Nu-uh. Not Again.

[Upside Down Eagle]

I am on this dating site. And I have gotten a couple of contacts off it. Mainly people in my area whom I have become acquainted with, but am not romantically interested in. I'm relatively new in this city so new friends are always great.

Of course now and then I will come across a dude I think I like. Last time, the polygamous guy, whom of course I didn't get together with because sincerely, polygamy doesn't mix well with me and it doesn't mix well with PTSD either.

But I did feel, at one point, very needy even towards him. I attach to people fast. Much faster than I want to. Actually, like I said before in a thread around here, it took me four years to get over a man I had been with only a couple of months. And it was pretty traumatic. Very painful. (I have been diagnosed with BPD in the past, so it fits in the picture).

Now there's this new guy and he's kind of touchy-feely. We apped yesterday, and in the morning he apped me "good morning". Now this may be a good thing but frankly my reaction is to run away really fast. I don't like it when they get all loving, because then the chance is big that I'll get attached to them. And in my experience, when I get attached people always end up abandoning me. It has been proven.

I need to find some kind of way to stay totally cool when a guy is really loving towards me.
Does anybody else get this? How do you deal with it?

 

[Friday]

Honestly... I dont believe in faking it. It teaches bad sexual habits if they think I'm having more fun than I am, and it's perilously close to 'bait & switch' in other aspects of relationships. (Presenting yourself as one way in order to snare someone, and manipulate them into doing things, while actually feeling/thinking/needing something entirely different).

The caveat on this is if I'm trying to be different (fake it till you make it style), I'll be up front about that. But that means I'm still being honest with them.

I'm a touchy freely kind of person. There are people out there even beyond my comfort zone. Okay. Dude. You're totally not for me. Good to know! For both our sakes!!! There are people out there who don't meet my minimum standards for how much touchy feely I need to be happy. That's nothing wrong with either of us. We just have different levels of oomph we need in our loves. Same as with the bloke who is too much for me. Whether he's too much for me, or I'm too much for someone else? Shrug. That's just us being us, and being fine. Nothing wrong with differences.

That's the whole "be yourself" thing in relationships. There are dozens if not hundreds of aspects to each of our personalities! What we want and desire out of life. And most of those facets have spectrums. What I need, like, can tolerate, do not like, am not gonna deal with for any reason. On top of that, we all prioritize differently. Which of those aspects get top billing?

Relationships are about lining those things up, you know? When it's not working for one person? Long term it wouldn't work for either.

You don't like the morning text from this guy. That's okay. That's nothing wrong with you. You don't have to change yourself to suit his spectrum of wants.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

It's not about the relationship itself. It's about getting attached to people whom I barely know. I don't want to do that.
After I got attached to the dude I ended up sour over for four years, I have learned my lesson a little bit, I am way more hesitant and hold back now when anyone's real sweet to me yet barely know me.

My mind is very geared towards immediately plunging into feelings of affection and I don't want to do that. It would be better for me to just stay cool-headed until I have a fair judgement of who somebody is, because I keep doing this, and I keep getting scr*wed, pardon the word :P

The one method that I have found to be cool headed is to think about something else I'm interested in. Like aviation. And to remind myself that these people are just interesting people, but not The Prince On The White Horse Who Is Going To Make It All Better. I need to be realistic and realize that these are people with flaws too and not hopelessly fall for them.

 

[illusionist]

Going by my own experiences on dating sites.....if he doesn't know me how the fook can they have feelings etc....they are falling for their illusion not the reality....so straight away I could see through them. Once they started giving me all the romantic stuff I was off. Love grows in a face to face relationship.....Not in the dreams of a person's mind....sorry but they are needy people....I'm not that special, I'm just anybody to them. We can reverse that if it's the other way around.
We need to look at why we are being needy ( been there) and sort it out. It's a learning curb really, I eventually found a balance.....enjoy conversations with the person, enjoy their online company but the reality is on meeting them.

 

[Anarchy]

I've zero personal experience with dating sites

I've a couple of friends who have fallen foul of parasitic characters who seem to live on the sites, and live off playing with the emotions and generosity of the genuine people who go there.

One of them has spent over a year and a half getting some very subtle gas lighting, then getting abandoned, then re contacted for more and abandoned again. Result - big depression, wasted over a year at college in a totally un-productive state, suicidal ideation. and still gets contacted by the parasite when it wants another fix of narcissistic supply.

The sites seem to allow the parasites to find a constant and plentiful supply of victims to abuse.

please take care.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have no experience with dating sites but my daughter has and she has found a really good guy.

Personally when I am desperately needy, I am very vulnerable and I find that I am an easy target.

When my husband died I had no friends and this woman attached herself to me and preyed upon me for what stuff she could get from me. I did not realize this for a year and a half and I cut her out of my life.

Just beware that when you are desperately needy it is a set up for all kinds of predators on you.

I know how that hurts so much and I wish the very best for you in picking your own friends who will not hurt or use or abandon you again.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

The dating site is okay I guess. I have some experience at that front and by now I know how to navigate past the creeps. The polygamous guy may have his differences with me but he's not a creep, he's becoming rather a nice friend.

Actually, I have had way more trouble with guys that I have met in real life :D. The ones that I have fished off of dating sites over the years always made a better pick than the ones I picked up offline somehow. The guy that I spend so much time trying to "shake" out of my head, luckily he wasn't a predator of any kind, and he didn't want anything from me. Maybe that was my problem. He cut me loose just like that and after that I never saw him again.

if he doesn't know me how the fook can they have feelings etc.

Yeah exactly! What's that about? Some people just seem really confident with me, and I guess that startles me. I have a real life date with him on Sunday and I'm just gonna keep distant until that time I guess.