As a kid I was really close with my mom, on the verge of unhealthy attachment. And I think as a kid we see our main caregiver as almost like a god. Someone who is there to protect us and take care of us as well as teach us everything we need to know. It seems like they can and will do everything for us as a kid.
Now being an adult and looking back I've come to realize that they aren't the picture of the people I painted as a kid. When bad things would happen I would make up 'characters' that were similar to my family but they were these horrible people, more like monsters, who's way of being was always like that. I find the more I learn about my family the more I realize that they really are the monsters I made up, they just treat children differently until they blow up.
As a kid and teenager I was abused by someone outside of the house. He used to make threats that if anyone found out or if I told anyone he would kill my mom and my family, he used to tell me very graphically how he'd do it too. I know now that those were probably empty threats but at the time it scared the crap out of me and I believed him and with someone inside the family already telling me he'd kill my mom one day I thought talking would make everything worse.
Over the past month I've cut off contact with my family due to some of the revelations my mom made and it just keeps going over and over in my head how I put myself through years of abuse to 'protect' my family just to have them be the monsters I made up to excuse their behavior.
I feel disgusted by them, and since I came from their bloodline I feel disgusted about myself. I know this is just a low that will eventually pass like the rest of them but I don't know how to deal with it, get it off the constant back burner in my mind.
Usually talking to my old councellor helps resolves things a bit, get the resolution ball rolling atleast to clear up the low, but today I just couldn't drag myself to go. Been using today as a date for the "time game" to keep from self harming so I was really surprised I cancelled, but now I feel stuck.
It's like I don't want to deal with it, don't want to talk and I just want it to go away but it's a constant thing that always on my mind. I hate them and that's easy to deal with, it's the fact that I'm a product of their bad life choices and that I came from them. They never knew anything about the sexual abuse until a few years ago, but now I can't help but wonder if they were the people I thought they were then they would've known something was really off about me and would've gotten me help instead of physically abusing me for my behavioural problems.
Things would've been so different if I had just known this from the start
Now being an adult and looking back I've come to realize that they aren't the picture of the people I painted as a kid. When bad things would happen I would make up 'characters' that were similar to my family but they were these horrible people, more like monsters, who's way of being was always like that. I find the more I learn about my family the more I realize that they really are the monsters I made up, they just treat children differently until they blow up.
As a kid and teenager I was abused by someone outside of the house. He used to make threats that if anyone found out or if I told anyone he would kill my mom and my family, he used to tell me very graphically how he'd do it too. I know now that those were probably empty threats but at the time it scared the crap out of me and I believed him and with someone inside the family already telling me he'd kill my mom one day I thought talking would make everything worse.
Over the past month I've cut off contact with my family due to some of the revelations my mom made and it just keeps going over and over in my head how I put myself through years of abuse to 'protect' my family just to have them be the monsters I made up to excuse their behavior.
I feel disgusted by them, and since I came from their bloodline I feel disgusted about myself. I know this is just a low that will eventually pass like the rest of them but I don't know how to deal with it, get it off the constant back burner in my mind.
Usually talking to my old councellor helps resolves things a bit, get the resolution ball rolling atleast to clear up the low, but today I just couldn't drag myself to go. Been using today as a date for the "time game" to keep from self harming so I was really surprised I cancelled, but now I feel stuck.
It's like I don't want to deal with it, don't want to talk and I just want it to go away but it's a constant thing that always on my mind. I hate them and that's easy to deal with, it's the fact that I'm a product of their bad life choices and that I came from them. They never knew anything about the sexual abuse until a few years ago, but now I can't help but wonder if they were the people I thought they were then they would've known something was really off about me and would've gotten me help instead of physically abusing me for my behavioural problems.
Things would've been so different if I had just known this from the start
