DiamondBug
Bronze Member
I have suffered from what I've been told are flashbacks for about 10 years, sometimes daily, sometimes I get a day or two off, maybe a week off but rarely. I don't know whether I have had them for such a long time because I was so young (just turned 11) when this happened and no one really knows about it. I wanted to share what I experience to get insight whether this is normal or not for flashbacks.
I get really embarrassed about them, so I haven't properly spoke about them yet with my t. I almost see the flashbacks as a weakness. I don't know why. My flashbacks normally can last for a couple of seconds sometimes, but I'd say they are about a minute on average, but feel like years.
I never visually saw any of my attack. I was knocked out and my whole head was completely covered, before they did anything. I can't tell you how terrifying that it is. I can remember coming around and thinking it was 1 boy until realised through touch it was at least 3 grown men.
I fought until I lost consciousness, regained it again and carried on fighting. Realistically I saw no chance of survival, I was almost happy to die. I fought because I wasnt willing to die as prey and be found in such a degrading way.
I can be anywhere, doing anything and my mind just gets taken over. I can't see anything when it happens, only what I'm remembering. Which is darkness. All I see is black and flashes of white and red. I'm disoriented. It's a nightmare that I don't wake up from. I reach forward and nothing is there. I close my eyes and it carries on. I break into a cold sweat. Sometimes I sink to the floor gasping for breath. Smelling blood. My face contorts and twitches. I can physically feel what they did to me. I can hear my attempt of screaming. I can feel them around me. I have felt everything again. I try and defend myself from the stabs and hold my breath and not bite down on the fabric in my mouth when they waterboard me, but it happens regardless.
Completely helpless. I can hear them talking, muffled and slow motion, almost. Words I will never erase. A man is leaning over me. I freeze. I feel slight hope. I don't know if he's already raped me but he isn't moving now, so maybe I'm safe. I can hear them arguing because he said he couldn't rape me and he thought I was going to die, I thought this is my chance, I grabbed his top, I kept a hold of him almost to use him as a shield. I grabbed his collar, pulling him closer, his face smacked into mine, his breathing sounded like a sob and he face wet the fabric on my face, I'm sure he was crying. He was pushing me away. I was begging him. Please. Make it stop. Don't let them do it. Don't let him touch me. Please. Don't leave me here. Just stay. I need you. Useless pleading. I couldn't hear the mans voice anymore. I was still searching for the familiar fabric of his top with my hands. I never felt it again. Just cold rough big hands. It continued until I was left for dead by them. Covered in blood, sick, clumps of my hair and god knows what.
I don't know whether all that's normal for flashbacks, obviously each time it's only a small snippet of what I've wrote about. I don't know whether they feel more scary because I sometimes completely lose my sight, other times I'm completely aware of what's happening around me. I flashback about other worse bits but I think those bits are too much to talk about right now. When I flashback its like I'm in the real inescapable event, the only thing that's different if I speak in the present while having a flashback I can hear what I'm saying now but I can still hear what I was actually saying as a kid if that makes sense? Thanks for reading
I get really embarrassed about them, so I haven't properly spoke about them yet with my t. I almost see the flashbacks as a weakness. I don't know why. My flashbacks normally can last for a couple of seconds sometimes, but I'd say they are about a minute on average, but feel like years.
I never visually saw any of my attack. I was knocked out and my whole head was completely covered, before they did anything. I can't tell you how terrifying that it is. I can remember coming around and thinking it was 1 boy until realised through touch it was at least 3 grown men.
I fought until I lost consciousness, regained it again and carried on fighting. Realistically I saw no chance of survival, I was almost happy to die. I fought because I wasnt willing to die as prey and be found in such a degrading way.
I can be anywhere, doing anything and my mind just gets taken over. I can't see anything when it happens, only what I'm remembering. Which is darkness. All I see is black and flashes of white and red. I'm disoriented. It's a nightmare that I don't wake up from. I reach forward and nothing is there. I close my eyes and it carries on. I break into a cold sweat. Sometimes I sink to the floor gasping for breath. Smelling blood. My face contorts and twitches. I can physically feel what they did to me. I can hear my attempt of screaming. I can feel them around me. I have felt everything again. I try and defend myself from the stabs and hold my breath and not bite down on the fabric in my mouth when they waterboard me, but it happens regardless.
Completely helpless. I can hear them talking, muffled and slow motion, almost. Words I will never erase. A man is leaning over me. I freeze. I feel slight hope. I don't know if he's already raped me but he isn't moving now, so maybe I'm safe. I can hear them arguing because he said he couldn't rape me and he thought I was going to die, I thought this is my chance, I grabbed his top, I kept a hold of him almost to use him as a shield. I grabbed his collar, pulling him closer, his face smacked into mine, his breathing sounded like a sob and he face wet the fabric on my face, I'm sure he was crying. He was pushing me away. I was begging him. Please. Make it stop. Don't let them do it. Don't let him touch me. Please. Don't leave me here. Just stay. I need you. Useless pleading. I couldn't hear the mans voice anymore. I was still searching for the familiar fabric of his top with my hands. I never felt it again. Just cold rough big hands. It continued until I was left for dead by them. Covered in blood, sick, clumps of my hair and god knows what.
I don't know whether all that's normal for flashbacks, obviously each time it's only a small snippet of what I've wrote about. I don't know whether they feel more scary because I sometimes completely lose my sight, other times I'm completely aware of what's happening around me. I flashback about other worse bits but I think those bits are too much to talk about right now. When I flashback its like I'm in the real inescapable event, the only thing that's different if I speak in the present while having a flashback I can hear what I'm saying now but I can still hear what I was actually saying as a kid if that makes sense? Thanks for reading
