Possible Trauma Bond? Narcissism? Me?

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So I broke. I felt empty, alone, unloved. I eventually made a bad choice and looked at pornography. I also logged into a dating website to attempt to connect through chat with someone to feel less alone and receive some sort of validation. I didn't, I felt too guilty. My wife found out. I didn't really hide it. I lied for a day out of shame, then admitted. She found a few more things I had looked up, I again lied for a day out of shame, then admitted. She knows everything, we've been in counseling. She still thinks I'm lying even though I've given her complete control of everything. She has all passwords, I have never owned a cell phone, web sites are blocked at work, and I told her she could shut the internet off if she wanted to when she went to bed, (plus she already has covenant eyes on it). Anyway, she keeps insisting I'm still lying, and she'll say things like I'm a gross man. I ignored for a few weeks, but then got incredibly desperate and panicked due to her accusations. What is she thinking I did? There is nothing else, I don't want her to think whatever gross thing she thinks. But when asked, she only kept saying, "you know and you have to repent on your own, I'm not going to tell you". This was for a couple of weeks. She kept being mad at me, and would not tell me what she thought I was lying about. I eventually sent her a facebook message where I pleaded and said, I just want to die. That's how I felt at that moment, completely overwhelmed. Her response: "The lies & manipulation are over the top If you really are thinking that way then you need to go to crisis; in another town if need be. I’m not equipped to deal with that on a normal day much less when you’re lying to me".
Your relationship is pretty broken. I'm not telling you something you don't know...but your post indicates a deep lack of self-awareness.

You got desperate and panicked, "she kept being mad" at you and would not tell you why - and you sent her a message pleading with her and saying you wanted to die.

That's fairly textbook for threatening suicide in order to provoke a person to response.

Attempts at emotional manipulation are - for the most part - motivated by feelings of intense suffering. You weren't cackling in a corner about how you could gaslight her into feeling guilty over how she's made you feel....nevertheless - you've been manipulative. Given that you say you have some training as a counselor, it's quite surprising that you can't see that.

Also - given that you are a counselor - it's surprising that you don't have any capacity to see your behavior from her perspective.

I get it, it's your relationship, she's not a 'client' - but still, you should know enough to be able to step back and assess your role in the breakdown of this relationship.

We're a PTSD forum, and I'm having a difficult time discerning what good may come out of your continued posting here. You're not talking about PTSD, you're talking about a pretty sizable relationship problem.

I suggest you get some real, 3-D help; get back into counseling, and try and be really honest with each other. Or, dissolve the marriage.
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