Parts Still In Irac

[hopefloats]

I am basically writing this post as a last resort to reach out to my husband who has shut down.

I have been doing intensive research recently into this matter. My troubled marriage is what has basically sent me to the internet to learn everything out there about PTSD. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, and we have been married for 3. He is my best friend. We have had our share of troubles, but nothing prepared me for this. In 2009 he was called to duty with the Army Reserve. He served for 13 months. He returned home in November of 2010, and I was so excited to finally begin our future. In the two years that have passed we have been separated twice due to the stresses of life. He was diagnosed with PTSD and depression about 6 months ago. I truly think that he cannot communicate with me.

I am writing you because I am very worried about his quality of life if he does not talk to someone. Since he has been home, I have watched him gradually shut down. It took us a month apart to finally realize that constantly texting my emotions isn't doing anything but hurting us both. In the past, he has expressed that he feels at war with himself. He has broken down on few occasions. The lack of emotion is the worst for both of us, I think. When he told me these things I heard him, but I just didn't "get it". My research has opened my eyes to the fact that there is a bigger problem than my marriage.

I don't expect him to know what to say or feel. I think that his approach has been to ignore it, and it isn't working. I expressed my realization to him. While he wants to say that he is fine, I can hear in his voice that he isn't. Our mutual friends say he is pretty much ignoring them too.He works out of town and is in a hotel room during the week. I fear that if he tries to battle this alone, it won't end well. I have educated myself, but I do not understand it. I want to reach out to someone who knows the "feeling" of PTSD...or lack thereof.

I know no one else who personally knows what it feels like to bring home a war. He has agreed to talk to me this weekend. I know that there are no magic words. If anyone can give me any piece of insight into how I can break through his detached state, I would appreciate it more than you know.

 

[99Phoenix99]

From the sounds of it you're going to have a ... difficult weekend if you're going to discuss this. So off the bat I'm going to wish you the best of luck.

While I can't give you an exact gist of how he feels, because it greatly differs from person to person, I can at least tell you how I've been and hopefully that'll help a bit.

As for the lack of emotion: For me... it was a bitter sweet thing. On one hand I hated it. I felt so detached. I was in a fog. And was just going through the motions of living. And what was especially terrible was at times I recognized just how numb I was. How unnatural it was to feel nothing doing something I used to love. And it tore me up inside. I couldn't figure out WHY I didn't care. Now I'm talking about simple pleasures in life. Watching movies, bowling, seeing friends, hell I was even indifferent to my dog. It wasn't that I was especially sad, certainly I was somber, but I wasn't crying. I just ... existed.

However, like I said on the other hand I was glad I was numb because the alternative was unbearable. I couldn't function. So engrossed with flashes of the past I was crippled. I couldn't even talk at those times. I knew exactly what I wanted to say but everything got caught in my throat and all I could barely do was breathe. And I would seclude myself for hours even days.

Being numb... was safe.

Being numb, while it wasn't enjoyable, at least protected me from feeling terror and wretchedness.

And, again I can't speak for him, but I think an important aspect to consider is his sense of pride. For me, I had always been proud of myself. I had always been in control of myself. Sure I was emotional but I had never been a drama queen. And then all of the sudden... I lost all control over my emotions. I had never experienced anything like that. And it was like losing yourself without knowing how or why. You just know that after you break down you feel ashamed of yourself. You can't believe that you've become THAT person. And you keep telling yourself that you should be able to handle it. And yet time and time again you lose control. Eventually you don't even know who you are anymore. And you lose confidence in yourself. And that truth is like a sucker punch. Even though you know it's true you deny it. Because if you admit to it... then who are you?

And for me, what was worse than breaking down, was the possibility of someone seeing me break down. Because despite their saying "they won't judge you. That they won't see you any differently" my mind couldn't accept that. Of course they'd see me differently. I'd think, they'd think less of me. Even if they said they didn't ... I just couldn't understand how they couldn't see less of me.

So I isolated myself. Tried to self soothe.

But eventually I realized I was only getting worse and that I needed help. Because that numbness was wearing off. The thing that was keeping me safe was leaving me. And I was emotionally volatile. I could be perfectly content once second and then a split second later on the verge of hyperventilating.

It was terrible. Admitting to myself that I needed help. I found a therapist and even then it took me months to admit how broken I felt. It's only just now that I've really opened up to my therapist, after nearly 5 months. And it's only just recently that I've even admitted to close friends that I've been seeking help.

 

[discarded]

Hi Hopefloats

You are so loyal and brave, you deserve a big pat on the back for sticking by your man and continuing to care for him and about him. I hope he opens up to you and more than anything I hope you are prepared for what you may have to cope with. I will be thinking of you.

Discarded

 

[discarded]

Hi Phoenix

thanks for sharing. Like Hopefloats, I really find it hard to imagine what you must be going through and how hard it is to deal with. It is extremely hard to sit and watch and not be able to help, to offer help and be rejected. I hope someday my exhusband will reach out for some help, he did once before but gave up when his counsellor went overseas. Too hard to start again with someone new. I hope you continue with your counselling, it sounds like you have made huge progress.

