Please Help Me - Girlfriend and I Both Have PTSD

[Zaac]

I've been in a relationship with a woman for several months now who has ptsd from a former spouse and serious childhood issues. I have ptsd from the same things, but obviously different circumstances.

Yesterday, we were having wine (too much I'm sure) and she triggered on something I said. Then I triggered on her reactions and it turned into a full blown argument.

But it got worse. In the midst of being in each other's face, she pushed me. I've been attacked several times in a previous relationship, and I flashed back badly and without knowing it I had knocked her down. I do not hit women and think it is abhorrent.

Right now I do not have insurance of any kind so am not on meds nor do I have any mental health care.

Due to this altercation, and with her past experience of an ex who tried to kill her, our relationship is teetering on extinction. I do not know what to do and I love her with all my heart.

I am still very triggered and shaky and of course got blamed for the whole thing as I always used to in past relationships. When we began this relationship, I asked if her therapist would sit down with us and work out how to deal with mutual triggers. She said her therapist told her it was too soon. In light of all that has happened, I think it's safe to say her therapist was wrong.

somebody please help me.

zaac

 

[Tessa]

Hi Zaac,
Sounds like you really need some support.You can now see psychologists on Medicare through a GP. Perhaps this is worth looking into.
I hope thing get better for you and you can get some assistance
It is really hard when we get triggered as it is often "out of the blue" and we are not ready for our reactions which can be instant.
Take care
Tessa

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Hi Zaac -

I'm so sorry - what a difficult situation. Ok you want my honest opinion?

The two of you - do not need to drink again (especially together) - but I really think you need a break from the wine.

Then - you and her need to go into her therapist and tell her honestly what happened - if she still doesn't think its time for you two to "work together" - which I do understand btw. Then she should be able to direct you to some resources (a sliding scale pay situation, your local mental health center, etc.)

 

[macpayne]

No meds, alcohol..to be blunt ....thats a recipe for disaster!!! You need a therapist of your own, meds and then maybe see a therapist together. I live in Canada so I do not have issues with regards to medical care. However your goverment must have some avenue where assistance can be alotted for someone with no coverage. I think you should see your GP and discover some avenues that best suit YOUR needs.
Goodluck!!

 

[shiraz]

Hi Zaac, that trigger cycle can be bad!

My triggers often trigger off something in my man and he doesn't even have PTSD. Your instincts sound right, you needed help a long time ago. The others are right too, alcohol is a recipe for disaster.

It must feel all too confusing and overwhelming right now. Listen to yourself and follow your own instincts here.

You both need ground rules so that when situations rise and you are both triggered, you have some protocol you can follow which you have previously agreed upon, a T can help you figure that one out, but if you can't see one, perhaps she would be open to writing some rules up with you.

My man and I have just put our ground rules together and I feel so much better knowing that there is a way to get around the mayhem, if we follow the rules, everything will be OK and we will learn to cool off alone and return to discuss the situation when we are both a bit more in control.

We have chosen signals to use which mean 'I am triggered, I need to leave and will return when I am calm.' Then we make sure we have our mobiles with us while we retreat to our safe spaces and we are allowed to text each other only to ask - are you ok? or to say "I am ready to speak are you."
We are not allowed to go to the other person or invade their retreat space in any way. I really think that if we stick to this agreement, things will be a bit smoother for us .... it is not the best way to solve conflict, but for now, with our skill level and anxiety levels taken into account, it is what we can handle.

I hope that helps. I sympathize with your situation and feel for you and your girlfriend. PTSD is such an untamable beast sometimes!!! It infuriates me!

All the best
Shiraz