Peacemaker

[Peacemaker]

I am basically a quiet, laid-back person. I met my now husband more than 40 years ago, I absolutely loved and adored this man on-sight! What drew my attention was, his hardy laugh, he appeared so happy and full of life, he was cute too. Fast forward, we both married different people, it did not work out for either of us, divorced, we got together 25 years ago, we married 13 years ago. He kept asking me to marry him, I loved him dearly, but I let him know he had to change (drinking and drugs), he promised over and over. I cannot write our entire history here however, I would like to say that life with this man has been one of the worst emotional roller-coasters; it's up and down, these days, more down. It's really difficult to have a relationship with someone who cannot relate to another, who is self-centered and distant. Life is all about him and there is no me, if I suggest an "us" he gets very defensive, he's gone back to his childhood and his mom's lack of nuturing, often commenting on his mother's inability to "mother." His mother cannot say she loves him, and this drives this grown man crazy. His concern does not appear to be me at all, it's all about what he recieves from others and not about what he gives. He's distant, cold and unromantic. I can count the number of sexual encounters we've had in 25 years. As much as you may want to help someone else, it is not always possible. I have a lot invested in this marriage (we share 8 children together), I don't want to walk away however, none of my needs are being met. My husband is in counseling; one-on-one, and group and neither seems to help.

 

[Nerdanna]

Peacemaker, welcome. I hear your frustration. It is a positive thing that he is in counseling, though. In my situation my husband is in denial at the moment. He was in therapy several years ago , things got better, then recently he has isolated himself again and our family is on the "downslope" of the roller coaster ride. He would not go to couseling, but I am right now. We have been married 20 years.
Take care of yourself.

 

[Peacemaker]

Thank you for the welcome and the well wishes! I think it's wonderful that you are in counseling; you need all the strength you can muster! Besides the PTSD, my husband has so many other unresolved issues that makes treatment difficult. I would like to say that people with mental issues are as lovable as people with heart problems, kidney problems, or any other illness; the only difference is; loving them takes a tremendous amount of stamina, patience, endurance, prayer and yes, valuable time. Life is short, we can do what we can to help others but remember, we must take care of ourselves also, that is why I am so glad that you are taking care of you!

 

[drgnfl2078]

I am sorry to hear about your troubles. As hard as it is...you can not control others thoughts and actions you can only control you own...and for some of us that is a very large battle that we can barily survive ourselves. Taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself and everyone else in your life. No one should expect anyone to change for them nor should you change whom you are for someone else. I'm not saying its okay to be disrespectful because its not. I hope things get better for you.

 

[Peacemaker]

Changing someone else is the last thing on my mind, my problem is with the constant mental and verbal abuse that I receive from my husband, I realize that I married for better or worse yet, I did not plan for the horrid, ongoing abuse. I just returned from a week away from my husband, I have not seen him yet, this is the first time in more than 25 years that we have been apart, I had to get away, I just couldn't take it anymore, his thinking is so distorted that he believes he can do whatever he wants, I agree that he can, but not to me!

 

[drgnfl2078]

I think what you are saying is awesome and very healthy. You're right...you shouldn't allow your self to be mental or verbally abused. At least for me I don't realize the things I say are hard for others to hear...because that's the norm to me. I see it now logically...but patterns are hard to break. I heard a saying once...things learned in combat are never forgotten. I think that is very true and still a crazy thought to think that my childhood was very much a combat situation. I've had loved ones walk away when I get to be too much...and man it hurts for the moment, but I understand now how much an act of love that actually is! When I start saying mean things and others walk away for a few days it forces me to cool off, and I hate it but its healthy.

Perhaps next time he says something upsetting a very calm...I don't like how you are talking to me right now. It makes me feel like (fill in the blank). I love you but I don't want to talk to you right now....would help?

 

[Peacemaker]

I really do appreciate your reply, and I'm going to take your advice and try to remain calm. The truth is, I am very angry, our youngest son just graduated college; when he went to college, he was the last kid out of the house, I was so happy that my husband and I would have time to "work" on our relationship, to date again, to travel, to enjoy each other. Quite the contrary happened, my husband became combative, distant, mean and withdrawn, he could no longer focus on anything, I think partly because he realized he was aging (he's gotten old) and he just does not seem to be able to deal with that. Needless to say, he has all but ignored me, there is never a day when he is not angry, and he refuses to participate in life. There is just nothing to look forward to in this marriage, we cannot dream together or plan together, I've been a good wife and mother, and now I'd appreciate having some of my needs met, I'm really tired of catering to everyone else and no one catering to me. I have never, ever, been selfish, I have dedicated my entire life to helping others. I'm a breast cancer survivor (16 years), and I've had 2 strokes, so life has not been easy for me either.

 

[Froggie]

I'm very grateful for your generous post as it gives me a perspective of what you are living through. It is normal that you feel anger and many other emotions. You must feel as if many dreams and projects are slipping away. On top of that you have had to deal with serious health problems. One of the first things a carer/supporter has to do is to take care of themselves. It is not about being selfish, but simply to learn to love, respect and care for oneself. Will keep reading your posts (((Peacemaker))).