No More Money, No More Therapy (for Now)

[Hashi]

I bet you will do great at your appointment.

I really hope it went OK today

Thank you both for your good wishes.

Unfortunately it went horribly, but not because of talking about trauma. We got caught up in yet another communication issue and the whole session got derailed. I don't think it's going to go into either of our Top Ten Great Therapy Sessions lists.

It's worse than that, though. I realised it was so very bad because I'm too stressed about money to benefit from therapy now. I'm out of work with psychological issues, health issues and burnout from my last, awful work situation. I've been trying to find ways to keep paying for therapy because I don't know how I'll cope without it. I'd also hoped that working through some issues would help me get to a point where I could be starting work again now. My issues haven't co-operated, so that hasn't happened.

I'm now so worried about money I can't handle any kind of upset or detour in therapy. All I can think about is how much it's costing. If my therapist even asks me to clarify something I've already said, I start seeing pound signs. But clarification and upsets and detours are part of the process, so I'm stuffed.

I have to admit that I can't afford therapy any longer. I have to take a break until I'm working again. I'm going to have to try to find work even though I don't feel able to. I'll have cope without therapy, that I don't think I can cope without. I'm feeling more than a little sorry for myself.

I'll just have to accept it, get through this time and get back into therapy when I have a job again. I'm not looking forward to talking about trauma while working in a new job, but I did it before. I do think talking is the way through and I feel really bad to be "given a reprieve" from it.

piratelady, you're holding the torch for us now! Not to put any pressure on, or anything ;) Much more seriously, I hope your session goes OK. Stay safe.

 

[Pencil]

I have to admit that I can't afford therapy any longer. I have to take a break until I'm working again. I'm going to have to try to find work even though I don't feel able to. I'll have cope without therapy, that I don't think I can cope without. I'm feeling more than a little sorry for myself.

I really feel for you - this is exactly where I was in January.

 

[rightkindofme]

I am not "really" in the same boat financially. I can afford therapy. But sometimes in order to do so I have to give up a whole bunch of other things and I'm frank with my therapist that sometimes I can handle that and sometimes I can't. Sometimes the idea of not getting to leave my house for anything other than therapy in a month because things are tight money wise is the reason my symptoms all flair at once only I'm terribly therapy resistant.

It is a really hard spot to be in.

I have started going every other week for financial reasons and I check in with my therapist by email before the appointment so I don't have to spend our short time together doing "how are you doing?" Conversation. I only talk in therapy about what I am emotionally in the middle of. I simply can't do therapist directed " now lets move on to the next trauma on the list!" Kinda stuff.

My therapist is huge on EMDR but she often sees patients two or three times a week while doing intensive EMDR for half or two-thirds of the visits. I just can't afford that.

 

[quaintpapercut]

Hi Hashi - I'm sorry your feeling so stressed about money. Are you able to bring this up to your therapist? Is there anyway she can offer you therapy on a sliding scale so you can have more sessions? At the very least I would let her know (if you haven't already) that your going to have to take a break from therapy for financial reasons. If your easily destabilized right now I hope she wouldn't just let you walk away :(

I know how overwhelming it can be when your dealing with not working, psychological issues and the thought of having to look for new work, meet new people, learn a new system etc... I'm on borrowed time right now as well. I have until the end of summer before I run out of money and will have to look for work again. The thought terrifies me because I have no idea how I will be able to cope with the outside world on a daily basis while also trying to manage my symptoms. To be frank, I don't think I'll be able to do it so I'm really hoping things work out with my insurance company (my matter is under appeal).

Also, were you insured prior to leaving your current position? Have you explored trying to apply for benefits even though your no longer employed with them? As your condition was pre-existing you could probably argue that the stress of your departure and the way things were handled triggered your symptoms.

I can technically afford therapy right now as well, but it also means no extras for me. No clothing, make-up, shoes or dinners out. It's a really tough sacrifice sometimes.

 

[Pencil]

If your easily destabilized right now I hope she wouldn't just let you walk away

Mine did :)

 

[quaintpapercut]

Well he/she sucks!

Silliness aside, I think it was professionally irresponsible for her to do such a thing. I know when I've talked about the idea of stopping therapy all together my therapist has expressed, that based on my symptoms that he has a professional obligation to make sure I have some form of treatment - even if it was students or whatever. Not ideal but something.

