Relationship Patience Is Hard Somtimes

[Peach]

I'm still doing pretty good with the realization that Tater and I aren't together anymore (as much as one can be together long distance in this situation) and never will be. But now I'm starting to crack waiting to hear back from him about our friendship. I shouldn't because we've been taking this one slow, but not knowing is so difficult. Fear of the unknown, I guess. I just want to know that we're good.

The whole timeline of things (It's always easier for me to get things out of my head/let them go by writing them down):

March 3rd-ish - Skyped, I brought up getting together, good conversation in general

Over the next two weeks I got two one-line emails from him, I asked if he was okay. I had been writing normally

March 17 - His initial email - No way, no how are we getting together, we're friends and that is it.

March 20 - Took time to calm down, told him I'm okay and typing up a proper response

March 21 - He says he's ready to talk

March 24 - Still don't have response ready, but wrote a nice email about interesting things going on here

March 25 - Wrote back with one of the best letters (not about the current 'issue') I've gotten in a long time! It was like the old days

March 28 - Wrote him back another normal letter

March 30 - Sent THE response

April 3 - Wrote a short funny quip about an Ebay auction item

And now I'm waiting. I can see logically that we're still on good terms, if he was done with me we wouldn't have had all that back and forth. And even I took 2 weeks to write my response, so he can also take whatever time he needs to digest things and figure out where he's at. It's just the waiting that is rough. I would heave a huge sigh of relief if he could just send me a hug emoji or something.

I guess I'm worried something I said in the response pissed him off, but I can't imagine what - I told him exactly what he indicated he wanted to hear. He led me to believe that he won't feel like I'm over him until I'm with someone else. Actually, he specifically said, "you need to meet someone a bit closer, so come up with some vacation ideas where you can meet folk and broaden your horizons." Trying really hard not to take that "broaden your horizons" part badly... So I explained that though I'm not very good at meeting people to date, I do try (did before I met him), and I even told him about a man (not the guy I work with who likes me) I met when I had to go out of town for work a month ago.

I don't want to sound like a tramp, but since I was already having those conflicting feelings about Tater and felt like he wasn't going to allow us to grow, I had been texting this man - we'll call him Southern Gent because that's exactly what he is. Very cool guy, he is a big participant in Civil War reenactments and reminds me of Rob Lowe's Character on Parks And Recreation. So we texted a bit, but it was mostly about work and school (boring!) so I let it go, then he contacted me again asking if I was okay cause it had been 2 weeks since we had talked. I deftly steered our conversation away from boring subjects LOL and am getting to know him, but am still unsure what his goal is - super friendly Parks And Rec character or more. Why are men so damn complicated!?! He has invited me to one of his reenactments though. :cool:

Anyway, since I told Tater about Southern Gent and haven't heard back since, I've been having these stupid day dreams about Tater realizing he was wrong and does want me.

Good Lord - brains and hormones are absolutely ridiculous!!! I hate the games! I just want someone to love me and who I can love in return and not have to do all this wondering and guessing bull:poop:. :confused::wtf:

 

[Casey_03]

I have to admit, I haven't kept up with your entire back story, but I feel for you and have been in a similar position. Reading this though, I'm sorry to say, it's glaringly obvious you are not "doing pretty good" with the realization you two are done .... It actually seems like quite the opposite. I don't say that to be harsh, but to be honest, because I think you need to be honest with yourself here ... you seem to clearly be clinging to hope that things will go back to how they were. Now your hope has just been pinned on the "friendship" instead of a relationship, and you seem to be clinging to hope that the friendship will eventually grow back into something more. It's not healthy, as hard as it is to let go ... obsessing over every email with him and trying to analyze what his response could mean .... you're just going to keep digging a deeper hole. I may be way off the mark, but I feel like maybe this has turned into an attachment disorder, if that's even possible? I just know people with certain attachment disorders have a tendency to obsess over every last interaction with a person and see that interaction as the sole indicator of the relationship. I may be wrong, if so, I apologize. I guess my main point is this seems deeply deeply unhealthy. I was happy when I got to the end of your post and saw that there was a new man .... but then you brought that back to Tater again. I think you really need to cut ties with Tater and only resume communication with him later, when you are truly prepared for nothing more than a friendship. (I did just that in a very similar situation, and now I feel like a whole different person. And I am able to communicate with the guy again, as friends, without getting overly attached or getting my hopes up again).

 

[Peach]

I appreciate the input Casey. You're not wrong, there is a lot of things in the mix here.

When I said I was "pretty good," that doesn't mean I'm over him or even happy, it just means the world hasn't stopped spinning and I'm not crying my eyes out anymore every time I think of this subject. That's pretty good...way better than the alternative. I'm moving on, but it is a slow process and I don't think there is really a healthy way to speed it up - it simply takes time to say goodbye to someone you had envisioned a future with.

Obsession may be too strong a word, but there is certainly some tunnel vision. When you fall in love, and this could last a good 3, 4, 5+ years, that relationship consumes you. He's the first thing you think about when you wake up, the last thing as you fall asleep, and every spare moment during the day will undoubtedly go back to him/her. It's biological and chemical and there is no way around it. And who would want to skip that? As scary and frustrating as it can be at times it also feels amazing! That's why people get burned but keep coming back for more again and again.

As for myself personally, I was raised in a very strict household when it came to socializing with others outside that religion, either sex, and dating was absolutely not allowed. I was a late bloomer because of that. I'm probably a little emotionally stunted as well, having not been given the chance to experience many of the things most people take for granted. Even after I moved away from home, I tried for years to be a "good girl" and kept going to church because that's what I was supposed to do. I finally gave that up in my mid-twenties. I was tired of being lonely, but even though I gave myself permission to date anyone I chose, I am still fairly...standoffish and clueless.

So yeah, ending everything with Tater (who happens to be a very worldly guy - the opposite of me) and not even getting a friendship out of it and going back to being alone is not something I want to dive head first into, ya know? My whole life has been introspection and being by myself. I finally was/am able to share it with someone else and for a long while it was him.