job, threatening to cut me out of the family, out of her life, send me away, etc.) She still hurts me but we have found a much happier place now. In 10th grade I had another episode of an eating disorder. In 11th grade I had my biggest episode of depression, I stopped going to school many days because I could not get out of bed. I also was having major problems with anxiety (anxiety attacks when I tried to get out of the car at school on the days I managed to get out of bed.) Senior year I had problems with depression but I also had a beautiful relationship with an amazing boy who brought real happiness to my life.
I left for college and my first week on campus I was raped by someone I had trusted and had feelings for before it happened. I didn't understand what had happened to me. I blacked out the next day when a girl who was interested in me kissed me. I came to some time later in her room and she told me we had been fooling around when I was confused about what had happened. During this time in my life I had more episodes of depression too obviously. I self medicated in really unhealthy ways in the hopes it would kill me. I dated the person who raped me for nearly a month after it happened. I honestly had no idea the true nature of what happened to me. I had major problems with guilt and thought it was all my fault. I ended up completely losing it one night and realizing that something terrible had happened to me though I still didn't understand what. I came home and worked for a little while, a little bit of therapy here and there, but didn't make any progress. I fell in love with a beautiful girl while I was home who I am still with and who has brought such joy to my life as well. The next summer I tried to return to the same college and see if I could tackle my problems and still go to school there (I really wanted to go to this college.) This attempt failed miserably. I began having flashbacks around then too, I stopped leaving my dorm room at times, I drank heavily. This was when I really began making sense of the fact that I was raped. Suddenly one day I said it to someone that was asking me why I left the first time and I realized what I had finally admitted and didn't try to explain it in some abstract term like I always had before (though I still struggle back and forth when by brain tries to convince itself that I have made it all up and none of it is true. I still have major guilt problems that I am a "liar" for what happened to me.)
I returned back to my hometown for good and began college at another university. At this school I had the biggest of my anxiety episodes. I couldn't leave my room again for close to three weeks unless my girlfriend was picking me up to take me away from campus. It was horrible. I ended up in therapy again for anxiety (with my original therapist from when I was 14.) She and I have built a great therapeutic relationship and she is someone who has really impacted my life for the better. EMDR has also helped me immensely.
I have been relatively anxiety-free for some time with only a few smaller episodes of depression in the last two years (this is my second year of living on my own in an apartment with my girlfriend.) But in the last week I have suddenly been experiencing flashbacks again to being strangled as a child and all of the emotional pain of being severely bullied. The flashbacks and the feelings of anxiety have been somewhat overpowering in the last week. Before this series of flashbacks happened I had not had a flashback since 2008 (those flashbacks were detailed body memories of being raped. I used to re-experience that night fairly often emotionally, now I rarely do though I still have some unresolved issues.)
One of the flashbacks I had this week was incredibly powerful and caught me completely off guard. It happened when friends of ours were over and it was extremely embarassing. The flashback I had this week was primarily body memory of being strangled and beaten. My memory of what was happening was also altered. My girlfriend has told me later that I was crying for hours and was hitting myself for a few parts to it. This week I have had an explosion in the number of dreams I have been having and the number of nightmares.
I kind of thought I was in the clear when it came to such overpowering and intense flashbacks because I haven't had one in so long but now I am kind of scared of what else is yet to come on this journey. I am thankful to be in therapy and for the most part I am extremely high functioning. I get nearly straight A's in school and don't have a problem doing most of the things in life I have to do, I have great passions for art, reading, and sewing, and I have fantastic relationships with my girlfriend and with my sister. I consider myself very lucky to be high functioning but I have also worked really hard to get there.
I guess now that I've introduced myself you will soon be seeing questions from me about specific situations others have had experience with in the hopes of getting some advice.
If you've made it this far down the post you really deserve a treat! I hope I didn't make any errors that warrant a warning! I am so sorry if I did but will understand if you have to give me a warning.
Thank you to everyone for reading and for being a part of the site and sharing your stories. I've been reading the site for the past few days and I have already gained so much from all of you. Thank you!
Best wishes,
-Anne