 

[Hashi]

Thanks, Pencil, rightkindofme and quaintpapercut.

QPC, thank you for your suggestions too. Health insurance/benefits are less usual here in the UK, and I had nothing. I was given a decent redundancy deal (aka hush money) considering my employers' limited resources, and that's how I've been able to continue with therapy up to now. I hadn't expected to still be out of work at this point. I really relate to what you say, also anxiety is making it hard for me to leave the house. I feel unemployable. It's really worrying. At least once I start looking for work I can sign on for state benefits, but that won't cover therapy. I'm sorry you're in a similar position and hope the insurance comes through for you.

It hadn't occurred to me that my therapist might feel a responsibility for me. I've emailed her and she said she understood my situation and we'd talk about it next week. I said it was financial. I thought about asking for a sliding scale or something, but I still couldn't afford that. The travel is expensive too. I should have asked about the possibility of a reduced fee some time ago, but didn't know things were going to end up like this. Now, I'd have to ask for a refund lol. :eek:

 

[Abstract]

I don't have time now Hashi but :(

 

[Pencil]

Hashi, I don't get the impression that you have an emotional response to not being able to afford therapy, and so my question might be ... erm ... stupid. But do you feel let down by her, irrationally, or not? Or sad, or any other irrational feeling?

 

[Hashi]

I'm going through a lot of emotions, but haven't really posted about them. A couple of days ago I wrote her an unsent letter to try to work through some of the feelings and I ended up typing 6 pages of A4.

I have expected feelings to do with being left alone with everything, wondering how I'll cope, and concern about interrupting trauma work that I need to do in order to move forward. I wrote a lot about how much my therapist has done for me and meant to me.

These feelings are confused by a lot of things. Particularly my anxiety over money. I have overriding relief not to be paying any more.

I also have anger related to stuff from recent sessions (her stuff, not mine) which has done some damage to my trust and my belief that she's the right person to see... and then I feel fear because if she's not, it's hard to see who would be. That's when I really feel lost and abandoned.

Then there would be the jealousy I feel that she's psychologically OK and I'm not, she has money and I don't, she feels safe and I feel unsafe, I need her and she doesn't need me.... I could go on for ever. Jealousy is my specialist subject.

I'm also very aware of the difference between this and when I had to stop seeing my first trauma therapist, who I loved but had to stop seeing at a point when I was very vulnerable. The circumstances were upsetting in themselves due to someone else's mismanagement, and I couldn't have any contact with the therapist ever again. That was devastating, and although I've recovered from it I don't think I'll ever forget how it felt. In comparison this just can't feel that bad, because the possibility of seeing my therapist again in future is still there, and although I'm still quite a mess I'm nothing like the mess I was the previous time.

In addition, despite the recent issues, at our last session my therapist was really good at giving me things to hold onto and help me get through. Really good is an understatement. She tapped into exactly what I needed and left me connected to that. (I knew I was seeing her for a reason...)

In my other thread about contact while not able to afford therapy, Abstract said:

I cannot tell from what you said but it is also worthwhile considering some other possible simultaneous influences in situations such as this:
* Subconscious pushing away from the therapist as a means of feeling safer.
* Pushing away the positive of the therapist as means to feel less pained about distance. In other words splitting.

I'm actually doing both these things consciously as well, because that's how I tend to operate.

I don't think I can explain it very well, but when it comes to healing I also have a kind of ruthlessness that isn't just avoidance, blocking feelings or splitting. A sort of absolute determination. I'll do what I have to do to heal. So I have to get on with it. But yes, there are a lot of emotions and I’m having to look at those and feel the sick scared sadness of not seeing her any more.

 

[Pencil]

I also have anger related to stuff from recent sessions (her stuff, not mine) which has done some damage to my trust and my belief that she's the right person to see... and then I feel fear because if she's not, it's hard to see who would be. That's when I really feel lost and abandoned.

I'm off to bed - absolutely exhausted, so I can't respond properly to your post now, but just wanted to say that the paragraph quoted is EXACTLY how I felt in January, but couldn't describe the mixture of two upsets very well.

I'll come back to this in the morning.

 

[Rumors]

Hang in there!