Discarded

 

[hopefloats]

Thank you 99Pheonix99.

This has been a difficult month already... actually 2 years. So thanks for the luck.

We have been together since we were very young and have always been close. At times, I think he tried to open up in his own ways. I would get little things here and there, but I didn't know why a lot of his changes were happening. I know he lost someone that he worked with everyday, and his truck was struck twice by IED. He also expressed going through life in a fog. He likes movies bc he says he can get away from everything. When I talk to him...that's it..I talk.

We haven't spoken much in the last month, but he has expressed that he thinks he will never be happy or love again. He told a friend of ours that he is thinking about volunteering for active duty. In my eyes, this is a terrible decision.

I want to be there for him, but I feel I may be detrimental to him at this time. As much as I want to see him, I don't want to say the wrong thing. It may send him back into his "hole". I don't know what will work for him, but walking out on his life isn't it. Right? I would like to tell him that I learned through research that therapy works, but I don't think it's that easy. May I ask if it is helping you?

Thank you so very much for your input.

 

[hopefloats]

Thanks for the support.

 

[Eleanor]

Hopefloats - you guys are in a tough situation, no doubt about it. Might he look at the Combat PTSD forum?

Do you know of anyone (apart from here) who has PTSD who has successfully treated it? If so, have them talk to him. He might hear information from them that he would not hear/believe from you.

I had to have a friend of a friend who had combat PTSD for 30 years (Vietnam Vet) who in the last five years got it under control, talk to my H. It made a huge difference.

The fact is that until recently there was not much anyone knew how to do to treat PTSD and get the symptoms under control. Now there is. Exposure therapy (PET, EMDR, etc) works. Almost all the time. CBT teaches the coping skills to keep it under control. Bottom line is, he doesn't have to suffer like this. AND he will have to do the scary, hard, daily work to get better. But he can get much much much better. I don't know where you are but the PTSD programs out here at Stanford and in Livermore are super good and effective. If he won't use the VA, it is harder, but there are a lot of therapists who do EMDR these days.

The hard part for you is that only he can choose to do the treatment to get better. You can't do it for him. You can't even really help much. You can make it more comfortable for him NOT to get better, which often feels better as a supporter. Hell, it always feels better in my experience. He has to choose, and he might go either way. Which leaves you in a hellish place.

Print out Anthony's explanation of PTSD, PTSD therapies, and a couple of posts of his or others who have been through it and come out the other side. Give them to him, or read them to him. Don't argue. Just offer the information. He already feels like hell for letting you down.

In the meantime you need to model good behavior and take good care of you and your life. Don't follow his lead and isolate yourself, or constrict your activities. Be as "normal" as you can. Work on your own issues. Model good behavior. It is hard. Hard. And it is the best thing you can do for him. And you as well.

Sending positive healing energy to you both.

 

[discarded]

Great advice Elaenor. I might try it eventually, once my sufferer starts to trust me again.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Hopefloats,

You're such a great person. And I really do hope things work out for you two especially since you've been together for so long. It’s clear to see how much you love him.

I hope I'm not prying too much, but is he currently working? Or is he at home? I only ask because it actually does make a big difference. From my experience, if I'm stuck in the house for long periods of time it actually makes things worse. Especially if someone calls me or is asking me what I've been doing. If I've only been at home I find I have nothing to say because when I'm home alone all day I'm just haunted. And because of that I'm not feeling up to sharing that all day I've been reliving all my issues. But if I've been out or working I'm more apt to share about my day and am generally in a better mood.

Therapy has definitely helped me out. But I have to say the most important thing about therapy is that you're willing to go through it. If you're not willing to go... well from my experience it can actually make things worse. And I know that you only want to help but like Eleanor said, only he can really work on it.

And I’m not going to lie. Therapy while it really helps…. It’s probably one of the hardest things a person can do. My therapy is currently just talking to my therapist. The first few months I just gave basic background information and learned relaxation techniques. For a while it felt useless. But that was because I was still getting comfortable with my T. and couldn’t share quite yet. Now I’m slowly sharing more with my T. and can feel the improvement. It has ups and it most certainly has its downs. But slowly I’m getting a sense of control back. I’m feeling a little bit like my old self. And because I’m feeling better about myself, my relationship with my family and friends has improved a great deal as well because of it.

My only thought on how you can introduce the information you found to him is essentially what Eleanor said. Just hand it to him. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Let him peruse it. Find someone of a similar situation that can talk to him, someone that can relate to him. Someone that he’d respect.

But keep in mind, that he needs to be the one who's actively seeking change. You can certainly be the catalyst and his rock, but he needs to find the drive and the will in himself to do this. Also don't neglect yourself. You've done a lot on his behalf. Do something special for yourself. You deserve it.

I’m sorry I can’t be of more help. I’m wishing you the best.

 

[maddog]

I can't "like" what Eleanor said enough times, it was absolutely spot on.

I am always a little tentative to reply as a sufferer when a supporter is reaching out for support, because afterall, what would I know about being a supporter... but I did want to just add more emphasis to what is perhaps the hardest part of this reality, that being that only he can make the decision to heal himself, and then follow through with it.

When we care about someone and have done all the work to figure out what we're almost positive will help them, it is almost insufferably difficult not to dive in zealously and try to herd them down that path. And obviously, in many cases, theoretically we are right, and the course of action really is likely to be in their best interests.

But as the old saying says, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, and the harder you try, the more the horse will resist, even if it really is thirsty. As someone who loves horses and horse analogies, especially when they're true, I can confirm that if you really want the horse to drink, it's more likely to do so if you leave it alone for a while to look at the water, contemplate the world and take its time.

I started intensive trauma therapy for my own PTSD 2.5 years ago, and several months later I became aware that my brother had spiralled into dangerously out of control behaviour, as a result of what I believe to be his own untreated trauma response. We grew up in the same abusive household, and while our experiences were somewhat different, it stood to reason that he too would carry the long term scarrs.

I was right at the point of really beginning to understand how much therapy was helping me. I loved my brother, desperately, and desperately wanted him to get help, and desperately believed that if only he would just talk to someone... I wanted so badly to show him it could be better, to teach him what I'd learned, to give him the hope I'd found... I tried with everything I had to make him do it... and he very, very almost lost the battle for life altogether as a result.

I tried so hard to make him better that I almost killed him, and have completely lost my relationship with him partially as a result.

I recount that story not to be bitter or fatalistic, but merely as a lesson I learned the very, very hard way, and very almost in the ultimate hardest way. The very least, but the very most, we can do for those we care about, is to let them know that we're here for them and ready and able to help if they so choose that path. That is critically important - as a sufferer alone and confused, the sense that maybe there is a way out is critical when you're ready to look for it. But anything more forceful or intrusive will likely just have the opposite effect, and will likely cause you greater suffering as well, and as per the old analogy about fitting your own oxygen mask before helping anyone else, if you're suffering yourself, you're less able to be there to support your loved ones if and when they reach out.

I hope the above is accepted in the spirit of support and empathy in which it is intended. I admire the courage and tenacity of those who fight so hard to support their loved ones on what is an unspeakably lonely journey so often for everyone touched by PTSD.

Maddog

 

[hopefloats]

Thank you everyone for the information. I do not know anyone else who is going through this, so I really appreciate the help.

It's good to hear it from an experienced point of view.

I am going to do my best to not let my emotions get the better of me, so that I can handle this conversation in the best way possible. I may need a tranquilizer bc my emotions are running pretty high.lol.

As many times as I've said I couldn't be his friend if we were not together, I hope he looks at me as a friend rather than his broken wife. I want to help him but not make him feel like I think he is crazy. The advice really helped me to remember I CANT CHANGE HIM. I will pray often that he chooses to get better. But for now, all I can do is let him know that I care deeply and hope for the very best.

Pheonix99- I think it takes a very strong person to go through with therapy. I have read a lot that it seems easier not to open that book. So keep on keepin on:) I'm sure you're soul and your loved ones appreciate it.
My husband does work.. a lot. Though we are not staying together now, I 'm sure he has been working as much as possible to block out what's really going on.

Eleanor- I'm doing my best to be positive.... its hard though bc I just haven't gotten any closure. I worry about him, but I am definitely working on myself too. Thanks for the info on therapy. I am going to inform him about the combat ptsd forum bc this site has really helped me.

Maddog- I think I get what you were trying to say...Trying to force him into things, trying to make him talk, trying to understand may only push him further away. It will just make things worse. That a tough pill to swallow, but I know I've got to give him the distance if I really care about his well-being.

Again thank you everyone

 

[Barberian]

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. He has to want to drink the water to quench his thirst.

From your post I can't tell what country you are from. Most countries have PTSD services, counseling, psychiatry, etc. to help their veterans. These services are usually low cost or free for the veteran. It may be a little daunting when the process is first started. Particularly for the veteran mostly because they have to admit the problem is bigger than they are and they need help.

Once the ball has started rolling, doesn't always mean it's going to get easier. Often times it gets worse before it gets better, but the healing process is at least started.

Please make sure he has this phone number in his wallet if he is a U.S. Veteran - 1-800-273-TALK (8255). (This goes for any caregiver of an American vet with PTSD, depression or other mental issue. Sorry I don't have any info and I am not familiar with other countries systems). That is the national suicide prevention phone number on my VA appointment cards. There will be an option for veterans to speak to someone who deals exclusively with veterans.

Just having the phone number with me, which I have used several times, in my wallet helps alleviate the feeling that I am all alone in dealing with PTSD. That someone (a very large system of someone(s)) is out there to help me when I am at my worst.